The Journey to recovery

[Astarlove]

Good people can you share what you feel as you journey to recovering. At times i dont ven know how i must be feeling and get confused. Today for a numb person felt so much like crying and like i was missing my son when i was a t work. Whrn i got home i cried so hard why i had to go through all this and if um being a good mum while in sleep all. Night because um sedated. My hubby gave me clonazopam and i became cals. m. Spoke to my psych yesterday and she said i was doing amaizing because im. Back at work and managing. Well if that how doing great is like i wonder what is not... She explained to me that feeling detached if part of the journey and i havr to be patient. Funny each day has its different feels. Today may feel great tomorrow not so..... I miss the consistency in the mind... And not feeling so helpless like not knowing what to feel... If the feeeling is right or um redressing... All funny questions i never used to have. Before all of this

[hgallo Volunteer]

Hi Astarlove, I'm one of the volunteers at APP. I had pp after the birth of my twin girls in 2016 and a second episode in 2018, not pregnancy related. How long is it since you had pp? I'm guessing from your post it's still early days.

I found the first year a big adjustment. Similar to you i felt most people didn't understand what i'd been through. I also had severe social anxiety for a while after.

It took me 5 years to return to work, I did some volunteering and an IT course in the intervening years. So I think that it's amazing that you're back at work, credit to you for giving it a go! Going back after having kids is hard and we've got it double with having been so ill.

Have you spoken to your work about having had pp? Is it possible they could make some adjustments for you? Reduced hours maybe to start with?

What do you enjoy doing outside of work? Try and build things up slowly. Coffee with a friend maybe or something low key. The first month after I was out of the MBU I had arranged to meet a group of friends in town for a meal. I couldn't face it in the end and got the bus back home again.

You are not alone in this journey, we're all here with you and have got your back (!) Just try and take things gradually and keep in touch xx

[Astarlove in reply to hgallo]

Ooooo thank you for the reply... Had written a lonng reply but it got lost. I was on meds in june and defaulted. I haf to start alover again in July andd thats when i started to feel better as in no episodes since. But niw the journey with head spinning and and feeling strange and feeling like i want to jump outt of my body that was tough. Still on the journey to recovery and would be interested to know if someone felt like the head ia spinning too. Work is very bizy and the medication i am on slows the mind which makes it a bit hard cause u need to think fast. And wantes to know if pp affects the bond with the baby. Do you hate your chikd with pp?? I never hated him but was just to scared to carrey him or do anything foe him. My knees would become week. And at home noone understood whi h made things so hard. I wish i was out in hospital at times i think would have recovered faster. I envy you who went to mbus. I was at home going crazy with noone understanding the journey. So will i have realisation that he is my baby annd will emotions of love just flow?.

[hgallo Volunteer in reply to Astarlove]

I didn't have problems bonding with my girls but my confidence in myself as a mum took a beating for sure! How old is your little boy now? I found the anti psychotics made me very drowsy. Have they said how long you'll be on them for? They normally wean you off after a while. Have a good rest x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Astarlove,

My name’s Jenny, I’m one of the peer support coordinators at APP. I’m so glad you found the forum and hope you’ve been finding connecting with others here helpful, I know it helped me so much in my own recovery after experiencing postpartum psychosis to find this space 😊

I think the recovery journey after PP is different for everyone and there can be so much to work through and process while also learning to be a mum – it’s a lot!!

For me it was quite up and down which I think is the case for most people. I spent a month in a mother and baby unit and coming home was such a big step and everyone kept telling me how well I was doing, but there was so much to come to terms with and it did take time. I was quite anxious and unsure of myself and it took a while to feel like I had any kind of clue what I was doing as a mum (I have two sons now who are 10 and 6 and I’m still winging it every day!). Being back at work helped me to feel a bit more like 'me' again and gave me a different routine and adult company which was a good thing, but it was a bit further down the line when my son was 10/11 months old.

You are doing brilliantly, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t worry that you’re sleeping at night, that’s a good thing so you can hopefully function better in the day. Cry when you feel you need to cry – it’s a release and a positive thing. I know it can be confusing and frustrating to not know how you’re going to feel from one day to the next, but try to take note of the positives in each day, however small, and to remember how far you’ve come even if there’s still a way to go.

Be gentle with yourself – it really is a journey and we’re all here to listen and support each other along the way.

Sending very best wishes,

Jenny x

[Astarlove in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Thanks Jenny. Its not an easy journey. Did you ever feel depersonalised? How did you know you were recovering and how long di it take. Did it come with depression or it was jist psychosis

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Astarlove]

Hi Astarlove

You’re right, it’s not an easy journey but you’re not alone and we’re all here to listen whenever it helps.

I do remember feeling flat and detached a lot of the time. I was going through the motions a lot of the time and ‘faked it’ until my confidence gradually built. It’s hard putting a timescale on things as I think there are so many layers and different aspects to any one person’s recovery journey. I felt much more myself after coming off my medication which was 15 months after my PP but I was still processing things for some time after that - I first posted on here when my son was about to turn two. I was fortunate not to experience a depression but a lot of women do.

I’m not sure if APP’s recovery guide has already been shared with you, these insider guides were put together with the help of women with lived experience and have some really helpful information - app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

Take care, it’s lovely to connect with you here.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Astarlove,

I am sorry that it feels so up and down from day to day and that some are good and some are not great. You touch on so many aspects of early recovery that many of us can relate to.

I struggled with bonding with my daughter on her first year of life. I felt flat, emotionless, very low in confidence about caring for her, it was tough and I am sorry that you had to go through it all at home. It is not easy to understand this illness, it is not very commonplace so not many people can relate to it, perhaps some time down the line you can have a more open conversation with your partner to be able to explain things from your perspective. Give it a bit of time. It took us a few years to be able to talk about it in a

I think sometimes we measure recovery by things we are able to do, but a few times we are able to do those things because we are willing ourselves to do them with great amount of effort that is not sustainable. Sometimes we have very few options and have to return to work sooner than we would feel really ready to do. Perhaps it is a good idea to talk to your manager and discuss your workload and the amount of hours you are doing per week. You don't have to disclose anything that you don't feel comfortable doing, but it may be an idea if work is getting busier to give them a heads up so you don't feel obliged to take more than what you feel comfortable with.

I did a phase return to work when my daughter was 8 months old and I still felt quite drowsy from the antipsychotic medication, I had weaned off the clonazepam by then, but it was still a big struggle to get up in the morning and drop off my daughter before continuing to the office. When I was well enough that me and my psychiatrist agreed for my medication to be reduced it became a bit easier, so please be reassured that this is not forever.

Take really good care, will be thinking of you

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Astarlove,

yes, recovery is such a learning curve, whether it is experienced consciously, or you go through motions of subconscious experiences. I describe it like this, because I was sectioned for a while and then received full time care via my wonderful partner.

The first year was such a blur as I was on heavy traditional medication and unable to look after my son. Sometimes I knew I had a baby and sometimes I was so terribly de-associated.

The aftercare was much better as I suffered "unreasonable treatment" in a psychiatric hospital and of course without my baby. Luckily nowadays there are more mother and baby units in the UK.

Therefore, each case is so diverse, depending on circumstances. I am an Educationalist, but all my skills in looking after my baby were lost at the time. Bonding was not a problem, when I was switched on, but those moments were rare in the first 6 months.

However, my son is 12 now. We are extremely close and that is all in the past now. I feel grateful that my brain shut off for a while, because inner healing needed to take place.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. All those wonderful ladies on this forum are great mums and I feel so fortunate to have received help on this forum, too when in despair.

You are not alone, and so happy you found this forum.

Take good care xxx