Thoughts around “missing out”

[RPR24]

Hi All, I’ve just joined. Triplet birth in 2021 diagnosed with PP 5 excruciating and frightening weeks later, spent 2 weeks in a general psychiatric hospital.. I know it was only weeks but I dwell on the whole experience and how I feel I “missed out” on 2 weeks of my babies early lives because I wasn’t in my right mind or caring for them as I was separated from them and feel as though my whole experience of motherhood was ruined as it just wasn’t supposed to pan out that way. I love my children more than anything but just wish it didn’t happen to me. Tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this way..

[Cheryl-2021 Volunteer]

Hello RPR24

Welcome to the group and I am glad you have been able to find us and reach out.

I am sorry to read you have experienced PP with an admission. Sounds like you have done amazing to be where you are now.

I experienced PP 18 years ago and I still refer to it now as missing out. What I do to help with the feeling is to focus on the positives and how strong I was to get myself back to me again and all the things I was able to do, after recovery, with my baby.

Be kind to yourself and in time I am sure you will also be able to look at the positives and be able to manage your feelings of missing out x

[hgallo Volunteer]

Hi RPR24, welcome to the forum. I have twin girls myself and had pp on 2016. I completely get where you're coming from. When I see mums not affected by pp I definitely feel a pang. It isn't fair that we had this illness, you're right. I found talking to others who'd had pp helped because we'd all missed those early days in a sense.But you survived and with 3 babies so you are an absolute warrior in my eyes. With 2 I found those days really hard so I take my hat off to you. How are you doing now? We can relate here so anytime you want to talk someone will pick it up. Lots of love to you and your 3 from me and my 2 xx

[RPR24 Volunteer in reply to hgallo]

Thank you! It’s nice to chat to people that understand because “normal” mums just don’t get it. All good now thank you, I stopped my meds after a year so I’ve been off them for almost a year but going to restart CBT for psychosis so that I can understand things a bit better, hopefully talking about it will help me deal with the feeling of missing out or like I’ve failed them (I know in reality I haven’t but it’s just tough). I guess being medicated for a year made things feel like such a blur during their first year. Us multiple mums are amazing.. especially with PP on top of all that. Thank you for your reply, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts xx

[Ramlah_at_APP Volunteer in reply to RPR24]

Hello RPR24,

Welcome to the forum ! Thank you for reaching out 🥰

I’m so sorry you had to go through PP 5 weeks after the birth of your triplets .

I had PP back in 2014 was also admitted to a general Psychiatric unit for 2 weeks then eventually transferred to a MBU. I know how you feel, when say you wish it didn’t happen to you ❤️‍🩹

Try not to dwell on those 2 weeks missed , I know it’s hard but the more you think about it you will feel bad within yourself . Instead focus on the present and what the future may bring for you and your triplets 😃

I am glad that you are going to restart CBT, it’s so effective ! Hopefully it will impact you in a positive way . Wishing you all the best xx

[Chick44nzrn]

Dear RPR 24

Of course you will have regrets and grieve those missed weeks but please try to look at the significance of getting the medical help you needed at that critical time to enable you to have the rest of their lives in your living care .

I struggled with pps and depression with my first 2 sons . They are now 6’ and 6’2”..!! Those early weeks are now a drop in the ocean , and the rest of their lives have been full of wonderful experiences and adventures . Scarcely able to manage the early weeks with both we are now very dear and close friends, when you’re feeling low , try making a list of all the great blessings you are grateful for which helped me recently during dark days of chemo and which was helpful!

How miraculous to have 3 gorgeous babies ! Congratulations and my best wishes and love to you and your little treasures

Denise

[HelenMW Volunteer]

hello there

You are certainly not alone in thinking that you missed out during those first weeks.

I was unwell after my first birth and in and out of a general psychiatric hospital for 12 weeks. Once I recovered it was just wonderful to be ‘me’ again.

My PP was in 1988 so a long time ago. I have talked openly to my daughter about how I felt after her birth and she absolutely understands that it could not be helped . She was cared for by nanny’s, provided back then by the company my husband worked for! Not sure it happens now. Family stepped in where they could but I was far from home , and what a blessing I had a wonderful neighbour who was a child minder.

My daughter knows I absolutely love her to bits and much as I missed her first 12 weeks , she has no memory of this time. I think that would be helpful to think about when these ‘missing out ‘ thoughts come along.

She had her own baby 7 years ago and was absolutely fine , and the great news there was that I could care for her and my grandson during the post natal period. She had an emergency caesarean, not such great news, but that meant I could do all the lifting and driving for her. We were so close during that time that it made up for any sense of missing her first weeks.

I think and hope as your triplets grow you will forge great memories and hopefully the other thoughts would diminish over time.

I notice you are having CBT which I have had and found it an excellent way of dealing with thoughts that come and are not true.

So glad you have found this site and thank you for sharing.

Warm wishes, Helen

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello RPR24,

Welcome to the forum My name's Jenny, I'm one of the peer support coordinators at APP and had PP myself after my first son was born in 2012.

I think it's so natural and normal to feel this way - the early weeks and months of being a new mum aren't supposed to be that way. But as others have said, what a warrior you are! You've come through so much and should be very proud.

I hope reading other people's stories and experiences here and on our website help, I know it helped me a lot in coming to terms with my experience. Going through PP definitely gave me a different perspective on things and it's important to take note of all the positives as others have said, and all the new memories you're making with your three beautiful little ones

You can read more about APP's peer support on our website here: app-network.org/peer-support/

There's also a recovery guide on our website that might be helpful to have a look through and talks about some of the common feelings through different stages of recovery: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I'm really glad you've found us - welcome to our community and do write any time.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[SJSharks]

I can completely relate. I think that took me the longest to accept, I still struggle a bit today but not as bad.

I had so much guilt. I felt terrible I wasn’t there for my child or husband. Then I came home and I struggled with feeling my son didn’t remember me and didn’t know I was mom.

Everyone said “it’s fine. He didn’t know the difference.” But I knew…and as you said it affected my whole postpartum experience. They grow up so fast…you can’t get that time back.

I’m honestly still upset about it and I am still working on forgiveness. (This was back in September 2020). However I feel so close and bonded to my son today and I’m so grateful I have him.

Time heals. It really does.

[Control1234]

Hi RPR24,

Totally get this, I was separated from my three children for four weeks (they were older then yours) and then I felt like I was a shell of myself for about two years and I have felt so guilty for that - there were days where I just couldn’t cope and I worry I have scarred them forever. BUT the fact that you are even writing this post shows what a caring, loving mum you are. You have been through a traumatic experience but you will recover from this and in the process they will learn from your resilience and your strength. I believe God’s Love and what Jesus did for us is the greatest force in the universe and your relationship with your kids will bloom despite your separation. My kids and I have the most wonderful relationship despite everything and although at times I doubt myself I can see that they are happy. Sending you so much love as I know it’s not an easy journey xx

[Control1234]

also I am a twin mum so I admire you much with triplets ❤️

[Hidden]

hello, thanks for sharing .

Your post resonates with me so much as I too have really struggled with the trauma of being separated from my daughter (first born) while I was in a psychiatric intensive care unit (secure) - this is the biggest trauma for me of the whole illness. I would cry on the ward wanting to be with my daughter and they’d tell me to stop crying as it made me look too emotional and didn’t help my case to get out! So messed up. I get a pang when I hear about mums who’ve been able to go to an MBU and stay with their baby or of course mums who’ve had the 4th trimester I’d hoped to have. I’m grateful to be alive and it makes me so determined to be the best possible mum I can be and shower her with love for the rest of my days. But it’s still something that I find really sad and difficult. I’m a social worker too and so I have put a lot of pressure on myself with regard to bonding, attachment and those early days of skin to skin so yeh it’s tough.

Sending love to you

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Hidden]

Hello Foggyheadmum,

Welcome to the forum, you will find many mums here that can relate to our very own unique experience. It is so heart breaking to read about your experience in the psychiatric ward, many of the staff are not used to dealing with mums on the early post partum days, I am very sorry you were at the receiving end of that comment.

My psychiatrist once told me that regardless of how hard these days are it is going to be a small period of time compared to the lifetime of your daughter and yours.

Take good care, sending you best wishes on your recovery

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hello RPR24,

It is very hard to not feel a pang of jealousy at other mums who have not been separated from their babies for a period of time. I went to general psych for 10 days while my daughter was cared for by my mother in law. When she was young I felt so jealous of the bond she had with her father and granny and I blamed it on that physical separation and on the long present in body but absent in mind period that followed. Needless to say that 4 years after she and I have a really special bond, while granny and dad continue to be as close as ever. It helped me to think that there is not a quota of love we have to spend between us family, it is rather more like bottomless sack from which we continue to draw every day to include family, friends and even kind acquaintances.

You are such an inspiring woman, don't forget this. Will be thinking of you, take really good car