Need advise

[Tash_28]

Hi,

I had ppp 2 years ago when I had my first child. It took a little more than 2 weeks to diagnose and started with getting no sleep. I remember going to the hospital but was sent back and one one occasion asked for a sleeping pill to help me sleep but wasn't given any. I keep wondering that if they had given something to help me sleep whether that would have helped in reducing my symptoms and condition. Something I always wonder about.

I recovered from ppp and tried weaning off Olanzapine in jan 2022 but experienced brain fog and a sudden dip in mood, sleep and felt extremely anxious and lost. Went back on the meds and tried stopped again in April 2022. It wasn't as bad as Jan 2022 but I still wasn't myself. I completely lost my appetite and felt lost. Went back on the meds again in June 2022 which helped but was worried about going back to work in Sept 2022. I joined work in Sept and was fine so decided to try tapering down from the lowest doze to half a pill instead of just stopping completely in dec 2022 which worked but when I tried to reduce it to quarter dose I felt anxious with constant worries and my sleep was getting affected so Went back to half again. At work there were some recent changes recently which triggered me getting anxious with constant worry all the time that it's affecting my sleep, eating and mood. I was advised now to go back from half to the full pill of the lowest dose of Olanzapine. This isn't helping much and I am constantly worried and over the edge. My confidence and self esteem has reduced and wondering whether I am able to cope with my job. I feel after the psychosis I am not the same resilient person and wonder if I will be able to stay in my job. I feel a bit stuck at the moment . The worries are constant and am so anxious. I have been trying to understand through these 2 years to get a proper diagnosis since I haven't been able to taper off and don't know what I m going through. Need advice on how people have coped with going back to work as I feel that I can't cope with a stressful environment anymore.

I know I have written a lot and hope it makes sense.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Tash_28, I am sorry that you are feeling so anxious recently and constantly worry. External triggers are very unpredictable and can very much affect our equilibrium. I had pp in 2018 after my daughter was born, and in my first year back at work was difficult and I became very anxious and worried around deadlines and coping with the day to day of the office. It was as if my bucket of stress had reduced since becoming ill with pp and it will overflow more easily. I did some soul searching and looked for things that were draining me and that I could swap or eliminate. I was able to switch to full time working from home, that was a big help, I stopped reading the news, I take time in my week to have a good chat with a friend, either over the phone or in person, I started walking more as well, and I follow a routine before bedtime. These are only ideas, what matters is that you find a good compromise that works for you, it could be reducing some of your work hours for a while, and sometimes just talking to your manager and discussing how you are feeling at the moment (you can disclose as much or as little as you want, it is all circumstance dependant) could help you feel less trapped.

You are definitely not alone in this, we can empathise with what you say as we have been through a similar experience, and reach out to your doctor if you need to have a chat or if you are feeling that your medication needs to be tweaked after the initial side effects settle. Take care

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Tash_28

I'm really glad you have reached out to the support community here. You've written so openly and articulately - never feel you have to apologise for using lots of words, it can really help to process things.

I wondered if there is extra pressure of feeling like being able to come off Olanzapine would mean you're OK/ "well" again? It can be hard to accept longer-term medication, especially if you're going through side-effects... How are things for you generally when you're on the Olanzapine?

I wanted to reassure you that 2 years after PP can still be really 'early days' in terms of recovering from the trauma of the experience, finding your feet as a mum and regaining confidence in your mental health and resilience. I had PP 17 and 12 years ago, and really struggled with anxiety about any changes in my mood and loss of confidence in the pre-school years until my daughters were around 3/4 maybe?

Similarly to Maria, I did change my working pattern after PP. I worked for a couple of charities who were supportive of mental health, and worked flexibly and part-time to manage stress levels. I had some workplace counselling at the same time to help with anxieties about how I was managing and whether I was doing a good enough job. Is there any employee assistance programme at your workplace with free counselling?

I really hear from what you wrote that it doesn't feel as supportive an environment in your job after the change of management. Are there any colleagues you are close to who you could talk to informally, or buddy up with for some mentoring? I know a few other mums who have returned to work recently on the chat forum have been surprised how open colleagues have been to talking about mental health struggles and it's helped them to feel less alone and less shame.

We're here for you any time you need. Just being open about the difficult feelings is such a brilliant step in accepting yourself and knowing that it's OK to feel vulnerable.

Keep in touch,

All the best

Naomi x

[Tash_28 in reply to Naomi_at_app]

Thanks so Naomi for the response. When I feel well I focus on reducing my medication but during times like this I feel I need to be on it because I don't think I completely understand what I'm going through. Were you always in social work or did you have to change your career after pp?

I do struggle about opening about pp to people because it is so rare and I feel that people don't really understand what your going through but i hear what you are saying.

How did you get over your anxiety and regain yourself confidence again?

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Hi Tash_28, Sounds like you've had a tough time. Is your work full-time? If so, can you reduce to part-time or a shorter day to ease yourself in? Most employers would consider that.

I spent 3 months on an MBU after the birth of my daughter and went back to work when she was 7 months. I came off my medication extremely gradually with medical advice. I think it is better to stay on medication if you feel anxious and worried and are having poor sleep. Many people remain on some medication indefinitely after PP.

Can you get some professional help such as Talking Therapy? My London borough offer this for free, maybe your GP could direct you.

Do you have a Perinatal Mental Health Team in your area? Perhaps you could contact them and try to get an official diagnosis.

I was given valium when I arrived on the MBU as I hadn't slept but I still had PP and my symptoms were just as bad so I don't think it would have made any difference.

I lost a lot of confidence and self esteem after PP, but people at work were kind and the structure helped me. It was slow but I eventually made a full recovery back to my old self. I feel I am resilient as my daughter is 20 now so there is hope x

Good Luck! Thinking of you. Be kind to yourself and take things gently if you can.

[Tash_28 in reply to The_Wes_Anderson_Fan]

Thanks so much forbthe advice. I have started CBT but honestly I don't feel like it's helping much or having an impact. I think i was coping well with work but the past 3 weeks have been tough. I increased my dose to 2.5 again but that's not had much of an impact which is a first. The perinatal team are only with you for a year after which you are discharged to the GP. I am now in touch with a psychiatrist as well but I feel these things are hard to diagnose when you are on medication. I don't deal well with stress anymore like I used to and I notice it directly has an impact. It has an impact on my physically and mentally.

I do agree with what you say on the structure. My role is very unstructured so some structure will definitely help I think. I have taken a few days off but I feel like I have to go to the same job again which will create the same stress. I don't think they can change anything immediately so that's my concern.

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer in reply to Tash_28]

I haven't had CBT myself to be honest. My PP was treated with medication. Hopefully the psychiatrist will fine tune your medication.Since being mentally ill twice as an in patient, I avoid stress at all costs. Health comes first, I make time for exercise, relaxation etc. Hard being a working mum with a young baby.

Thinking of you 💗

[Carmen25]

hi Tash_28

I found going back to work very tough. Most of the first year after my return I felt like I was not really capable of doing my job anymore and it stressed me immensely.

Things improved when I got a new boss and I opened up to her about what had happened. I was worried I would be considered differently but opening up turned out to be the best thing I could have done.

I agree with The_Wes_Anderson_Fan about sleeping tablets. I was given zopiclone to help me sleep when I went to doctor when I started to get unwell 2 weeks after I had my son. The first night on them they worked well and I was convinced that I had found the solution. But after that first night they made no difference and even taking them I was totally unable to sleep.

It does take time and that can feel very frustrating but you will get there. For now I hope you can take some comfort that many people on this group have experienced what you are going through and understand how hard it is. Thinking of you x

[Tash_28 in reply to Carmen25]

Thank you so much for the advice. I think when I joined work I was fine but my boss has changed which I don't think helped. After telling your new boss, what changed? I have taken few days off work. I opened up to my new boss because it got too much. For the past 2 weeks i suddenly feel overwhelmed and don't feel like I want to do the same job anymore. I am not able to concentrate and everything feels like a lot. I am so anxious and stressed that I have lost my appetite and keep thinking about work all the time.

[Carmen25]

I was fortunate that I was able to explain which areas of my job I was finding easier and which I was finding more difficult. We had regular one to one sessions where we could talk through work issues.

I made a decision to step down to a slightly lower level of responsibility (I was head of department and an opportunity came up to move to section head instead). This helped me a lot.

Part of the challenge I think was that I had lost a lot of confidence through being so unwell but also I was taking antipsychotic meds which stopped me thinking as clearly and quickly.

So it is very tough. There were many days I felt like giving in my resignation, but now I am glad that I didn’t do so