A lovely little person

[jododo]

I’m happy but also very sad. My little girl is 3 months and such a cheeky character. She likes me looking at her and talking to her so much. The thing is I don’t even remember my son at this age. And I certainly didn’t think of him as a person, just a machine for turning milk into poop. I’m so sad for the interaction and love he didn’t get. No wonder he is so anxious and volatile now. I’m holding on to the fact it’s not my fault but it’s hard. Plus I see how my parents are with him and me and I see it’s just a huge repeating cycle. I’ve had tons of therapy and I’m doing my best to break it, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

[Theo116]

Dear Jododo

Please do not be sad, you are doing your best and that is all we can do. Being a Mum is very hard. None of us here, asked to become ill but we are survivors. I hope you all have a better day to day, I will be thinking of you. Take care Marie x

[Hidden]

Hello Jododo,

please, don't be sad. Being a mum is challenging, yet extremely rewarding. My son is my purpose, my family my backbone.

I am a happy survivor, even though I can not remember my first year. Only little snapshots and flash backs! My gaps have been filled by my wonderful partner and some theoretical stuff via my medical file.

Remember everybody makes up their own perception of truth based on experiences, thus I am focusing on what is relevant for my needs and life style. I try not to judge nor do I look back too much. I am grateful that I can be here and enjoy the momentum and observing my child developing into a unique individual

I am living in the hear and now...and my boy is a truly sensitive child, so caring and kind...

Look after yourself x

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi jododo, this sounds really tough and I can really relate to a lot of what you say. When I had PP after my eldest I lost pretty much the first month of his life, I have a complete blank in my memory. The days, weeks, months following are quite a blur at times too - perhaps a mixture of lots of medication and a side effect of the ECT that I had.

When I had my 2nd child, and was lucky to stay well, I remember wondering if I was going to feel sad for those early days I had no recollection of with my eldest. At times it was sad, but I also tried to celebrate the differences - they are both very different children too and I took a huge dose of perspective and tried to be thankful as much as I could. Thankful also for the way that my eldest was cared for by MBU staff, husband and family when I couldn't and was literally not there - we were separated before making our way to MBU, but also when I was recovering, it was really hard to be "present" with him and I know others did lots that I couldn't - I will always be indebted to those that stepped in and cared for him. I knew things could have turned out a lot worse and tried to be grateful for really little things, in a way that I hadn't before, to see the perspective of PP being a massive thing but also that if we could get through that, we could do anything and worrying about the little things really wasn't worth it!

You're right, it's not your fault. I try and see it as something that I cannot change and in turn just look for the positives in - we had a really difficult start, but my eldest will always be really special to me too, partly because of that. And of course my youngest is special too, they are quite different children, and I do try and celebrate this. As the cliche goes, time really does fly - even though it doesn't always feel like it - and I now have an almost 9 year old and a youngest who is due to start school in September.

I hope you are feeling better today and are able to enjoy the time you are spending with both of your children, however that may be. We are here for you, wishing you well and sending you strength and hope for the future. Take care, xx