new mom terrible but hopeful

[Bravesoul]

hello,

I suspect that i have postpartum psychosis. I do not have hallucinations, and i am not a threat to myself or the baby. I have been diagnosed as bipolar and ive been scared that i would get this psychosis. Because of this i have already been taking gaedon and had to stop breastfeeding. I also take gabapentin because my anxiety gave me nightmares and it was terrible. Still i experience intense mood swings. I think my partner blames me and i feel judged. I feel guilty. I try my best with our baby and it gets me through sometimes. But i feel broken. My pregnancy was extremely difficult. I had pre eclampsia. I also wanted to die everyday of the third trimester and had anxiety so bad I thought i was falling off a cliff. Is anyone experiencing something similar? How did you get through it?

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Bravesoul

I'm so very sorry to hear that your pregnancy and early days with your baby have been so difficult. How old is your little one now?

Well done for reaching out here to share how you are feeling, and how worried it's been making you. It must be so hard to have all those feelings of guilt, anxiety and worrying that your partner is blaming you or judging you.

Do you have support from any doctors or health professionals at the moment? I know it can be so hard to tell someone how bad you are feeling when you are a brand new mum - but it's the first step to taking all the pressure off yourself and getting support.

I see from your profile that you're based in the USA, and I wondered if you have reached out to Postpartum Support International (PSI) also? postpartum.net/get-help/

PSI have a helpline and volunteers all across the USA who can advise you on the best services to access in your area.

I'm so glad you have found the courage to put your feelings into words here, and so many of us who have been through really scary times of postnatal illness can encourage you that you will get better - with time and support you can get through this.

Thinking of you,

Warm wishes

Naomi x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Bravesoul,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to read about the really tough pregnancy and post partum. It is great that you have found this place, you will meet many supportive mums who have been through similar experiences, have recovered and go on to live full on lives.

I had pp in 2018 after the birth of my first daughter and I also experienced intense and rapid mood swings during my episodes, combined with delusions and racing thoughts. I later on experienced some hallucinations too.

Please, do not feel guilty as experiencing this is beyond your control, it is a terrible and scary illness but also very recoverable, with time and treatment you will be back to your old self and able to enjoy being a new mum.

Keep the communication with the mental health team following you and with your partner, when I was on my highs I felt as if there was nothing wrong with me, despite it being obvious to the people closest to me. Let them know of your symptoms, this psychosis can unfortunately escalate quite quickly. From your post I can see that you have a lot of self awareness and that will be a great tool for you.

Take really good care, things will certainly get better

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Hello BravesoulI had post partum psychosis followed by a bi polar diagnosis. If my mood swings are very extreme then I would normally seek medical help starting with my GP. I am postmenopausal now but I used to get PMT but so do most women, so I didn't count those mood swings.

Please don’t feel guilty and get yourself as much medical help as you can.

In my experience, trauma during pregnancy/childbirth doesn't help.

I think it is difficult to get through it by yourself with a young baby, is there anyone else around who can support you and your partner?

Thinking of you, lots of love. I did get through it and get well again but not without medical support.

Take care, I hope things improve soon.

[Teresa_K_S Volunteer]

Hi Bravesoul,

I'm glad you found the forum. You will find many with similar experiences.

I'm sorry you had a difficult third trimester and birth. It must have been hard to cope and explain to anyone as we are expected to be happy and excited. Dont feel guilty as depression in pregnancy and post birth is quite common.

I also have bipolar and had to give up breastfeeding to avoid another postpartum psychosis with my 2nd and 3rd child. Breastfeeding was important to me and I was sad to have to stop but I had to reason that it was more important to keep myself well. The feelings of guilt were there though and it helped to keep talking to friends and family about it.

Is there anyway you could explain you feelings to your husband? You may be surprised to find he doesn't blame and judge you. You have given him a precious gift of a baby whilst coping with being unwell. That is amazing.

Is it possible your husband may not understand the nature of your illness? Could you both seek support together, and individually for yourself, from your mental health team?

It's important tell a doctor you think you may have postpartum psychosis as it can progress quickly. You may need a tweak of medications which could help.

Does your husband work? I found the days when my husband was working long and scary. It was much easier if I had someone to call round to break the day up and help out if I was struggling. Try not to be hard on yourself and remember you have been doing brilliantly. It does get easier

Kind thoughts

Teresa

[resilient_mama1982 Volunteer]

Hello BravesoulI admire you for being so open and honest here. I have bipolar and have four children. It was after the traumatic birth of my fourth child when I experienced post partum psychosis. I learnt that bipolar has many triggers. Pregnancy or any other time throughout the perinatal period puts us at risk of having an episode of depression, mania and psychosis. Sleep plays a big role in keeping Bipolar at bay so it makes sense that due to the sleep deprivation you are experiencing symptoms will emerge. You don't need to go through all this alone as there are so many of us here who understand. I remember feeling so lost at sea with how I was feeling and my husband didn't understand either. For all the years we have been together it was only after our fourth child where he seen me slip into what I now know was post partum psychosis. The reason I am telling you all this is too let you know that everything will get better. In the mean time let us know how your doing. Also connect in with your psychiatrist. Do you have a good mental team? Sending you hugs 💓

[mikefff]

Do not feel guilty. You are very ill. The intense feelings are an illness. You will get better. No one should be judging you. Look after yourself, work with the doctors to get better. You will be OK I guarantee it. No one else can possibly imagine how hard it is to be ill like this, so pat yourself on the back for being strong and brave. All the best.

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Hello, a big hug to you. How are things for you at the moment? x