It’s been a while, but wanted to share some news

[kats1988]

Hi everyone, it’s been ages since I was here last and a lot has changed.

I am doing so much better, I am no longer suicidal and I am remembering to take my meds and I am doing ok. They changed me onto a haloperidol depot injection instead of aripiprazole as that wasn’t working for the whole 4 weeks and haloperidol seems to have made a real difference. I haven’t been psychotic since October last year and I’ve been out of hospital for 6 months now which is the longest I have managed in 3 years!

I have also agreed to be friends with my ex husband. We officially got divorced on 22nd March and I am now single again. But I have agreed to be friends for the children’s sake. We are getting on so much better and he has paid for us all to go to a theme park and the zoo for the day, so I can see my children more. When I first came out of hospital I was seeing them once per fortnight, but now I see them on a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday. I have been growing my bond with my daughter and although she is a difficult child we are getting there. My son has become really attached to me and never wants me to leave and he told me he wants to come home and stay with me.

I still have supervised access but I’ve got a parenting assessment starting this month, it was supposed to start last month but the social worker has been off sick for a month, so it’s been delayed. If I pass that, which I know. I will, I can have unsupervised access and finally get them on my own! My ex husband is supporting me and is happy for me to have unsupervised access. My so. Desperately wants to stay over so hopefully in 8 aweeks time that can become a reality!

So, everything going well? Not quite. Whilst I was in hospital I was introduced to drugs, andive been addicted ever since. I finally admitted I had a problem and sought help from the local drugs and alcohol service and they are helping me. I’ve been clean for a few weeks now but it’s so hard, the cravings are intense and I’ve spent thousands of pounds on drugs. It became my coping mechanism for not seeing my children and I was using every day. I’m determined to get clean for my children as I won’t get them back if I’m on drugs, but god it’s been hard. I’ve had to cut ties with friends that do drugs and I miss the high and the invincible feeling I have when on them.

And I’m losing my home. As if losing my husband, kids, pets and job wasn’t bad enough, my house is going up for sale today. My ex husband wants his name off the mortgage and the only way to do it is to sell the house. My dad was meant to bee buying the house off me and renting it back to me but he’s changed his mind and pulled out right at the last minute. The court order said the house had to be sold by March so my ex has been lenient enough and now he’s demanding it is sold. I can never forgive my Dad for doh g this to me, he’s making me homeless just when I had started to truly recover. There is no equity in this house so I can’t affoed to rent a place and I’m on benefits so unless I can pay 6 months upfront I won’t get a private rental, and I approached the Council but they said they can’t help as I own my house. Not eligible for the council housing register even though I’m disabled and have no equity in the house.

Because of my drug addiction I am drowning in debts, I have 5 loans and 2 maxed out credit cards. I can’nt afford to buy food and have lost 5 stone just from being skint and not being able to meet my living costs. I went to the citizens advice place today and they told me to stop paying my loans and credit cards and they will speak to my creditors and try sort out a more manageable payment. I’m praahing they can help as I can’t keep living like this. I have e worked so hard to keepl paying the debts so stopping paying them is terrifying! But that’s what they’ve told me to do so I will do it.

I’m so heartbroken about the house, it’s mine and the kids home, and I’m probably going to end up in a homeless shelter and lose my kids all over again. I’ve worked tirelessly to get things to a point where I see my children most days and they come round for dinner on a Thursday which is lovely. I attend my sons swimming lessons and gymnastics club every week and he loves me being there. He’s a real mymmg’s Big and he’s been through so much I didn’t want him losing me all over again.

I genuinely thought I was getting through the depression and coming out the other side, but the house going is making my mental health much worse and I’m scared I will end up back in hospital. I don’t want that, I want to prove to everyone that I’m a good mum and should have my kids back. I’ve even been looking for a job, got 2 interviews lined up for the end of the month/early next month so I hope and pray I get one of them. Works out asi am bored staying in all day unttill I sss the kids after school. And if i aaa working I could pay back some of these loans and credit crda.

I’ve got a mental health advocate supporting me and he’s ok, a bjrr weird but he’s helping me to go to citizens advice and fill in all the paperwork I need to do.

S generally things are going well? And I’m so happy to be recovering finally. I’ve now been diagnose with schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar and I agree with the diagnosis.8’ just on venlafaxine and haloperidol now, and I’m doing good. My kids lift me when I am down and seeing them so much has really helped me to recovez I’ve had no therapy but they want to start it best Tuesday but I honestly don’t think I need it.

I’m doing my best to stay positive but the future is so uncertain and worrying. And I even have to go to the food bank tomorrow as I have )7 in my bank and no food in my house. Drugs have killed me financially. I wish i’s Never tried it.

My care coordinator left and she was brilliant and always took me out for coffee in town.’h new one only awes me for half an hour at the mh clinic and she’s always half hour late so I’m just sat there in the waiting room whjdh seems like forever! I don’t like her but hopefully when I get a full time job I won’t have to see her anymore.

.

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[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello kats1988

Good to hear from you. I'm so glad that you are doing so much better, although struggling at times. It must be such a relief to spend more time with your children, which is possibly keeping you positive while you deal with other issues.

I think having an advocate is good as he will be able to speak on your behalf. Perhaps the therapy also being offered might be good as it will give you a place to talk although you feel it's not needed? I hope your care co-ordinator recognises how much stress you feel under and can make a plan with you.

Take care.

[Hazello Volunteer]

Hi Kats1988,

So glad to hear your good news about your relationship with your ex and children.

So sorry that you're in such a stressful situation with your house. I'm sure however that if you are able to keep focused this stage won't last long.

Once you're out of your house will you have any capital from the sale to put down a deposit on a new flat or will debts prevent that? Glad to hear you're getting financial advice.

Best of luck with everything and I'll be thinking about you

Hazello x

[Ines19 Volunteer]

Hi

I am sorry to hear you are having a rough time but taking into account of what is like when we are recovering from a serious mental illness episode I would say the best things to do is to focus on the positives and work hard on the tougher issues.

Your kids. It sounds like you are great with them and they are enjoying spending time with you. This is just the beginning and it will get better. Your ex seems supportive maybe you can pop to his and spend more time with them while he goes shopping etc. while you are waiting fr a house of ur own.

Yourself. You are taking your meds, you have been better than any time before and you are getting some help from your support workers.

Your house and debts and other issues are the things you must work on now with the help of citizens advice etc. We have all been there and its not nice t be in debt. I get what u say about the house as i have just been through a divorce myself but i think in the long run its better to have something u can call ur own. New fresh start.

I hope all goes well. Keep in touch. X

[Bumblebeeee]

Have you applied for pip?x

[Chick44nzrn]

Dear Kats .what great news to hear that you’ve made terrific progress with your children and your relationship with your ex husband . To have taken a brave and difficult step in getting off the killer drugs is amazing and shows your strength of character , but yes it’s very hard with housing and other challenges to face . I lost my beautiful home in NZ years ago and I know it’s hard but in time things will look rosier and your children will be proud of you.

Haloperidol is excellent if it suits you and that’s good to know it’s helping during these tricky times . Without the extra drugs your team will be able to monitor accurately how it’s going . Keep up the good work with your children ; that’s such a solid source of love and comfort .

Your new care coordinator maybe doesn’t know you yet? Perhaps it might improve soon . I hope so.

Best of luck and believe in yourself !

Denise x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Kats

It is lovely to hear from you again, I have thought of you often and wondered how you were doing.

It sounds like you have made such amazing progress, and achieved so much: the positive relationship and contact you have built up with your children, and your ex, and also to seek help and support for your drug addiction which must so difficult.

The selling of your house, and your debts, must be so stressful and upsetting, particularly the fear of homelessness, but Kats I hope you can hold on to how far you have come and just keep trying to move forward and as you say, have your kids as your motivation in getting better and rebuilding your life. You will have difficult times ahead with your debts and housing, and battling the drug addiction, but you really can do it, as you have achieved so much already, you really are rebuilding your life.

Take care Kats, and thanks for updating us,

Ellie X

[kats1988]

Thank you all for your replies. I am struggling at the moment, my kids have gone away for 8 days and I can’t see them or speak to them for that whole time as they are staying with my es’s dad and he won’t lwt them call me. I don’t like his dad one bit and don’t trust him with my kids. I’m worried my son will hate it and want to come home.

He’s such a mymmy’s boy, he always tells me I’m his best friend and he asked if I can go round to his house every day. He told me he wants to come home and live with me so I want to make 50/50 custody a real possibility. But I have to do an 8 week parenting assessment before I can have unsupervised access *} was meant to start at the beginning of March but the social worker has gone off sick for a month so so it’s not starting until mid April. It’s very frustrating. As I just want my unsupervised access to them, my ex is supporting me having unsupervised access me social services have aid once the parenting assessment is done they will look to end their involvement with our family and let me and my ex sort out access between us, which is great news as they’ve been involved for 3 years but haven’t helped one bit. They don’t understand mental health and it’s been a nightmare, but it looks like it soon could be finally over.

In terms of my finances, there is no capital in my house wxcwpr for £0k as I had to buy my ex our doe £52kk so he took everything, and I’m left with nothing. I have 6 mans now as I had to take our anirhwe one to buy food, and 2 maxed out credit cards. I get ESA and PIP (higher rate) but my debts are double my income I just hope citizens advice can help me get it under control.

I missed my depot injection yesterday and you can really tell, I’ve been up all night with the voices. It’s horrible. Need my injection today, and luckily it works within a day or so, so the voices should go away

I’ve bwwn trying to quit the drugs for ages but I keep relapsing and binging on it. I know it’s now or never to get clean, I can’t keep living this lifestyle. It was my crutch when I was hardly seeing my kids and I needed something to help me through the day but now I have no excuse, I see the kids Monday, Wednesday, Thursday nd Sunday (all day). I even had my daughter for 11 hours last Friday and we went shopping and she had a great time. My dad supervised and he let me spend quality time with her. Our bond is really improving but she’s a difficult child as my ex has spoilt her and let’s her eat so much that she’s beconing overweight, and she’s only 3. She’s also addicted to her tablet and he lets her do whatever she wants because she’s “daddy’s princess”. Social services and the health visitor has said she’s overweight but my ex is spoiling her so when she I with me if she doesn’t get what she wants she has a mega meltdown and screams “I want daddy” which is quite hard for me to hear. But. She gives lovely kisses and cuddles and the bond is definitely getting there. With my son we couldn’t be closer, I guess cos he’s my first born and because I spent the first 22.5 years of his life just me and him.

I also gave the dog back half the time which I love as it gets me out the house and walking. I felt like I had lost everything but slowly I’m getting them back. My kids, my dog, hopefully soon i’ll Get a job. Me and my ex started talking as he found a lump of my bunnies stomach and before he took bed to the vets he brought her round to me so I could cuddle her and say goodbye, and she was put to sleep that afternoon. I was heartbroken but I’m not as upset anymore.

I just love my kids so much, I feel like seeing them 4 x a week instead of once a fortnight has really helped me, more than therapy could ever do. The therapy starts in June but hopefully i’ll Be working by then so won’t need to do it. I just want to find a home, get a job, get my kids 50-50 and get to move on from my ex.

I’m devastated about the house but there’s nothing I can do, my ex is putting it on the market and it will sell immediately as this is a sought after road, and I potentially have 6 weeks to find somewhere else to live. The prospect I terrifying.

I’m hearing voices again a bit, but I’m coping. I just hope I manage to stay off the drugs and keep improving, for my babies sake. I’m on 225mg venlafaxine and the depot injection. My psychiatrist wants me to go up to 300mg venlafaxine but I feel it is helping enough at 225mg. So I’m not sure if i’ll Take the increased dose. Next month they are doubling my depot injection to try and get on top of the voices once and for all. I missed my drug test on Wednesday as I took a sleeping pill on Tuesday night and it knocked me out so much that I slept until 4pm the next day! I’ve tried to ring my key worker to get another drugs test organised but she hasn’t respondsd, and I’m worried she will tell social services in bor engaging with the drugs service and social will not like that one bit. I’ve had to take codeine tonight for leg pain and so I can’t have a drugs test for the next 5 daya as it will be pskjrjw for opiates. I’ve had 3 clean tests so far and I’m proud of myself for doing that, if I get one positive test social services won’t let me see the kids.

Sorry for the long reply, there’s so much more I want to say but I have already written an. essay!

Hope everyone is well, I know I am feeling a tonne better than the suicidaal mess I was last year addicted to codeine and nearly dying 3 times. I have a picture of me in intensive care and whenever I am low I look at that woman on a life support machine and it makes me realise how far I’ve come and how I can’t guve up now. Xx

[kats1988]

The worst thing for me at the moment is I can’t sleep, and if I do I wake up at 4-5am and can’t get back to sleep. The psychiatrist won’t oeesceibe sleeping tablets not even promethazine as he says they are addictive and I have an addictive personality. I guess that’s true, I have become addicted to drugs very quickly. I want to stop taking them now, my kids need me more than ever. Xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear Kats

I hope it helps to let it all out. You really have done so much, like you say it is amazing how far you have come, the contact you have with your kids, and the way you are really trying to battle your demons, enagaging with the drug and alcohol service, you really should be so proud of yourself, for everything you have battled through, and the way you are slowly rebuilding your life.

Keep holding on, you really are rebuilding your life. Like you say, I am sure that within time you will be able to get the shared, unsupervised access to your children, and get a job, and sort out your housing and your debts, as long as you keep taking the medication you need, and like you say, tackling your addiction and keep reaching out and talking to all the professional support.

I wonder if this week, while your children are away, whether planning what you're going to do each day may help you? And perhaps try to do things that will help you to stay well, while you're missing your children? I'm not sure what helps you, but exercising (going for a run?), seeing any friends or family that are a positive influence for you?

I wondered too if you have ever accessed Narcotic Anonymous ukna.org/

and whether that might be a source of support for you as well? I know someone who used AA and they say that it saved their life and really supported them. It might help you to keep motivated and focused in the battle with the drugs? I see they have an online forum as well.

Take care Kats,

Ellie X