Guilt over choosing to have another baby

[Emilyr123]

Hi everyone 👋

It's been awhile since I last posted.

I found the forum after I experienced psychosis following stopping breastfeeding my eldest daughter in 2021. Quite soon after leaving general psychiatric hospital I fell pregnant again which was a shock at the time but turned out to be the biggest blessing. We welcomed our little boy in 2022 and I was well until there were changes in breastfeeding again. I had manic symptoms when my little boy started solids at 6 months but symptoms were managed with medication. But during the summer last year when I stopped breastfeeding completely I had a full blown episode and ended up in general psychiatric hospital for 2 months again.

As you all know, the road to recovery is a long and tough one. I feel like I've finally come out the other side. We are all thriving as a family. Me and my husband have made the big decision to go for baby number 3, I've always wanted three children and our family feels incomplete at two. I've fallen pregnant immediately 😅 I'm so happy but I feel really despondent about telling anyone. I know in particular that mine and my husband's parents are going to be dismayed. On leaving hospital the most recent time I had some staff tell me not to have another baby. Am I being completely selfish? We're competent parents and we're going in to this with our eyes completely open. I know I'll need to advocate for myself and certainly ensure I'm on prophylactic medication during the postpartum period when I'm at the highest risk. I just feel so guilty for pursuing my own happiness and to be honest a bit resentful towards my mental health. Can anyone relate?

I've been under the Early Intervention Team, about to be transferred to the Community team as my 3 years are up. I've also been under Perinatal during both my pregnancies and postpartum. But I feel like both times I've fallen through the net. At this point I've had so many interactions with health professionals and but I feel like none of them have had insight in to this particular area of mental health. I'm treated like an anomaly which is frustrating because I know from this forum that I'm not the only one who's experienced mania related to breastfeeding. I've seen on APP that you can be referred to the Cardiff University Psychiatric Service. Has anyone here done that? Did you find it useful?

Thanks if you made it this far! 😊

Emily x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Emilyr123, I am so sorry you received that comment from a member of staff when you left hospital. Please, you are not being selfish for pursuing the family life that you want, that insensitive comment was made without any knowledge of your personal situation.

I had pp in 2018 and went on to have another baby in 2021, as many mums on this forum have. Same as you we waged pros and cons at the time and decided that pursuing the family we wanted outweighed the cons. You and your husband are not going blindly into this, you are excellent parents to both of your children, you would not be putting them at risk unnecessarily.

As to your question, I have not have personal experience of consulting with Prof Ian Jones, but I know a few mums who have had a referral to him and speak highly of the experience. I hope your team will make the referral to him and you can get some answers and have some specific safe measures put in place when you eventually stop breastfeeding.

Wishing you all the best on this pregnancy, huge congratulations, and let us know how you get on

Maria

[Emilyr123 in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you for your reassuring words. I really appreciate it. It's easy to feel alone in this kind of scenario when I don't know anyone locally who's been through something similar. Sharing your story definitely helps me reconcile my feelings about it. Thank you for your well wishes ❤️

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Emilyr123]

Hi Emilyr123, no problem, I agree with you that it can be very isolating, and sometimes people choose not to share, there is unfortunately so much stigma attached to it still. This forum is here for this reason, to connect across geographical barriers.

Take very good care,

Maria

[Mulan13]

Hi Emilyr123,

You definitely aren’t selfish, you know what is right for your family.

I had PP in 2021 and I am currently pregnant with my second and recently got discharged from EIP.

Hope you don’t mind me asking …how did you feel you slipped through the net with perinatal services the second time? I’ve had my perinatal assessment and just want to make sure myself and my family get the best support.

[Emilyr123 in reply to Mulan13]

Thanks for your comment ❤️Congratulations to you 😊

For me personally I think it was partly due to the concurrent involvement of EIT. I think perinatal just thought they weren't really required as EIT were seen as my primary care. Perinatal were brilliant during my pregnancy, someone came to visit regularly in the third trimester and created a birth plan/communicated with midwives and the hospital. Visits continued after the birth but as I was well their involvement dropped off and they wanted to discharge me. I did get referred again when things started happening at 6 months but they didn't do anything. I get the impression they thought EIT had it covered but then when I got really poorly at 12 months it unfortunately coincided with my EIT consultant going off sick and it unravelled from there. I have a feeling it really depends on the Trust you're under and who you get assigned. The first perinatal nurse I had was wonderful and couldn't do enough for me, the second I never even met. I think I was partly just unlucky. I'm sure if you fully explain your history and don't accept discharge till you feel happy you're in the clear then they should provide the support you need.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Emilyr123,

It's good to hear from you and congratulations on your pregnancy - what lovely news

You're not being selfish. I really don't think other people should comment but perhaps it came from a well-meaning place. I know that what health professionals say to us in particular stays with us though. As you say you're going into this with your eyes completely open, you're well informed and I'm sure it's not a decision you've taken lightly. You know what you've been through but also that you've come through it.

I had a consultation with Prof Ian Jones ahead of deciding whether to have another child after I had PP, it was probably 10 years ago now. It was incredibly helpful, he was the first professional that actually asked me about my experience in detail which in itself was hugely beneficial and validating. It looks like you've already found the details via the APP website of how to be referred (ncmh.info/resources/cups/) - your mental health team can refer you, so do discuss this with them and let us know if you have any problems.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything, take good care.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Emilyr123 in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Hi Jenny,

Lovely to hear from you too, thanks for the message. Hope you're well!

It is really true that what is said in those settings and who said it sticks with you. I don't know why I feel like I have something to prove. Thanks for making me feel validated.

And thank you for the advice about referrals. I'm currently in the process of being transferred between teams so I'll find out how best to navigate that.

Thanks so much, take care ❤️

[Survivedwithcolor]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! So many women wish for children and can't have them. As long as you are able to care for them physically, mentally, and financially, I don't see how anyone can say you're being irresponsible. If you were having kids and then social services was having to take them away every time, that might be different. I had PP with my second child, and although I did not think I'd want a third, there was a time when I thought about it and was told no. My psychologist went as far as to tell me I'd have to have an abortion if I got pregnant. I can hardly believe that now. That was 20+ years ago and here in the US I don't think anyone could get away with that today, but there it is. Sheesh.

You mentioned becoming psychotic after you stopped breastfeeding and that was me as well. I was in rotten shape before I stopped and I think it could reasonably have been called a very severe depression with some psychotic features, but after my baby quit breastfeeding, boom - full blown psychosis within 48 hours. Hallucinating, paranoid, catatonic, the whole bit. As much as doctors today like to think that they've studied postpartum psychosis, I've been looking at the research and they have not. PP is still incredibly understudied and misunderstood as far as I'm concerned. After I get my life back together (I've been in medical treatment for something else the last six months, and am finally recovered) I plan to do more to try to help other women and bring this to the attention of providers and researchers. The amount of research on this subject vs other medical issues is ridiculously small.