What else could go wrong?

[Kats88]

Sooo, after being in remission for the last 4 years, I have been told I am no longer in remission and my diagnosis of anorexia is back. I’ve tried eating, but I can’t, it makes me physically sick. It’s not deliberate, it’s a genuine problem, every time i eat I throw up. I feel sick all day and just don’t feel hungry anymore. I think it’s anxiety, but my mental health team think it’s an eating disorder. I’ve lost 2 stone in a matter of weeks. I can eat ice pops, so that’s what I’ve been surviving on. I’ve tried to explain that although I have a LOT of olanzapine weight to lose, it’s not a deliberate thing but they won’t listen. I guess my history speaks for itself (recovered twice, once at 18 and once after my son was born).

And I have had to resign from my job. They were pushing me to leave and had threatened to sack me for lack of capacity so I resigned before I got sacked. At least then I can get a reference.

And we went to court over the children and they put a barring order on me stopping me from applying for a contact order for the next two years. Which means my contact is solely up to social services and my ex husband. I saw my kids for an hour today supervised by social services and a contact centre staff member and it was absolutely heartbreaking. My son kept asking why I was poorly and what was wrong with me and I burst into tears as soon as I saw them, which didn’t look good for me.

Their speech is appalling, neither of them are where they should be and if I had custody of them I would have them both in speech therapy, but my ex husband just doesn’t care. He puts them in childcare for 50 hours a week then dumps them with my bitch of a mother for the weekends.

Speaking of my mother, I found out through the divorce proceedings that she is PAYING my ex husband £1200 a month to have my kids for one weekend a month. This is the woman who emotionally and physically abused me for 2 decades. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it because social services have fallen for her middle class “I’m so rich and amazing” act when really she’s a functioning alcoholic who doesn’t give a crap about her daughter. I haven’t spoken to her for over a year and the thought of her having my children unsupervised makes me sick.

And I’m trying to date again, as it’s been over a year, but all the men I speak to stop replying or just want sex. It’s very depressing.

And I’ve come off all my meds except my aripiprazole injection, because they won’t let me stop that one. But all the ones I had control over, I stopped. It made me manic initially then I’ve crashed into depression, and I’m sure the depression is part of my eating problems.

Could anything else go wrong at the moment? I really need some good luck, a break. I’m fed up with feeling like this. All I want is to be stable again. I never thought PP would ruin my life like this. I’m honestly not sure how I’m still coping. I often wish my overdose had been successful 😢

[Kats88]

And when I say I’ve come off all my meds, I mean my physical ones (levothyroxine, amitriptyline and omeprazole and metformin), I haven’t been on psych meds for a few weeks now, as they took me off them after my overdose. I know I’m putting my health at risk, but I am past caring.

[Hidden in reply to Kats88]

What? You were taken off levothyroxine?

[Jennyrriley]

I am really sorry to hear that, you are having a really bad time of it.

Can you go to the doctors and speak to them, you need to get back onto your meds or some thing to help your depression.

I think counselling and psychologist might help.

You are making a good start by talking about it, you sound so brave, you need to hold on and start focusing on getting yourself better.

Even if this means a shot stay in hospital.

I have been admitted twice to a mental health unit, both for PPP one start after the birth of my daughter 2013 and the second one are you later.

You can recover don’t let PP ruin your life. It is a long road to recovery but you will get there.

Please try to be positive.

Start by doing little things that make you feel better each day even if this is just going for a walk.

Slowly with the right support you will get there.

Take care, you are stronger than you think and you deserve to be happy too xxxxx

[mikefff]

Hi kats. It sounds very sad. But your kids need you. No matter how long it takes you must structure a recovery plan. Build up the contact. The kids dont care what your mum is like or what is happening they just need you. Thats your focus. Time will change quicker than u think.

[Kats88]

Thanks, I was offered an informal admission last week but I said no, because I’m actually psychotic at the moment and I know i’ll Just be so bored in hospital. Plus I always get stomach bugs in there, and I could do without that on top of everything.

I wish going for a walk made me feel better but I go as fast as I can to try and burn off calories that I haven’t even eaten. I’ve put on a lb overnight and it sent my anxiety so high I threw up about 30 seconds after standing on the scales. Not deliberately, I just got on the scales, panicked and started retching and next thing I know I’m being sick.

I already go to counselling once per week but I’ve cancelled the last few as I haven’t been able to face going.

I don’t see my psychiatrist until September now unless he decides to see me earlier, so I can’t go on meds for depression but i’ll think about going back on my physical meds.

I just want to be normal again. I’m fed up of being like this 😢 xx

[6221]

You poor poor girl do you have anybody close to you who you can trust. You really need some TLC. It is so so hard to get better when you are in a bad place. Something needs to change. Where do you live? Maybe a change of Sean would help.

Could you stay with a friend just a change may start the ball rolling.

Give yourself a break. It is not your fault you are not well. When you are not well you need to see a doctor. If they think you would be better in hospital for a short while. They are usually right. Think of it as the first step on the ladder.

Try for your on sake as well as your beautiful children who are missing being with the best person in the world for them. Only a real mum will do.

All the very very best to you. Don't give up. Break free. Good luck.

[Kats88]

I live near the bucks/Herts/beds border. I dont really have any friends after having PP, they all backed off. No one wants to be friends with the crazy one.

It’s going to be a long day, I’ve got nothing to do. I hate weekends, there is nothing to do but dwell on my thoughts. I don’t even have any family locally and I don’t talk to my mum or sisters.

I wish I could just sleep the day away. I will go for a walk to lose weight but otherwise it will just be me in bed all day. I hate waking up to days like today. Knowing I’m going to be lonely and miss my children is so hard.

I really want to avoid hospital if possible. I never sleep there and it’s so boring. I’d rather be bored at home where I’ve got air con and can lie in bed watching tv xx

[Chick44nzrn]

Dear Kats, how are you today ? Reading the replies from all the past sufferers from PPP and depression , it’s a slow road to recovery and when you are in the epicentre you can’t believe that things will get better with a plodding one foot in front of another approach , as at crisis times ( and you’ve suffered many ) a quick fix approach has been taken by your caters nurses and yourself to avert further crises.

Things like walking , listening to music, are not dramatic cures but with consistent practice you will feel better . Please don’t cancel the psychologist though I understand why you just feel like giving up a lot of the time. From my own experience after being severely depressed , with v low self esteem , doing simple tasks daily , keeping a diary, swimming regularly , talking to a few friends, things improved .

Last year I had a severe back injury and could hardly walk . Each physio appt was a pain as she assured me I’d be better after six/12 months of treatment exercises etc . I didn’t believe her at first . Now 12 months later I’m back to normal but have to exercise ( I hate it). Your recovery is very taxing for you but there are wonderful positive qualities that shine through your posts. You love your children / you have not lost the capacity to love . You are very intelligent and articulate/ keep using this.

You consider dating again /clearly you have not totally given up on love !!

Why not write these 3 things in big coloured writing ; put on the wall where you see them every day !!

Take it slowly Kats if you possibly can .

Try your best not to take precipitous action ; consider the consequences cos sometimes this seems to compound our problems . I’m sure you can recover and rebuild your life .with love Denizt

[Hidden]

Have you looked at "planning withdrawal of psychiatric drugs" on the mind website. No reply necessary,

[Hidden]

Do you think you are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder with acute stress disorder on top of the other problems? Your line about finding it hard to make friends again as no one wants to know the crazy one, is true - it is difficult to back to a normal life