Chat and support

[Mudgette]

Hi there, my little girl is now four. I had PPP back in 2016. I have very little support, her dad left me at 7 weeks pregnant and my family live mainly in Spain and California which is great for holidays but I crave that random popping in for a cuppa, a Sunday dinner with family, someone to pick my girl up from nursery or have her for an evening to give me a little break. I’ve done surprisingly well during lockdown even though it’s been really tough. I was putting a little book of my girl together last night and when looking at the photos she looked dead to me (I thought I’d killed her through her not having enough milk when I had PPP). I started to feel really odd and I’ve cried all afternoon today. It’s like I’m strong for so long but then just crumble at the most random things. I was probably due a meltdown as it’s been a few months haha, and also probably due on period which seems to really impact me about 2 days before? But when I say impact like literally struck with horrible thoughts, intense depression, anxiety and just question everything. Does anyone else get this with periods after PPP? I know everyone gets it to an extent but this is severe, and think it’s probably linked to having PPP and hormone regulation? I did end up asking for help last week from docs and trying to get on top of things quicker than usual so am going back on Aripriprazole after being off it since last October. Sorry for rant, could just do with a chat. Love to everyone, you’re an incredible bunch and we together have survived xxxx

[Sally_at_APP Administrator]

Hello Mudgette,

I’m sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. Life is hard enough when your family are away from you, but then lockdown has seemed to make things that little bit harder, so it is amazing that you have coped so well, so far. It is good that you recognise that you are ‘feeling odd' and something is not quite right, and so great that you have reached out to the doctors. Are you due to see them or anyone else soon? It is great if you can keep talking to the doctors and anyone else that knows you well.

I had PP in 2015 after the birth of my daughter. I did have very up and down periods afterward, often feeling anxious and depressed and sometimes feeling a bit ‘surreal’. For me, a lot was about the fear of getting ill again and overanalysing and panicking about this. I started to suffer from panic attacks, which I’d never had before. But gradually over time this got better. I spoke with the doctors too and made sure I went back to see my psychologist to talk everything through.

Do you have anyone you can talk to if you become more worried about your thoughts and feelings?

Do take care, stay strong and we are here,

Sally x

[Mudgette in reply to Sally_at_APP]

Thank you lovely. I’m a pretty tough cookie and it’s definitely up and down. I actually did far better in the first two years and thought I was so much better. I went back to a highly stressful job 3 days a week. 2 weeks after coming out of MBU met a lovely man (which was the last thing on my mind I assure you) and ended up in a relationship with him for nearly 2 years. He had a daughter full time and a son he saw a lot. It was the most ‘normal’ relationship I’d ever been in and we had the family thing absolutely nailed. We adored each other’s children, especially our girls (mine not having a dad around and his not having a mum around). Something popped up on fb the other day of us all sat down for dinner, my daughter in her high chair and his daughter making her laugh. The way they looked at each other was amazing, they were sisters and then the video panned to Evie and my ex and it was adorable. Just broke my heart that she doesn’t have anyone really but me now to love her like that. I’m missing that normality and having someone you want to share things with when you’re happy and when you’re sad. I don’t think I’ve quite gotten over it even though when we broke up I was very strong and barely cried and just focused on work and my girl. I was incredibly sad but also on a lot of medication and going through intense CAT therapy which was amazing and gave me a backbone. Just feel over the last year or so I’ve been gradually losing more of myself and with daughter starting school in September I’m terribly anxious about this new change and how I’m going to manage work, school life, pick ups and drop offs etc and having this new time for me. I’m scared that I’ve focused so much on my girl I don’t have my own real interests and dreams for myself anymore. Only working 2 days a week atm and love being with her the rest of the time although it’s hard. It’s like I can’t function on my own anymore. Sorry, my thoughts are literally spilling out of my head. I’m feeling strangely wired after feeling super low and no energy for months. I’m prone to being a massive over achiever so need to remind myself that I need to focus on small goals and not panic about the next ten years all in one go!

My friends keep letting me down. I’ve been used and abused financially. My ‘friends’ owe me about 2k and I’m struggling financially. Which just makes things worse. I’ve been supporting my friends through their hardships and relationship troubles and when I’m in need it almost like they can’t be arsed and are so selfish. I don’t know how to break away from these toxic people, especially with lockdown making it hard to meet new people.

Loves xx

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Mudgette]

Hi Mudgette,

How are you feeling today? I am sorry things are so overwhelming at the moment, sounds like a lot of memories have been triggered recently. It is a lot to process when it all comes back to you at the same time, and specially when we are living under such strange circumstances, on which you have coped amazingly, have to say.

I had pp more recently towards the end of 2018, and commenting on your first post on this thread I have noticed since the beginning of this year that my mood is very much affected the 5-6 days before my period. It starts with me having less patience, getting annoyed pretty quickly, then I start becoming more paranoid and thoughts are a bit irrational, and then for a day or two I feel quite low and have to go to the bathroom for a good cry once or twice a day. When my period arrives it's as if a switch has been passed and I feel myself again. I am not sure if it is related to having had pp or just becoming a mum or maybe it's age catching up with me :P.

I relate to much of what you say on your second post, I also tend to worry enormously about the next 5 years and by doing so I miss what is right in front of my eyes. School pick up and drop-offs while juggling work is no easy feat all on your own, do you think your workplace would be inclined to give you some flexible working hours? In terms of having time for yourself, you have said it yourself in another post as little ones get older the ability to share common things with them gets a bit easier; my daughter still prefers the wheels on the bus, but she would laugh if I play some Beastie Boys, which makes me feel more like "myself" while I am enjoying time with her, if that makes sense. But in the bigger picture I sympathise completely with what you say, yes, there is a lot of trade off involved in being a parent, priorities shift so much and it feels the most normal thing in the world to put oneself in the lowest. Having plans for yourself apart from the mum role is very healthy but finding the time to do them is quite difficult, so perhaps it is an idea to start with small goals as you mention, taking up a new hobby, something you can do at home after bedtime or maybe enrolling on some online learning?

Take good care of yourself and write here whenever you need to, sometimes venting as it goes is the best relief for me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it has helped me a lot to hear that I am not alone in my mood swings around the time of my period.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Mudgette, I hope your day is going OK - and that it helped also to get everything down here to us? I know that a "brain dump" can be really helpful to get it all out along with other things that have been mentioned here, including a good old cry! I haven't experienced anything in terms of my period but I know others have talked about this. One of the hardest things about PP and recovery is trying to find a "why", or so I found, when there isn't always an answer and more research is needed of course, plus we are all so individual too. I hope the shared experiences here are helpful to you and never hesitate to reach out if there's any further support you can access. I realise that things are difficult for so many people at the moment with the Covid-19 situation too and it's only natural this can also affect our mood. The world is a very different place at the moment.

It's really positive you have been in touch with your Doctor and got some medication to help you too. I hope you are feeling better soon, we are always here to chat. Take care, xx

[mikefff]

You certainly have some toxic relationships. You must put yourself first, you don't really have energy to give others, just your child. Wishing you all the very best your doing great.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Mudgette

I hope you are ok. I noticed that your daughter will be starting school in September and what an anxious time that will be for you.

It does take a lot to organise days around the school run although with social distancing some things have changed which are very hard for tiny tots. Try not to ask too much of yourself ... you’re working and building a happy home so be proud of yourself. Take care.