I am 10 years on from having PP. I have come so far but as a result I suffer with anxiety and depression and I battle with those and do my best.
As those 10 years have passed there have been moments of flashbacks, feelings, emotions triggered at times by obvious things, other times not.
A couple of weeks ago my cousin and his partner had a baby girl, I had been so excited for him. Yet as soon as I was told the news, a massive amount of emotion passed through me, much more than I have ever felt before, and it knocked me for six, and I immediately started crying. That in itself is odd as I find it hard to cry.
I have gone a bit awol and distanced myself, which is what I do when I am starting to feel low.
My brain is thinking so much and I am having flashbacks and I am feeling so much.
- that the baby girl safely arrived.
-Worried that her mum will get PP.
-Sad that her aunty passed away before she could meet her.
- jealous that they get a baby to do all the 1sts with, to enjoy getting home from hospital, to enjoy making the calls, receiving cards, getting visitors and showing their baby off. They get to bath her and Proudly walk her in her buggy.
- Guilty that I wasn't there for my own little girl or initially enjoyed her as I should at the beggining.
- scared how time is flying by so quickly and I am doing secondary school applications and watching her grow and not want to cuddle me as much.
- mad that I didn't get the experience I Should have and never will.
-thankful that I was lucky to get a MBU place and take my baby
- Angry about events that happened to me during that time, angry I cant remember things.
I am not and I don't think ever have been angry that I got PP as I am one of the lucky one and I think I believe things happen for a reason and we learn from them.
However those feelings like mentioned above, how to we deal woth those, how do we deal with those triggers or flashbacks!
That overwhelm of emotion scared me. I am no good at processing it, or knowing how.
So I have come back on here, to this ever helpful site to ask how you lovely people cope with similar feelings?
Thank you as always
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Strawberry55
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I'm not an expert, but I do believe that your feelings need to be processed. Your mind is still working through the extreme experience you had, which is normal and natural. Maybe get NHS talk therapy, it's free, and talk through everything. This is what you need, do not deny these feelings or think you're bad for having them. It's normal. Just needs processing in a safe environment with a counsellor. Also, give yourself credit. To still be there for yourself and your child is very brave.
Thank you for your comment. I have had talking therapies and it does help me for a while, I am currently on a waiting list. Thank you for your kind comment.
I'm sorry that such a long awaited event that you were looking forward to, has triggered such an upsetting reaction.
I had PP back in 2002 and even now when I look back I am sad that I missed out on my son's first month as I was in hospital until I got a space at the MBU. I also have a lot of gaps in my memory - my husband talked about holidays we went on that I have no memory of. I no longer feel angry about it because since I found APP I started to appreciate that I wasn't alone and there is no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes bad things just happen and we haven't done anything to deserve it and reading what you've put above about things happening for a reason, it sounds like you have a similar philosophy. Sometimes our first reaction is with our emotions and that is just your initial honest reaction to it. This has brought back a lot of what happened for you.
I remember being jealous of a friend who'd gone on to have a second baby without a care in the world. These feelings are natural and it's good that you're able to talk about your feelings on here.
Following your PP did you get chance to express your feelings and speak about your experience? When I had PP counselling was not offered to me and I think that would have been really helpful just to talk through my feelings about it all. I had not really spoken about my PP for a long time until I recently found the APP and I realised that the feelings I had about it all were all still fresh. For me talking about what happened to me and sharing my experience with other women who had been through the same illness really helped. I wasn't the only person who spent the first Christmas away from my newborn. Others had equally as difficult times, some more so and it made me feel empowered to know that we had all got through it. I still get emotional when talking or thinking about it now.
Maybe you need to think about what may help you to fully process your experience. Perhaps talking to friends and family, speaking to a counsellor or it may be enough posting on here. You can contact the APP to request a phoone call from a volunteer if you think that would be helpful.
I don't know if this has helped you in any way. I hope it has. You are not alone.
Thank you for your kind, thoughtful and helpful comment. I am sorry you missed your first Christmas, that must have been hard, also not having counselling. PP is such a major event and so much has happened to your brain that I feel assistance in understanding / addressing that helps a little.
I to have moment where I have no memory, and in those times I reach out to my mum. However it was also a tough time for her. I have been lucky to have several bouts of CBT which have all given me new tools to use. I am currently waiting for another. I have always been such a private person and written a diary in my younger years. I try to do the same now when I am low and time allows, I have also written poetry which helps me express my feelings. I also wrote a story of my experience which was hard but helped. At the moment however I can't seem to do it, I think reaching out on here is the closest I have come.
This site is so amazing, and it is so nice to know we are not alone and can freely say how we feel. It has been a great help. I have often thought a face to face group would be useful, I did recently see a webinar though which I thought about, but then at the same time am scared of delving into those memories again, and worried it may set me back.
My close family are great and have been great, however as it has been 10 years now I sort of feel they feel that it's over and all is good. Which in the whole it is, but at any point those memories can pop up.
Thank you for your time and lovely supportive comments. X
your right brain, the emotional part has kicked in full on and you are working with your emotions and in a sense journalising, which is all good and therapeutic.
It is like the grieving stages and you seem to have feelings of anger, regret and then also gratitude, - in a way processing and healing.
It has been 13 years for me since PPP and being sectioned. I have worked extremely hard to continuously recover and all your feelings and emotional turmoil sounds very familiar to me. I have BP1 and ride my waves
When reflecting on your words, I am thinking of self care/me time through therapeutic avenues, but also maybe thinking of any sort of therapy on offer via the MH team or GP.
I am very focused on my daily routine and use meditation, yoga, walks, journalising, art and Reiki as part of my feel good vibes.
I did not remember much in my first year of recovery and after 8 yrs I filled some of the gaps by reading my medical file. Still nowadays I am not sure whether it was useful or not. However, my partner has helped me throughout the years and disclosing some of the experiences we had bit by bit.
Flashbacks have followed me when stressors were creeping in, but I feel that my wounds are healing and those memories are less and less vivid. Recovery and my scar from all these traumatic experiences have changed my life completely. I am grateful for my lived experiences and very content nowadays.
Thank you. Again, another thoughtful reply which is all true.
I try my best, and I know for me alone time helps me to process, but unfortunately it is hard to get that time. I to do things to help, writing poetry, colouring, walks, etc. I have tried mediation and mindfulness which weren't as successful. I am always open to try new things and add tools to be support box.
I also recognise how far I have come and the sad memories are less and less as time goes on, but just those occasions that seem to creep up or jump out and surprise me seem to set me back.
I’m sure your post will have resonated with a lot of us here. It’s hard when we don’t react to events in the way we expect and it catches us out.
You’ve had some great replies and it’s good to hear you already have such good tools in your toolbox and are waiting for further sessions of talking therapies that have helped in the past.
Keep reaching out and talking and know all those feelings and emotions are ok and normal.
I wanted to mention APP’s UK cafe group next week (Thursday 7th December, 7.30pm) - you can read more and sign up here: eventbrite.com/e/uk-app-pee...
And do email us at app@app-network.org if you’d like to have a chat with one of us.
Thank you Jenny. I really can't express how thankful I am about the support this site and the lovely people bring.
I would love to attend the zoom but my husband is working late and my daughter would be around. I wouldn't want her hearing. Is there another one planned?
The plan is to have the UK café groups every couple of months so the next one will be in February. Dates are listed on our website when they are confirmed - app-network.org/get-help/pe... (there may be a café group in your area too, any questions just let me know).
Do get in touch if you'd like to have a chat with one of us too. I'm so glad writing here is helping, it's such a lovely community 💜
Your feelings and experiences certainly resonated with me as I’m sure it has with most of us who have experienced the devastating impact of PP. The guilt, shame, embarrassment, a whole gamut of feelings & emotions. I guess the flashbacks etc can be related to PTSD after experiencing the trauma of PP.
I was sectioned with ‘hypomania’, would you believe, 41. years ago! It was such a huge life event and I certainly lost so much confidence in myself. I remember wishing I had suffered from post natal depression as it seemed, at the time, more acceptable and recognised.
There was absolutely no support for me, just one out patient appointment with the consultant after discharge. I was in a general psychiatric ward, with my daughter for 8 weeks and ended up with depression following discharge..
Eventually I buried those feelings for years and got on with life butbcould never talk about it, even with my husband, as it was just too painful.
I found this forum quite by chance a few years ago and even now feel tearful at the impact it had on me. It was unbelievable, I could finally reveal and share those hidden feelings, it was so liberating. I hadn’t even realised that hypomania was a symptom of PP!
I will always be grateful to all those wonderful brave Mums who responded to my first tentative post and it was amazing to be able to share experiences, even for an old timer. It certainly took me a long time to come to terms with it, better late than never. Certainly there is a lot more recognition of perinatal mental health issues these days and support but I’m sure much more could be done.
I should also say I was very fortunate not to have any symptoms at all with my second child. I’m now a Gran to a 3 year old & a six months old grandson. My daughter flagged my experiences during her antenatal period which was recorded, fortunately all was well with her which was a huge relief to me.
Anyway thank you for reaching out Strawberry55 and my sincere good wishes to you and all of you on this forum. Love Vee x
Thank you for your kind words. They said I was manic but I believe like you I was hypermanic. I think it is understandable how depression and anxiety can follow such a traumatic experience.
I am so glad you managed to reach out on here, we'll don't for being brave, as it is scary.
Also I am so glad you did not have a relapse with your other children and that tour daughter was fine during her pregnancy, I bet that was such a relief.
Similar to you it has been ten years for me also and although overall a feel well recovered I still recognize the need to be vigilant when life gets stressful.
I can't help but wonder if it's worth considering having an honest chat with your cousin so he knows that you are really excited for them but at the same time there are lots of mixed emotions. I would hope they would be very understanding and supportive.
If it continues to be really difficult it might be worth considering counseling as it might give you the safe space to process what happened.
I completely understand your worries and sadness. You're so happy for others but also quite sad that their story will be different for yours.
I too was in an MBU and I completely understand why you count yourself lucky. A friend of mine was separated from her baby for four months in a general mental health ward and I really was upset upon her sharing her story with me - I met her when she was reunited with her baby in the MBU.
To cope I just try to mask the feelings and share them with my partner. It's good to someone you can trust to really open up to.
Thank you for your kind comments. Although a horrendous time I am still and will always be thankful of the mbu and appreciate others aren't so lucky.
Although I have support I just find talking so hard. For years I have kept feelings to myself ( even before PP) and the idea of sitting and telling someone all of thre things worrying me just, well, the idea of it is so hard. I don't want to feel I have to book on a time to discuss iow I feel, that's why I find counselling useful, someone to use those prompting questions to help me draw out feelings I haven't been able to articulate or process.
It is good you cam talk to your husband. Unfortunately mine things as soon as the mania went I was "fixed" and he doesn't understand anxiety/ depression so it's hard.
This has just triggered so many emotions and flashbacks I don't know what to do with it all. Ita unnerving.
I completely understand where you are coming from, the MBU is an amazing place and I agree we were very fortunate to have had that to go to in order to get better.
I agree. Opening up is hard and counselling can be great at they prompt you to get more from you - it really helps with releasing thoughts and feelings you've kept hidden.
Although I can talk to my Partner he also doesn't understand anxiety and depression - I recently went on Sertraline but it wasn't for me. Have you thought about trying medication to see if it works for you to help stabilise your mood?
Thank for your reply. The reminder that this wasn't my fault, it was my haywire brain was nice to hear.
You have said some really lovely comments and reminders that I have really appreciated thank you. I bet like me your good at giving advice but not taking your own though.
I am sorry about your experience, but as you said to me PP wasn't tour fault either. I am sorry it affected your family, but I am really proud at how you have kept going. You acknowledge your feelings and still talk them through with the help of a physciatrist.
I am one who benefites from talking and am trying to access some currently. I was also saddened I couldn't attend the group zoom as it was nice to know it would have been with people who have all experienced the same
Illness and mat share the same emotions without judgement.
So sorry to hear what you’re going through it can be incredibly difficult and knowing how to deal with these feelings that are alien to us is so difficult.
I read a lovely book called learning how to be mum and me which really resonated with me. It put some of the feelings I was going through into context and made me feel less guilty, may be worth a read.
I also find journaling my thoughts really helps me to let go.
Thank you, I am a bit too low to be able to concentrate on reading currently but thank you for the recommendation. I too journal when I can which at least helps me express some thoughts.
I’m sorry to read that you were too low to concentrate on reading currently. Suffering depression and anxiety is awful and makes some days very challenging.
It must be hard that your husband doesn’t understand your anxiety/depression. We are very good at hiding our feelings and giving the impression that we’re fine when we’re not.
As you have said, PP is not our fault (my episodes were a long time ago) and at the time we had no choice except to ‘go with it’. We had to fight to find our place again and so you should be proud that you had the courage to recover from such a traumatic experience.
I see that you are on a waiting list for talking therapy so I hope you won’t have to wait too long. Perhaps in the New Year you will have more support around you with the therapy and also the next cafe group in February which you might be able to go to? Everyone there will be so welcoming and understanding. It’s so good to talk to other mums who have had similar experiences.
Over the years I have found music a good distraction from negative thoughts .... the song “I’m still standing” by Elton John is my rebuke to PP. You might also find helpful clips on the BBC Headroom site at bbc.co.uk/headroom whether it be meditation, talking about anxiety and how to manage symptoms, music etc.
I’m sorry for rambling as it is hard to concentrate when you’re feeling low.
Thinking of you and wondering how you are. I hope you will have access to talking therapy soon. Perhaps you might also feel able to join the cafe group next month, where you will be made so very welcome and understood.
Hello Lilybeth, I have only just seen this I am so sorry. I am currently in therapy where its been suggested I am suffering from PTSD from my experience of PP and the MBU. Therefore my therapy is going down that route which is very emotional but hopefully may improve things.
Thank you so much for checking in, I hope you are well.
Never worry about replying. We are all privileged to share your experience so thanks for writing at any time.
I’m sorry it’s been suggested you are suffering from PTSD and you are in therapy. Even though it’s taking you down a very emotional route, I think it will be good for you to release all your thoughts and feelings and hopefully, as you say, may improve things.
Take good care of yourself and rest when you can. 🌻
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