Evening ladies me again..
Thankyou to all those who replied to my last post a few weeks back I do appreciate it honestly 💕
I feel for the majority I’m doing okay.. & this week has been very hard & hands on as my youngest who is now 17months (I had boaderline PP after he’s birth Feb 2020) came down with an awful sickness viral late Saturday afternoon, & deteriorated very quickly, he wasn’t eating or keeping any fluids down & was very lathargic & slept ALOT also had zero interest in playing with he’s toys etc, so our doctor advised us to take him to AnE on the children’s CAT ward for observation & to see if there was anything else underlying..
I was happy to take him as seeing him so unwell was heartbreaking & all I wanted to do was take the illness away for him & make him better ASAP,
As soon as we arrived at the hospital & was walking up to the ward I could feel my anxiety rising & at this point I begin to fight back the tears & continue to get my child up on the ward, it brought so many flashbacks of trauma from my experience 17months ago & once I had arrived on the ward I was in tears & a lovely nurse came over to give me a cuddle & was so understanding to my background, she asked me to leave him with he’s daddy & me & my eldest lad go downstairs to the cafeteria area & go get ourselves a cool drink & wait for them, I was happy & relieved to do this so that’s what we did, me & my 6 yr old had a few hrs together sat outside in the sunshine (it was 29oc) having a little picnic together, my boyfriend kept me informed on the updates with Luke & thankfully he was cleared okay & allowed home with a diagnosis of a severe viral with symptoms made much more severe due to the heatwave we are currently having (uk)
I was absolutely fine during this time & very happy to see my baby looking a little better £ glad to be going home,
& as we was waking out the hospital grounds an intrusive thought popped in my mind of ‘what if they have fitted him with a device to check on us all at home & how we are doing’
Again completely & utter nonsense as I knew it was, I KNEW & KNOW it’s not reality & it’s my mind due to going back to a place where my illness began & there is deep trauma still there hidden deep within me
This thought was very unsettling & anxiety provoking & I did confide in my family as to how I was feeling & the thought I was having..
They reassured me it was just all due to the deep trauma I haven’t yet dealt with & worker on (I’m due to see a private counsellor next week for my first session)
I’ve been fine in myself, getting on with the days, bossing motherhood & there is no signs or symptoms of me relapsing at all.. I know this isn’t a relapse as I am perfectly able to function day to day & remain mummy to my two beautiful babies,
It’s just all very upsetting & triggering isn’t it when you find yourself in these places that caused you so much trauma & illness
I guess the point of this post is just getting my feelings out there & looking for reassurance that I’m not alone in how I feel when we go back to somewhere that triggers how we felt during our PP episodes..
any advice/support or you’re stories would be greatly appreciated ☺️
Hope we are all okay xx