After a good couple of weeks my mood is back down again. I’m at a good dose of my mood stabilisers now (although the dose could go higher) and I’m hoping it will have an effect of making this low patch shorter lived.
I don’t know how ling I can keep fighting though. I feel so exhausted by it all. And really really scared about getting back into a bad state again. I feel like every day, even the good ones.m, are tinged with that fear.
Morning MotherOfBears,
Im glad you’ve written here. I hope you know how much we all understand and care.
My own recovery from PP was similar in that I felt as though I was having a good run, and then sometimes I’d question was I really making progress as I be back to feeling down. Probably depressed still underlining how I was feeling. It’s really good to have support and also medication. Keep talking with all those around you. I found I’d have to keep reminding myself of how far I’d come. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it’s so true. Recovery from PP can take time - the little steps ARE SO SO significant.
Feeling the fear, I felt that too. But in time it did get less and less. I found I had to be so very kind to myself. PP is a traumatic illness and I know for me - it still felt horrifying as I was recovering- the fear of being poorly again. I hope in time the fear will become less and less. As my confidence grew gradually I started to that bit better. You will too.
It is exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. But I promise, it will get better. Be kind to yourself. Being a mummy not having had PP is exhausting. So to have gone through what you have is nothing short of remarkable. You’re remarkable!
Take care, and write anytime if it helps. Rachel x
Thanks Rachel. I struggle to see the progress. I first started to get ill last May, and it’s such a long time to recover. I don’t think I really took that in at the time, I just felt so confident that I would be one of the lucky ones and escape this.
Sometimes I find it helpful to hear how long it took for other people to recover. It make me feel like I have a chance, that 10 months in I’m not a lost cause. But other times it feel overwhelming, as I can’t bear this for one more day let alone weeks and maybe months.
But sadly there is no alternative. I have no option but to get through each day.
I’m sure, it’s really tough I do understand. I hope you can hear and believe that you’re NEVER a lost cause. None of us are. I know that when you’re in the thick of it, it can feel impossible. The sadness sometimes was just too much for me. But you will keep getting there bit by bit.
Have you managed to do anything for yourself today? Have a short walk? Listen to your favourite song? Talk to yourself kindly?
I still have a little notepad that I wrote three good things in each day. Or printed out a picture that made me think of hope. Nobody or any illness can ever make you feel like a lost cause. You’re doing this, even by writing here and being so eloquent in how you’re feeling. You’re doing this lovely. I think you’re amazing.
Rachel x
Thanks so much. The support on this forum is incredible, it really helps to hear from people who have been there.
Today was a lot of tears. It’s so hard to have to get up and keep going but we have to when we have kids.
x
Hi MotherofBears,
This picture made me think of you... if you look at things from a slightly different angle then you can see that slowly but surely you are making progress. This is definitely what you are doing!
Thinking of you xx
I think I’m feeling scared and disappointed because I’m at my target dose of mood stabiliser, but I still feel bad.
Hello MotherOfBears
Please don’t be disappointed as you are amazing to be at home and fighting to be well. Recovery for me was very up and down, that feeling of being helpless and hopeless was around for quite a while. I can see that you have been pushing those fears aside and have had fun baking at home with your son ... so hold onto that hope.
It’s all very well for me to sit here while you are in the middle of ‘it’ but many years ago I was in that boat .... at times trying to stay afloat but on good days sailing in the breeze. I know it’s hard but try to distract yourself, either with baking where you can knead and take your feelings out on the dough, or perhaps take something from the BBC’s Headroom mental health toolkit at bbc.co.uk/headroom to relax and unwind.
We are all here for you 🌻
I think that I am losing hope. I feel like I will never be rid of this. The thought of this continuing for months fills me with so much fear. I’m so scared right now. I don’t know how to cope.
Hi MotherOfBears, I am so sorry to read you feeling so low at the moment. Specially as it felt like you were coming out of the tunnel and now you may feel like you are back in again. I wonder if some talking therapy could be of some help for you?Regarding medication, we are all really unique in our chemistry and react differently to drugs. I am quite sensitive to medication, I am short and must have a rapid metabolism, so I have to do very gradual increases and typical doses mean little to me. What I try to say is that measuring ourselves against a standard may be detrimental and not give us much information. If you feel you need to review your dose, do reach out to the team and have a chat with them about it.
Take good care, will be thinking of you. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but it will pass as it has done before, you will get there and recover fully my dear
I’m sorry I know I keep posting on here so often. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at the target dose of my mood stabiliser, and I still feel so low. Im starting to feel so desperate and so hopeless.
I’ve spoken with my community nurse and she is going to book a medication review but not sure when that will be.
Dear MotherOfBears - thanks for the updates, it is good that you are able to use the forum here to document your recovery. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you ARE recovering. I think the feelings you describe, while incredibly distressing, are part of the process - its absolutely exhausting, and the climb out of the pit is so steep we can't see the summit. But please believe me when I say that you are making amazing progress. We will hold on to that hope for you, when you feel it slipping out of your grasp. What is a self-compassionate thing that you can do for yourself today? If you need a bit of inspiration, please do take a look at this very short video on youtube (I return to it again and again, whenever I need a reminder) youtu.be/-kfUE41-JFw
Sending you all my love and get well wishes
Kat x
Hello MotherOfBears,
I'm sorry to read that your mood is low again this week. Please don't lose hope, so many women here have been where you are and completely understand what you're going through - the ups and downs are so so tough but step by step, day by day, you are making progress and should be so proud of yourself.
Do keep reaching out to your doctors and discussing your medication if it feels like things aren't settling. It can take some time to get the balance right and keeping a note of your mood might be helpful in guiding any further tweaks that might be needed. Be really gentle on yourself, I can understand feeling disappointed and frustrated when you have bad days after feeling so much better, but the bad days will get fewer, you will get there 💜
I'm thinking of you lots. I hope you can breathe in some fresh spring air this morning and reflect on just how strong you are. Keep going, one step at a time, we're all here for you.
Sending love,
Jenny x
thank you again, always, for your support
Evening MotherOfBears, Just to say I hope you’re ok. As ok as you can be, so sorry you’re having a tough week. You’ve had some kind replies from some lovely people here. And Kats words in particular, “we hold onto that hope for you when you feel it slipping from your grasp.” Gosh, that’s a thought isn’t it. We’re all here for you and each other too. One step at a time. Thinking of you. Rachel x
Hi dear MotherOfBears
I've just been reading through your thread from this week, and could remember so clearly myself 10 months after PP, feeling like the hopelessness would never lift. It's so good that you're here on the forum, part of this community - there's never any need to feel sorry for posting often. You too will help others feel less alone, in your courage putting into words the fears and disappointment of struggling with low mood after PP.
So many people find this first year or two after PP really hard. You are not alone, and I know you are digging so deep to get through this - it's hard to believe right now, but you will find yourself again and be so proud of how far you've come.
My girls are 17 and 11 now - I look back on the 12-18 months of depression after their births as both the hardest time I've experienced, and the bravest thing I've done as a mum. There's courage in taking the rest you need, crying the tears you need to cry, and keeping a fragile hope of better days to come. The best days will come, truly - days to celebrate yourself and your love for your kids.
We're rooting for you, and here for you every step
Naomi x
Hi MotherOfBears,
I’m so sorry you have entered another “down”.
The first year after the birth of my son, memories of the hospital and my behavior during the psychosis kept popping up and would really affect my mood because it’s not like I was purposely trying to think about it.
Some helpful advice I got from my therapist is when you have bad memory / negative thought, acknowledge it but then categorize it / name it. For example “bad thought” or “hospital thought” and then push it away. This was really effective for me.
You are on the road to recovery and it will get easier.
I had an episode in 2016 after I got married. A few days before our wedding anniversary I became irritable and sad and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. Then I realized it was because our anniversary was coming up and I kid you not, the day afterward I felt better.
So not sure you may also be dealing with anniversary of some sort? I don’t if I’ll ever be able to look back on our wedding without getting upset, but at least my sons birthday doesn’t have that same effect.
Take care.
I had Post Partum Psychosis way back in 2016 after my fourth child. I remember feeling a bit defeated when depression came back again after I went through a period of feeling good. I was worried I wouldn't be able to get through these dark days raising my children. Motherhood is hard and on top of that you have to manage your mental health. Its so much to juggle but you are doing that and I believe you are your strongest on the hard days. Your medications might take a while to kick in. The lows are soul crushing but they won't last forever. Is there any other life stresses going on? The reason I ask is that life stresses can tip us into lows. I had loads of family stress that has caused me to relapse into a deep depression. So when I read your post my heart went out to you as I know exactly how you feel. I was told it could be a while to get started on a new med and just like you I felt like I couldn't tolerate living this way. But here is the thing we can and will live through this chapter in our lives. The main thing to focus on is limiting your stress levels, finding time to relax and rest as it can be exhausting being a mum and having depression at the same time. Take great care of yourself and remember your not alone 💖
Hi MotherOfBears, just wondering how you've been. Take good care, will be thinking of you
unfortunately it has been a rough few days. It is so kind of you to check in. I still have this feeling that I don’t know how I can get through this awful illness. But I am beginning to accept that I don’t have a choice but to keep going. The only way is through it.
I think my mood stabiliser isn’t working but I have a medical review this week
Thanks again for checking in, it does help that people here are so kind and easy to talk to about it all
Hi MotherOfBears, there is strength in acceptance, it is not easy to achieve that level of coming to terms with it. It is rough and difficult as you well say. It is not forever though, good days are on their way.How are you getting on with exercise? Are you still running?
Take good care, we are all rooting for you
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