When does it get better?

[Zebrawhite]

I'm still struggling to stop thinking about some of my delusions. I want to recognise 100% that they are just delusions, but I am finding it hard to let go because they felt so real. It's been a couple of months since I've been discharged now. Did things linger like this for anyone else? Looking for some reassurance that there is still hope for me. When do you know you've turned a corner and feel somewhat normal again?

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Zebrawhite, I think I remember feeling that way after leaving the MBU, and I do remember how unsettled it made me feel, as if I had lost the ability to tell what was real from what was not. I spent 3 months in hospital, so this was a few months from my episode of psychosis.I identified that being with my family and loved ones helped massively as I could relax then and let go a bit of the pressure of pretending to be normal or in control. When I was by myself I rumminated a lot and in my mind I went back to my time in hospital and how I was feeling and thinking then. The delusions and intrusive thoughts felt very real for me as well, as pieces of a puzzle that were fitting perfectly. I tried to allow myself the space to recognize those thoughts but trying not to engage with them, observing myself having those thoughts and letting them pass me by, without dragging my mind into them. It is difficult to do, easier said than done, as for a long time my brain was very much captivated by the idea of finding "the truth" that only I could figure. With time I realised that was my way of making sense of what the heck had just happened during the psychosis and why was I so out of character - there had to be a reason for it.

I am rambling a bit but I hope some of this makes sense to you, and helps you feel that you are not alone and that you have hope. Keep talking to the doctors that are following you and if you can try and keep a diary of your thoughts and moods through the week, it can certainly help with tracking how you feel and you will be able to start seeing progress.

Take very good care,

Maria

[Zebrawhite in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you Maria, yes that makes a lot of sense to me and is very relatable. I keep thinking of my time in hospital and also am trying to piece together events and beliefs like a puzzle. It seems to both make sense and not make any sense at the same time. Some things I can piece together and make into a narrative, others are so random and bizarre I don't know what to make of them or how to forget them.I'm finding it hard to accept I won't ever know the truth behind everything. I want to get to the point where I stop ruminating, but like you said it is much easier said than done. I might try therapy again to see if that helps.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Zebrawhite]

Hi Zebrawhite, therapy helped me a lot and despite my pp experience is now 5 years old to the month I am going to access some trauma therapy soon as I know that I have some unresolved things I would like to work through. It does get so much better with time, don't despair, I still think about my experience of psychosis, but I can see it much more objectively, something that happened to me but that doesn't define me exclusively. I promise you with time you make more happy memories of your time as a family, and the time in hospital becomes less and less part of your thoughts. It is a long road, have patience with yourself it will get so much better.

Sending you a big virtual hug

Maria

[Zebrawhite in reply to Maria_at_APP]

I really do hope over time I can stop focusing so much on what happened at the hospital. It is weighing heavily on me at the moment. I find it hard to imagine a future with a happy family whilst I am like this. X

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Zebrawhite]

Oh Zebrawhite, I know it feels so far away while in the midst of it, it is like a dark tunnel to go through, bear in mind there is light at the end, even if it feels too far away to see. Keep talking to your doctors in your catch ups and updating them as to your recent moods. Take good care, here if you need anything

Maria

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Zebrawhite]

Hi Zebrawhite,

As Maria has said, it's so hard while in the midst of it all - to see an end to it. It won't always feel like this, happier times lie ahead.

Keep writing whenever it helps, I hope just getting words down maybe helps a bit to clear your head a little. And do keep talking to your team.

Thinking of you and wishing you a restful evening,

Jenny x

[NMG1991]

Hi lovely, leaving the MBU is something you want desperately because you want things to be 'normal' however the reality of actually leaving is pretty scary. I took a long time to return to normal. I recognised I wasn't myself but I became obsessed with finding answers about how and why I got postpartum psychosis - and I mean obsessed. I have been functioning well for quite some time now but I am only just beginning to accept what happened. I'm 2 yrs 9 months pp now. I think mines taken longer as I keep wanting a sibling for my little Boy but becoming pregnant again and potentially becoming unwell again absolutely scares me. I felt well fairly early on and I was wanting another child and I remember the nurse saying to me she was surprised that I was talking about having another child so early on and that most people are scared off by what they went through. At that point I thought I was well but I had another dip where I really struggled to come to terms with everything. I soon realised I was actually scared to have another Child. Sorry I've rambled. My point is you'll likely feel well soon however it may also be a case of you may have another dip or two whilst coming to terms with everything.

You've got this and you're so strong for what you have already faced and got through. X

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to NMG1991]

It's interesting to hear you say this. I was actually scheduled to have my tubes tied the spring after I got out of the hospital with PP. I had had a horrible 2nd pregnancy and an awful time afterward, you've read my story. Nobody wanted me to get pregnant again including my husband. In fact my psychologist even threatened that if I got pregnant again they would insist I terminated the pregnancy. But the doctor was adamant that I shouldn't go through with the procedure if I had any doubts, and in the end I canceled it. I just kept thinking about how much I loved that baby. I didn't have another child, and my husband went and got himself taken care of. This was actually better because that's a MUCH less invasive procedure. It's still kind of interesting to me though that even though my pregnancy and getting PP was so awful, I was still not sure I wouldn't want another baby. I'm happy now, though, that I didn't go through with it, as I do have two children and that was plenty.

I hesitate to mention it because I'm sure you realize this, but adoption is also an option if you don't want to risk your own health but still want another child.

[NMG1991 in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Hi, I'm so sorry I missed your response.

It's lovely the option was left open for you to decide if you wanted another Child. I think it's important for that decision to be made by you and not an outsider influence as that's where you may have regretted the decision had it been taken out of your hands. Two is absolutely lovely 🧡.

Adoption absolutely is an option and one I have discussed with my partner. It would be lovely to give a Child without a home a home and a family 🧡 x

[Zebrawhite in reply to NMG1991]

Thank you for your reply, and I'm glad you are feeling better. Thanks for being so honest about only really feeling back to normal now. I guess it can take months to readjust to a new normal. I am sorry to hear that it has affected your decision whether to have another child. I completely understand that. I originally wanted two children, but there is no way I would want to have another now for fear of getting unwell again. Thank you for your encouragement. As I type this I have a horrible cold, so at least I have proven one bizarre belief wrong, that I can't get sick. I'm hoping over time the other beliefs will lose their validity too.

[NMG1991 in reply to Zebrawhite]

You're so welcome, I'm happy to help others where I can. We know this illness from the inside and we know how scary it is and how it can affect you even after you're well again. It can definitely take a long time or at least in my case. Others may have had a different experience. I'm coming around to the idea now of having another one and you may too with time. They say time is a healer 🧡. However one is absolutely lovely and you're so blessed already 🧡. That's how I feel - I'm so lucky to have my Boy and so blessed that if I decide I can't go through the uncertainty again then I am happy as we are. Sorry to hear you were unwell, I hope you're now better. In a weird way it does sound like a positive and I hope you don't mind me saying as like you said it has proven one belief wrong which I hope in turn will heal your mind gradually x

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Hi Zebrawhite

I had grandiose delusions both times when I was an inpatient.

I remember them but they were distant memories quite quickly if that gives you hope.

I think it's easy to not talk about it if you're keen to get discharged asap. I never wanted to get discharged too quickly.

I think you should seek some professional help if these memories are still bothering you. Maybe not to talk about them but to find techniques on leaving these memories behind where they belong.

Good luck, sending love x

[Zebrawhite in reply to The_Wes_Anderson_Fan]

Thank you, I'm trying not to dwell on the memories, but they are very intrusive. I will ask about therapy.

[JosephineFay]

Hi there, I know that being isolated with the baby kept me having residual delusions and then after that every time I left a job due to work place politics I would imagine there was a conspiracy out to get me. I think if you can speak to your family and support team about some child care for you so that you can get out even volunteer in a carefully chosen charity shop. So you have the buzz of talking to adults and shifting your focus away from pregnancy, the labour and motherhood.

[Isabella5991]

Hello my dear,

This is totally normal and I desperately obsessed over mine all day long for about a year, but it did slowly get better each month. It’s a trauma response I believe. I was constantly trying to figure out from how to stop it ever happening again and believed it was all in my control. 4 years on and I’m a completely different person. Strong, well and has made a very good recovery. You will get there too, keep fighting and speaking to professionals and those you love xx

[Zebrawhite in reply to Isabella5991]

Thank you so much for your positive reply. When you obsessed over it for a year, how much did it affect your life? What did you find helped you to stop thinking about it so much and move on? X

[Isabella5991 in reply to Zebrawhite]

Well, I was poorly the first lockdown March 2020. Then was starting to recover autumn 2020 and by that time my eldest started pre school. There was some routine in our days which helped, but I do remember every drop off and walking home with my baby I was going round and round obsessing how to stop the illness ever happening again. It almost felt like another illness after a severe illness, but not in the same way. I think it just takes some time for our brains to get back to what they were. A psychotic break is a massive thing, I think our poor brains are just trying their best. You may be seeing improvements already? But each month I’m sure you will notice you have gotten a bit more back to your self, then in 6 months, a year, etc, you will realise a big growth and feel different to where you were xx

[Isabella5991 in reply to Isabella5991]

Oh sorry, for me I just had to obsess over it. I have ocd and that was my way of dealing with the trauma. It’s called ‘puro’ ocd where you have to talk to your self in your head or out loud reassuring your self for each thing that worries you, and I don’t think it was technically a healthy way to deal with it, but it was the only way I could, if that makes sense. I also had on going therapy for a year so I could talk to her about it. Now my ocd is very mild and I don’t need to do that obsessive reassuring my self routine anymore xx