Postpartum psychosis a storm of poo

[Brokenjo]

So I had my second daughter in April this year born at 37weeks induced early due to slow growth (within 5 days of the growth scan) It was a shock to the system and from that day I became terrified.. I think that's when my story started

So she was born naturally at 5lb 11oz (I dont know the time and unless i have the red book infront of me i dont remember the date she was born either)

I am a smoker (yes frowned upon) and within 12 hours I was outside the hospital smoking and looked up upon the bright sun with my head spinning a thousand miles. My beautiful baby girl was dead in the sky, she looked so perfect. I went back upstairs and she was in the hospital cot to me she was dead but no one else could see this they was all happy? But my daughter was dead.. why did they send me home with a dead baby.. the voices started loud ringing and bouncing from every wall she was caught in limbo it's all my fault, I'm a terrible mother, I need to hurt myself she will come down from the sky and be alive. I cut myself in the bath (not that I can remember but the scars are their and my partner sure was annoyed) that's not good enough days and days go by I cant cope the voices are to critical they never stop!! They wont save her until I am dead, so I took a overdose that day I lost myself but suddenly my baby was alive again I could see her i didnt have to do it all just because it was expected I did it for her because she was real.

My partner made me go to the doctors not long afterwards who referred me to the mental health team quickly assed and passed onto perinatal medicated from home and a understanding of my condition.

I constantly have mood swings (new medication may stop this start that tomorrow) I am paranoid, agitated, depressed, anxious, confused. The voices come and go, the visual hallucinations sometimes occur. emotions are getting better day by day some days anyway..my roads not stopped but I am still fighting to survive the suicide aspect still hovers in my mind but I have to fight it I know I can be happy right?

That's a tiny bit of my story theirs alot more the arguments I've started for no reasons and the false beliefs

Prior to this storm I was had anxiety and chronic depression.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Brokenjo

I'm so glad you have reached out to the forum where you will find lots of support and understanding. So sorry to hear about the awful time you had after having your second daughter. Being sent home with so many distressing thoughts must have been awful for you.

I had PP twice, many years ago and can relate to hearing a commanding voice, delusions, hallucinations and I was also driven to similar self harm but with medication and treatment I eventually recovered. I think it's early days in your recovery from such a traumatic experience although I'm so sorry that you are still having mood swings and anxiety. Years ago I had regular visits from the Home Treatment Team and wonder if you have that option? This was after my second son was born and I had daily visits from the mental health care team.

It's such a lot to cope with and I think you need a lot of support around you, especially if you are still having suicidal ideas. I hope you have been able to speak to someone about this feeling hovering over you, perhaps the perinatal team contact? Over time I have come to terms with my attempts as being a cry for help, which is what they are as everything is so confusing at the time. It's not something you can fight without help and I hope the new medication will make a difference. I'm glad you have such a supportive partner who understands when things are not quite right.

Have you seen the PP Guides here, "Recovery from Postpartum Psychosis" and there is also a guide for partners at app-network.org/what-is-pp/...? There are also personal experiences on the page which you might find helpful. Take good care of yourself .... we are all here to listen. Sending you a virtual hug

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi brokenjo

Welcome to the forum. It’s so good you have found us. As lilybeth says it sounds like you’ve been through such an awful time. I had pp in 2011 after the birth of my son. Like you describe the delusions were so terrifying and felt so real, I too thought (among other things) that my son had died. It was so traumatic.

I am glad you are home though and getting support from a specialist perinatal mental health team. You will come through this and recover , we are all proof of this. I hope the medication and treatment will have more and more of a positive effect and that they can also offer you some counselling in time if that’s helpful.

Thinking of you, you aren’t alone, you have survived and you will come through this

Take care

Ellie x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Brokenjo

Just wondering how you have been since you posted? I hope in time you will feel the benefit of new medication when it has had time to take effect. We are all here to talk if and when you feel like it.. Take very good care of yourself.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Brokenjo

Hopefully the medication you were going to be prescribed has helped with your mood swings? I think as it has only been a few months since you suffered PP it is early days and things will get better in time.

I hope the perinatal team have been able to help you, especially with the suicidal aspect hovering in your mind at the time. I also had such thoughts and can assure you that with medical intervention and support you will eventually fully recover. Take good care.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Good evening Brokenjo,

just reading your thread. I am pleased that you have found this forum. Wishing you a warm welcome.

How are you coping? I hope you have received further professional help by now in order to receive your meds and to get appropriate care and support.

I have had PPP in 2010...it is a traumatising experience, but you will get through this.

- some wonderful mums have helped me, too and shared their experience and compassion.

You are not on your own...we are here to listen...

All in stepping stones,

take good care.

x