I feel a bit greedy. I have two healthy beautiful girls, but I want another baby. The only trouble is that I had terrible post partum psychosis/OCD. 1 month after my baby was born, I had a terrible impulse to drop her off the stairs for no explicable reason. I had no voices and no I wasn't on drugs. I loved my baby and couldn't understand why I felt that way. Then I began to get paranoid and suffer from major intrusive thoughts about harming my child. I couldn't look down the stair case. I had to be careful with her bath bc what if I drowned her. I threw away scissors bc what if I stabbed her. I was afraid of boiling water because what if I burned her. It got so bad I told my doctor and willingly went to a psychiatric unit for a few days, weaned my daughter off breastmilk, and started taking meds. I lived separately from my baby for 3 months, visiting my boyfriend and my older daughter every day or every other day and told my boyfriend not to trust me with my baby daughter. I was fine with the older one. I went to a support group 3 times a week, then weaned off that and went to individual therapy three times a week. I went on risperadol for antipsychotic but it wasn't until about 2 months after the whole start of it, when I started taking Zoloft, that the intrusive images lessened in intensity and severity. It's been 12 months since then, I live with my girls again and have been for about 12 months, I still take meds, I still go to therapy twice a month, but it's rare to have an intrusive image now and there's no intensity or impulse associated with it, it's just a passing thought that I dismiss. My baby and I are close despite what we went through. She had to have had it hard having only half a mother for a few months and to be weaned so suddenly. I'm 35 so I'm no young chicken with plenty of child bearing years left. My boyfriend has always wanted a son. I want to have the beautiful experience with a newborn that I mostly missed the last time around. I know breastfeeding is out of the question, I would still need to be on meds, and I can get therapy, but will all I went through come back? Is it selfish of me to want another baby if it could potentionally affect my mothering capabilities with all three children? My boyfriend says it would happen again. I don't know.