It has been a very dense period for us. I started working again after covid situation my wife is working too. We went for summer trip in an island i got a home there. Very very good change.
Things seemed to go better when we where at holidays. We where alone just the three of us and we coped very well. Problems we had worked out ok not great but ok and overall we had a great time. My wife seemed more happy and our son too. She seemed to cope better there where we were alone and not having the option of help from the family. I think this got her some more self-confidence.
Anyway we are back in routine again. My wife works normally. I am once again unemployed as i am a sound engineer and business is not going well as you might have heard. Anyway this is not my biggest problem these days.
Since we got back from holidays things are deteriorating with my wife. Things she do happily and with no problem when on holidays now seem vey hard for her. She doesn't have a good connection with our son and i think she might be avoiding have too much time with him. This is my biggest problem and my worst fear except from PP to happen again... When our son cries for whatever reason she can't seem to calm him. She is just standing there still doing nothing.
I need some input here folks..
Didi any of you mother had same issues? And how long did they existed?What did you do to overcome them? And what can i do??
Thak's everybody!
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GeorgeKol
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Good to hear that you had a good family holiday recently. I’m sorry things have gone downhill since your return. I think for anyone, coming home from a relaxing break is a bit of an anticlimax. Perhaps your wife might be daunted about returning to work and coping at home?
Self doubt is very hard to overcome although your wife was managing well on holiday. It might be that she feels now she’s back home, family support is better than what she can give your son? Perhaps she feels a little inadequate if she knows you or family members can calm your son quicker?
My episodes were so long ago and I think I’ve mentioned in your previous posts that I was under mixed general psychiatric care, without my first son for six months. My issues were different in that when I eventually went home, my husband was much more able to cope with calming my son and coping, as were family. So I did feel inadequate due to my absence. For me it was a confidence issue which became easier with time.
I think you have been an amazing support to your wife, listening and reassuring her. It might be an idea to talk about why, in a way, she seems frozen, perhaps frightened when your son cries? All you can do is what you have been doing all along ... just be your understanding self. Please remember to take care of yourself too. Are you still seeing your psychologist as an outlet?
The thing is ( i forgot to mention it ) that with her doctor in every session we set a “goal” for that time. Per say one goal was to overcome her anxiety for working which she eventually did. The biggest of our goals and something that the doctor has told her many many times that she must come closer with out son, spend time with him. Quality time. That goal came from my wife telling to the doctor that she feels a bit anxious when she is alone with our son. And from what the doctor say and what i have seen my wife overcomes the issues when she confronts them. For months i was there to ease things out. But now we are at the stage where her doctor advised me to step back and let her try more. The time has passed. The doctor started to pull back on the dosage of meds and from what we saw on vacation she can do this.
I know it’s very difficult for her but i feel that she has to push a little bit more by herself now.
And i think that part of my issue is that i can’t actively push her to do this. I must leave her be and try for herself and wish for the best.. Now thats a conversation i must have with my doctor..!
Thanks for taking time to reply and explain about the doctor setting ‘goals’ for your wife. I think she did really well to reach the goal of overcoming anxiety for working as this is a huge milestone.
I think it would be good for you too to step back a little as the doctor suggested. You have done so much for your wife to be at this stage in her recovery, so you must be exhausted.
Do you think when your wife returns from work she might relax with your son when he is quiet, so if he does cry later she may not be so apprehensive about comforting him? As much as you are willing to step in, perhaps your wife would gain confidence if you were in the house but not so readily available? With your reassurance after all you have been through together I think your wife will find her place and confidence in the home.
For now it’s very important for you to build support for yourself, to take the pressure off. Please talk to your friends who offered their support before. You are holding everything together, probably not sleeping too well, worrying when your work will begin again ..... so please talk about how you feel to your doctor and try to find space in your busy days for yourself.
Wishing you all the best .... we are here for you, take care.
Hi GeorgeKol, thanks for getting in touch. I'm a volunteer at APP and I had PP myself in 2016 after the birth of my twin girls. I have also found dealing with my daughters cry difficult. It was a bit of a trigger point for me when I had psychosis, sometimes I would tip into having an episode when I was in the acute phase when I couldn't console one of my girls (who had reflux.) On the ward I used to ask a nurse to hold her for me when I reached this point.
Is it something that you could talk with her about? I sometimes still take a breather when my kids are making a lot of noise just to reset myself. How long is it since your wife was poorly? It's great that the holiday went well and a really good first step for all of you. But you're right, being back in the real world can be completely different. There can be a lot of underlying issues to work through when you've had PP (for both of you) and things can take time to return to a new 'normal.'
As a mum who had PP I definitely needed more support after and found that recovery can be a bit bumpy at times! But initially it might help to talk to her about it . Is she still taking meds? Sometimes they can affect your reaction times etc too.
Hang in there GeorgeKol, I'm sure the other ladies on here will have some helpful suggestions for you too. Take care x
I am so pleased that the holiday went well, what a perfect well deserved break for your great family of three.
I may have mentioned before that my psychotic episodes happened 2 years ago after my daughter was born. I am pleased to hear that your wife has managed a smooth return to work, and that things are going well on thaf front.
As Lilybeth and hgallo have mentioned a good approach could be to ask your wife. I remember my confidence as a mum was so eroded after ppp. I felt like a total failure, loaded with shame and guilt. As a first time mum I put myself through incredibly high expectations and for a while there I wrongly rationalised that "I had cracked under the pressure". Its a common misunderstanding for people with no previous mental health illnesses that a break of the mind is preventable while a break of the body is pot luck. I understand now that what happened to me was as preventable as being a passenger in a car accident. But it took me time to gain that.
Another thing which I don't know if it may be helpful, places were quite a trigger for me. As my worse psychotic episodes happened at home and at my in laws, it took me a while to feel at ease in those places. Now with covid things will be so different, I am sorry, but going to the park for a mums exercise class, or sitting down for a socially distant coffee with a good friend could be an idea. In some cases talking to other mums is helpful, like the sort of inane chatter about babies and kids stuff. But I also felt quite different to them having had a completely different experience in the first few months. All my mum friends have thankfully escaped any post natal mental illness, a couple have had some bad anxiety and bad pregnancies, but yeah its different.
You are being a great support to your wife through all this and know that must have made such a difference to her recovery. Continue to be so kind and patient as you are. It will come. Don't feel a pressure of your wife reaching a milestone by a certain point, every recovery journey is unique as the mums here are testimony of. With love and attention and lots of self kindness, we get there.
Wishing you a good week, and also take care of yourself, you are doing very well
I have tried to understand pp in different ways all this time so that i can partly at least be aware of whats happening to my wife. But this metaphor with the car accident you described is a very good one.
I guess as time has passed by i’m now starting to break a little bit. All these months took a toll on me and i’m feeling a little on pressure right now. This is something i try to work with my doctor out.
It is very hard GeorgeKol, I sympathise. Its OK to not feel OK all the time. But time is an amazing healer. Take it slowly one bit at a time. You are great for looking out for support and I am sure your doctor is seeing your motivation and improvement with every session.
Take care of yourself. You, your wife and your gorgeous baby are doing so well.
You have not had an easy time but you have done so well, keep going one day at a time one foot in front of another. It is the right thing to seek help.
'Just because you are struggling, doesn't mean you are failing'.
Thinking of you and hope your wife has felt more confident to spend time with your son. I think she has done really well returning to work with your support.
Have you managed to talk to your doctor or friends about how you are feeling with the pressure of your challenges? Take good care .... we are here.
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