How to separate what seemed so real during ppp and reality

[nanstarr]

Hello...was just wondering if anyone else is having trouble with how vivid and "real"their hallucinations and delusions seemed during their psychosis...i had a lot of very traumatic hallucinations/delusions in which I thought that I was evil...no good...connected to horrific past events..or the cause of them- was catatonic for a while because I felt like if I ate drank moved etc-it would cause some sort of devastation somewhere on earth...lots more

Most days I feel normal...but struggle with how these things felt so real...and aren't my reality

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello nanstarr

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on the birth of your baby. Here you will find shared experiences .....you are definitely not alone in having trouble with flashbacks to how psychosis affected you. I had PP many years ago and the hallucinations and delusions were all very real and frightening at the time. I was very ill and during the psychosis retreated to my bed as no one believed what I was seeing or hearing! I was waiting for a Psychiatrist to visit when things spiraled out of control and I was sectioned for my own safety.

At the time there was so much stigma around mental health that I wasn't told by my family what had happened to me. I was sometimes told about my odd behaviour and it was as if I was being told about a completely different person, not 'me' at all!

Were you in a mother and baby unit in the UK? How recent was your PP episode if you don't mind me asking? If you are early into your recovery from such a traumatic illness I think the memories will be very vivid but with time will fade. It's good that most days you feel normal, I think sometimes the thoughts can get stuck and cause you to worry. It's important to realise that you had no control over the delusions/ hallucinations and what happened was not your fault. I spent years feeling shame and unfounded guilt until I had the good fortune to find APP and the caring mums here who had similar experiences.

I wonder if you have seen the PP Guide "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" at app-network.org/what-is-pp/...? On page 4 under "Coming to terms with shocking or traumatic behaviour" there are some points which might be helpful to read. There are also personal experiences on the link page. Do you have a health visitor or someone to talk to about how you feel? Try not to worry .... if it is early days for you the traumatic experience of PP will be very vivid but with support, perhaps from the Perinatal Mental Health Team who can offer help until your baby is one year, you might be given coping strategies. We are all here to listen. Take care.

[nanstarr in reply to Lilybeth]

So sorry for all you had to go through ~ sending much love your way...Thank you for sharing your story with me...can definitely relate to the guilt, shame and blame....i am in the u s and was in a mental health facility after our youngest daughter...and tried to go through it all at home with my mom helping after the birth of our son ( 2 and 3 years ago) she ended up having a manic episode with psychosis as a result ...so it was just alot for me to process.

Thanks so much for sharing the recovery link...will probably read it many times over~along with others stories... Good to feel not alone in this and so sorry for anyone that has experienced ....prayers and much love to you all

And so glad that there is hope and support here

Thanks again

[Michelle1a]

I can relate to this. My psychosis was almost a year ago but I still dwell on how real and dark the hallucinations were. I was also catatonic. I don’t remember anything in real life for about 4 days like I have no memory of my family surrounding me in the hospital, all I remember is the terrifying nightmare I was having, that I was evil I had caused horrible things to happen like the end of the world and it was all my fault. Or thinking I was in hell. It was such a horrible and scary thing to experience I don’t know if I will ever make sense of it. I know it wasn’t real but it seemed so real at the same time. But I am able to move on with my life it’s just weird knowing it’s such a rare thing and pretty much no one can relate to you in real life.

[nanstarr in reply to Michelle1a]

So sorry that you had to experience this~it is horrendous

Prayers for you and your recovery

Thanks for sharing with me

Do you have someone that you talk to about it all??

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello nanstarr

I hope you are coping with your flashbacks of vivid delusions and hallucinations during your PP. I hope you have support around you ..... perhaps talking therapy would be helpful which your GP might be able to arrange? Take care.

[nanstarr in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank You♡

Do have support from my family ~haven't really tried talk therapy...feel like my hallucinations and delusions would be too much...

My husband has heard them all and reassures me that they weren't real...its just that they seemed so real at the time it makes me question

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello nanstarr

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and what a difficult time you had. It's good that you are finding the recovery guide helpful. I was so relieved when I found APP and the forum as, like you, I realised I wasn't alone There is also "PP Soup" ....... "a nourishing mix of all things Postpartum Psychosis" at ppsoup.com.wordpress.com with lots of interesting and reassuring content.

As you are in the US I wonder if you have heard of Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net/? Apologies if this is how you found the forum. They might have support co-ordinators local to you if you think this would be helpful, although I understand what you mean about revisiting your hallucinations and delusions being too much. I hope your unfounded guilt has lifted as we had no choice at the time and it wasn't our fault.

Prayers and much love to you too. Take care good care of yourself ... we are all here for you.