One year after PP

[CaroN57]

I was in a post partum group, but I didn't really connected with people and couldn't talk about in any details because it may be triggering for others. Also they kept saying thing like "at least i'm not going crazy" ... Well I did go crazy and it was not my fault. One year later and I'm back at work and I'm incredibly sad that I'm not my normal self, I'm afraid of being me, because when I was me and was talking really fast I scared the people around me. I feel guilty ashamed and afraid. I'm trying to be my normal self: I'm someone that's its bright and cheerful loud and a jokster and right now I'm like a shy kid hidding in a corner, or at least that how I feel internally... I thought going to work would make me feel happy, but it just shows me how far I still have to go because I'm still no myself.

Looking for answers a coach recommended me this group and I just wish I had find it sooner, but I'm just happy that at least now I know.

[guinea1]

Hi CaroN57Thank you for reaching out.. you are a survivor of a aweful illness.. even though you know that it wasn't your fault.. there is sadness and guilt around what happened the "crazy" part is difficult to understand..yes, you are past the worst part, but it leaves you with so many unanswered questions that take time to understand or come to terms with. The sadness and guilt can run deeper than you think, it will take time to find the "old you" again.. give yourself that time, try not to push it and find some time for self-love.. it will come back.

I am so glad you have found here, as there are people who can give support and one to one if needed... it took me many years to find this place as I found everything so traumatic and pushed everything away hidden deep inside locked away or so I thought, until it had to come out 20 odd years later.. so if you feel able to find the strength to seek the support that is really greatly needed... then I feel it would be a great benefit.. I wish I had.. but at the time there wasn't the awareness or understanding "back in the day" .... take the time needed, it cannot be rushed just start with the small bits you can cope with and gradually things will start to heal.

We are all on our individual journey and here you are not alone, there is so much support and understanding from mothers with lived experiences .

Take care x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi CaroN57

Welcome to the forum ... this is definitely the place to find lots of support and shared experiences. I’m so sorry to hear you suffered PP and are struggling to find yourself. I think it takes a while to come to terms with all that happened as for me it was completely out of the blue. I had PP twice many years ago and found such amazing support here.

Like you, I felt very guilty and ashamed for a long time until I realised that it wasn’t my fault and I had no control over what happened. So I hope in time you will feel the same. Unlike you though, I wasn’t loud (wanted to be but never confident) until PP struck and I was very, very loud! This was due to me trying to quieten the commanding voice in my head and shouting was the only way. It’s a shame that my husband bore the brunt of my outbursts as I didn’t dare tell what was going on in my head! Wish I had though ....

I think you’re amazing, returning to work in such a short time after such a traumatic experience. I hope the coach you have will eventually make you feel proud and confident. Recovering from PP takes time so please be kind to yourself.

I wonder if you have seen the PP Guides at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... one of which is “Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis” which might be helpful even a year on, as there are personal stories on the page.

Also as you write from Canada, there might be local support at Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net/. They have a list of international countries and co-ordinators for help and advice. It goes without saying though that you are always very welcome here.

Take care ... we are with you across the miles.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello CaroN57,

I am pleased to meet you on here. Gosh-it has been only one year and you are already out there and working. You are doing exceptionally well!

You always will be you, but our "human design" is continuously changing. PPP is a very traumatising illness. The past is the past and the momentum is yours. When I talk about my lived experience before the acute illness, I call it "my previous life". I rejuvenated, - in a way reborn

I did not know that there was a disposition of Bipolar in my family, but my life was fast and 24/7. I lectured and taught many subjects (Research/Pedagogy/TEFL/MFL) Never have had a proper sleep pattern and was extremely sociable and adventurous. I travelled a lot. I was always in gear 5...

I am in acceptance that I am not who I was before, neurologically, physically, emotionally, and mentally we are all on a journey, which is called cycle of life. Your lived experience will have a significant meaning when you continue with your path of recovery.

Inner tuning, self reflection and knowing what your needs are can be very rewarding. I am slowing down and see things more intensely, which gives me pleasure, because I recognise how beautiful life is. I breath in and out, I am grounding, I love creativity, I see my son blossom and tons more. Nothing is permanent, we are changing daily and your purpose will evolve.

I know some may say why me?! Destiny is not explanatory, and life changes can be very challenging...over the last 11 years my learning has developed into new directions and open my horizon, a holistic experience of understanding what matters most.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to heal, - I am not success driven, I do not compare, I strive towards being none judgmental and when I am grounding myself I connect with Mother Earth, dig the ground and create new life with seeds and continue nourishing my plants, I love being creative and I feel compassion...Caro, do the stuff, which gives you pleasure, it really helps and supports your healing, spend time with those you trust and love.

Find your sanctuary within! Take good care...

(I love a lot of artists in Canada and have a beautiful virtual friend in Vancouver, she helped me through some very dark nights, when everybody was asleep here in the UK and I was hugging my Insomnia for long 7 years at night, she was with me and my creative processes, remember it is always about the process!)

[Keziah8 Volunteer]

Hi CaroN57 I was having a read through the forum. Reading your post here brought back memories. I felt like that for a while after I had recovered from postpartum psychosis. Exactly as you describe it. Not myself…not talking…not having opinions or ideas…just kind of odd and quiet. People who hadn’t seen me for a long time noticed and commented but friends and family who had been there through it all didn’t find it as unusual or they understood. Looking back now…I think that was just a transitional period. After some time I did get back to being me or as some of my friends said ‘even better than I was before’. You will get there too. Then you will look back just like I am now. ❤️ How are you feeling since writing and reading on the APP forum? X

[CaroN57]

Lovely to read this! It's hard to read the stories, in some ways it's painful but part of my healing bprocess to remember and accept what happened. At the moment I'm grieving what happened and what could have been, but feel a bit better this weekend as it seems the anniversary memories have already passed. They increased my medication and that helped me cope with the situation of the anniversary plus going back to work, which both are very stressful situations.... In some ways I see how much I have improved but I'm so impatient to be back to my normal self, if that even is possible since my only comparison is when I didn't have a baby and now as a mother, so it can't be the same at all. Thanks for sharing, hope you are well.

[Keziah8 Volunteer]

CaroN57 it is totally possibly. That’s great news that the anniversary memories have passed! Everyone gets there at different times but we do get there. You will be the person you were before this happened plus more great stuff added as being a mum. Then the amazing fact of being a working mum too. Then one day you get to the point where remembering what happened to you becomes a gift in itself. I feel blessed to have this insight into mental health so that I can relate to others so much more. One day you will be able to do the same. One baby step at a time…looking forward to hearing your updates.