Feeling very alone

Feeling very lost with life today and don't feel like my doctor is listening to me as I know I'm still not right, I don t have my daughter as my daughters father took her on my request when I was very ill, he now won't come back as promised. My life is in tatters because of this illness and I don't know what more to do. I had a second opinion and diagnosed with severe postpartum depression after PPP and now 9 months down the line I'm still suffering. My doctor doesn't completely agree with this opinion and keeps telling me I have low mood and need to be more proactive, Ive done so much more these past few weeks than I've done in a long time since being readdmitted to hospital end of June for 11 weeks. My question to the doctor is Would you ask your partner to take your daughter for a while and leave you if you have low mood..??! sorry everyone I'm just st the end of my teacher with all this and really not strong enough to go through court proceedings right now as I know I'm still unwell 😞 Has anyone else on here lost their children due to PPP/PP??

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  • Hello Beckles30

    I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling lost today .... we are all here to listen and support you. It must be so hard for you to be separated from your daughter. It's very hard to be proactive as your doctor suggests if you are feeling low in mood and even harder if you have been diagnosed with severe postpartum depression.

    It's good that you have recognised that you are not strong enough at the moment to go through court proceedings. I don't know which Council you are with but have you considered the Advocacy Service? They are independent from the NHS and Social Services and their role is to argue your case when you need them to and make sure correct procedures are followed by your Health and Social Care Services, the link being nhs.uk/Conditions/social-ca...

    You have done really well to cope with everything. Do you have family who might be able to support you at such a difficult time? I well remember feeling helpless and hopeless when I had depression and was re-admitted to hospital in times of crisis. I can't imagine how it must feel for you with the added stress of such heartache. Hopefully with medication and proper professional guidance you will eventually build your strength and be reunited with your daughter for whom you have endured so much.

    You have shown so much courage to come this far. Take really good care of yourself. It's not easy feeling lost but you're not on your own as we all understand and are here for you so please keep writing if it helps. Sending you a virtual hug :)

  • Hi Beckles30

    As Lilybeth says you're doing so well to be coping with so much, it sounds like such a difficult situation you're in. Like you, and most of us on here, I suffered from depression too and it is so debilitating. You are doing so well to be coping with everything you have to deal with right now. I am sorry to hear you're having a difficult day, and are feeling lost. This was my experience too with the depression, that I would have low days, and then better days.

    I can imagine the idea of facing court proceedings must feel overwhelming and impossible to do right now. Are you having any contact with your daughter, do you get to see her? I know it was so important for my recovery to be with my son, this must be heartbreaking for you. Is your daughter's father open at all to come to some arrangement, where your daughter can maybe be with you half the week, and him the other half? Perhaps you can stay with a family member who can support you to be with her too so it's not too overwhelming (I know I felt so overwhelmed with my son sometimes)?

    I wondered too if there are any professionals who can also help advocate / liaise with your daughter's father for you, such as a social worker, or a care co-ordinator and what kind of mental health support you have? Someone who understands that being with your daughter is essential to your recovery. Lilybeth's idea of an advocate sounds like a possible good idea?

    I'm sorry you feel the doctor isn't being empathic or doesn't understand as well, that sounds really hard.

    I can't remember if I have ever given you this link before, but I wondered if an organisation like Mind may be able to advise and help you? They have a legal helpline for example, and are obviously experienced and specialised in supporting people with mental health: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

    Take care Beckles, we are here for you, do stay in touch and write whenever you need to,

    Ellie X

  • I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. I have had PPP too and also my own mother did and my Dad seemed to think separation from her was best for me. I can only say that your daughter will always love you whatever happens and even if you don't see her for a while, she will be there for you when you are recovered. I am wishing you all the very best X

  • Hi Beckles30, I'm so sorry you had a such an awful time. I wish I could be there to Help you through this process as I know it's really hard to function and know where to start when you're not well. (I know that's what I needed when I was sick).

    Step 1. Google doctors in your area and look for a new one that specialises/is interested in mental health, or better still women's mental health. I'm in Australia but I'm assuming the system is similar in the U.K.

    Step 2. Go see the new doctor - get your meds sorted and get well - info for the old doctor; depression and PPD do not go away through extra effort on our part - he/she needs to go back to medical school and relearn some things!

    Step 3. Take good care of yourself, take meds, eat well, go talk to someone if you think this will help, try mindfulness and meditation. But basically get well - which is achievable with the right doctor.

    Step 4. Once you are stronger and feeling like your old self again I think that you will be ready to fight the next battle which is getting your child back. It will definitely be much easier once you are well and stable. Do you have some family support or friends that you can talk to about this? This is where a councillor may be useful as she will help you see the steps you need to take and also help get you to the point you are ready. I think that you were very insightful in handing your daughter to your partner as ppd can be very scary. Once he sees that you are well, stable and coping he'll be more open to negotiations. One step step a time, you can do it x

  • Hi Beccles,

    I've just seen your post and I'm wondering how you're doing and if you have any access to your daughter yet?

    I went through some tough times with my now ex during my recovery where he tried to take my daughter off me but only due to the support from my parents I was strong enough to resist. We ended up going through the courts to sort out custody and it's gotten a bit better since then (4yrs ago!).

    I would really agree that your daughter will love you no matter what and use any support you have to help you to get to spend some time with her so you aren't completely cut off.

    If you're feeling strong enough and if you're open to it there is also mediation which may help the two of you to sort out the future for your daughter with help from a third party. I would say try and avoid courts at all costs. They tend to breed hostility rather than good working relationships.

    Anyway I hope this finds you ok and not so alone. Shout me if I can help with anything....

    Warm wishes,

    Amy

  • Hi Amy thank you for your helpful response, I did try mediation but they said it was too complicated and would need to go through the courts. I haven't seen my daughter for 3 weeks now which I'm finding very hard, hopefully all being well I'm seeing her next Saturday for the day. I'm still feeling quite alone as having to live life in my home without my daughter and partner which I find really tough. I'm still not feeling right but had my meds increased so just praying tht helps me, I've lost all self esteem and confidence due to this illness and fighting to get it back but just doesn't seem to come naturally! I'm really pushing myself to do things to take my mind of the horrible situation but again it's tough! I've now had this depression for 9 months and it's crippling me 😪 I just want to be back to my old self again one day!

    The suicidal thoughts are still strong and I just can't handle living life without my daughter and her dad, it's like living a bad dream at the moment.

    Thank you for your support xxx

  • Hello Beckles30

    Good to hear from you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Your situation is so heartbreaking and I can't imagine how you must feel being apart from your daughter, although during my first PP I was separated from my son for six months due to being in hospitals where there was no provision for babies. Do you have support from your care team? I found it very hard returning to routine at home after being in hospital.

    PP did knock my self esteem and it took a while for me to believe in myself again. If the mediation process is too complicated, do you think the Advocacy Service might be helpful for you which I mentioned earlier?

    I hope the change in medication will make a difference. Have you asked the psychiatrist if he will reconsider a referral to Prof Jones at APP's Second Opinion Service if you are still having suicidal thoughts? Finding the right balance of medication and treatment can take time. I think I mentioned previously that I had ECT and medication and wonder if your psychiatrist has thought any more about this? Trying to cope with recovery and depression is very tough. I also had what seemed like an endless depression for a year or more after PP with my second son.

    It must be so hard for you to stay positive. I hope the thought of seeing your daughter next Saturday will get you through the days in between. Take really good care of yourself .... with good medical care and support you will eventually recover from PP. In the meantime please write here to let us know how you are when you have time.

    Thinking of you ........ xxx

  • Thank you lilybeth, I haven't tried advocacy yet but tbh I'm stuck now...I asked to be referred to a perinatal specialist but my psychiatrist says it's too late and refuses to refer me to anyone. My psychiatrist said if I go above them and get referred to specialist then they will no longer support me. I asked about ECT and he said unless I'm not eating and drinking it wouldn't be considered. Just feel like I'm gonna be like this forever and never gonna be back with my daughter 😪 I've lost my passion for children and everything I liked it's so frustrating I'm just like a completely different person and I do t like this person I've become it's not me! I have no confidence or self esteem and trying to go out and do stuff to distract myself and improve my well being but just constantly feel suicidal and don't want to be this person or live this life.

  • Hello Beckles30

    I can understand how hard it is when you feel depressed that everything is such an effort. I think you need a lot of support around you and wondered if Rethink Mental Health might be able to offer support which has been mentioned on the forum previously? They offer an online webchat between 10.00 a.m. - 1.00 p.m. Monday to Friday, the link being rethink.org/about-us/our-me.... Apologies if you already have this info.

    Try not to worry, although it's not easy. Your motherly instinct has been crushed by all that you have been through but it will surface again as you slowly recover. I was a completely different person during PP and depression and couldn't lift myself no matter how much I wanted to. I also had suicidal thoughts and it took me a while to regain my place and rebuild my confidence.

    Is it possible that your mother-in-law could mediate as I'm sure she would want what's best for her grandaughter? Ellie has made some good suggestions about access. Perhaps when you feel a little stronger you could contact the Advocacy Service, just as an extra support for yourself. Do you have a friend to meet for coffee just to share how you're feeling? Have you been offered CBT by your care team just to talk openly with someone about your thoughts and feelings? It might be really helpful to release all the tension you're feeling.

    We're all here for you so please take good care of yourself and keep in touch.

  • Hi Beckles

    I'm so sorry that things continue to be tough. You are in such a difficult situation, it is heart breaking to hear it, you are having to cope with so much.

    I suffered from depression after the PP episode, and I had zero confidence or self esteem, especially in relation to my son. Me and my partner did manage to stay together (though it was SO hard), and I struggled daily to feel like I was a good enough mum, and I wasn't separated from him, as you are at the moment with your daughter. All your feelings and everything you are going through are NORMAL for depression after PP, and you are doing so amazing, given the situation, to keep fighting the horrible feelings and like you say trying to do things that help your well being. Are you having any counselling, or seeing a mental health nurse regularly to talk through how you are, and helping you to think of ways you can recover?

    I felt like a completely different person, not me, and thought I would never get back to being me, just like you describe. I felt so much grief for the person I used to be, but I recovered, and became fully myself again. You will too... the real you is still there.

    I found planning my days helped, trying to incorporate things I enjoyed and that would help my wellbeing, but also just planning the day in terms of household tasks too. It helped me to feel I'd achieved something, even small tasks like washing up.

    I also had a list of things that made me feel a bit better, or I know in the past made me feel better, and I tried to force myself to do them as much as I could. For me it was things like swimming, meditation / prayer, going for a walk, art. Sometimes I would have to force myself to do any of these things, but each time I did I tried to tell myself that it was one step closer to winning the fight against the depression. It was SO hard though to do it some days, other days were better so I know how hard it is to fight it but I found slowly the days got better...

    In terms of access to your daughter, is there any way that your daughter could come and stay with you regularly in your home (at least a couple of days a week?) and that a family member (your mum?) or close friend could come and stay with you during that time, just to help you look after her, and be with you, just to slowly build up your confidence? Or you could stay with your mum / close friend if easier and your daughter stays with you? Would your partner be open to discussing that? It might just help you to have that extra support, but still see your daughter?

    Sorry for writing so much, do take or leave what I've written... I really hope it goes well on Saturday when you see her. I am thinking of you a lot. X

  • Lilybeth may I ask what lead you to having ECT?

  • Yes, of course Beckles.

    With my first son, PP hit me a week after he was born and I was depressed and not communicating. I was having frightening delusions and attempted self harm so I was sectioned to mixed general psychiatric care without my son. As I recovered it became clear that I was actively suicidal and harboured paranoid delusions. At the time I had seven ECT's and after the sixth my mood lifted. After a day or two I required more ECT as I was still quite depressed and retarded.

    With my second son, six years later, I was at home and my husband recognised similar problems to my first PP. I was sectioned at first and then mainly treated at home. Again I was having frightening delusions. I was admitted as an outpatient for ECT in times of crisis as I was actively suicidal. My second son was born in July and in December of the same year I relapsed and had a recurrence of PP and was an inpatient at a different mixed psychiatric unit as we had moved home. On admission I was very depressed and unable to cope and had six ECT's. In March the following year I was in and out of various psychiatric units and received more ECT.

    In summary I think ECT was more effective in treating my suicidal thoughts than medication at times, although I did have medication as well. I think I mentioned that the depression with my second son lasted a year or more. My challenging behaviour was very out of character and, like you, I didn't recognise myself.

    It must be very hard for you to hear that you will fully recover when you are feeling so low now as you have so much more than PP to think about. Is there anyone who can be with you at home to bounce ideas off? Try to build support around you to keep you safe. Perhaps even visiting your GP in between appointments with your psychiatrist just to keep him updated and ask for his input?

    I was thinking of you and wondered if you had read the Sandra King verse, i.e.

    "Be like the single blade of grass, for she too has been trampled on, mowed down and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she has had to shut down to survive....... Yet still she stands upright with dignity, knowing that she still endures, and still she dances with the wind."

    Take care, we are all with you ...... xx

  • Thank you lilybeth 😊 Xx

  • You're more than welcome Beckles ...... stay safe and please keep in touch if we can help :) Xx

  • Yes, me too. I am thinking of you Beckles!

    ...and thank you Lilybeth for these pressures, beautiful and deep-rooted words.

    x

  • Hello Beckles30

    Thinking of you and hope you are ok.

    It's not easy for you so take care and stay safe. xx

  • Hi Lilybeth

    I'm still here hanging by a thread still struggling on, I'm not myself and maybe never will be again thanks to this horrible illness, I hate the person I've become and just want to be the old me again but not sure I can go on much more like this tbh. I'm without my daughter and my day to day consists of nothing unless I really push myself and meet friends and try to do stuff but nothing comes naturally anymore, I feel like I died a long time ago and now I'm just left with the shell of what waS once me. No one seems to be able to help me when it comes to mental health services, I'm just stuck existing for my mum and daughter but not living at all 😪.....Sorry!

  • Hi Beckles30

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. So sorry to hear you're still struggling. If its any comfort I can remember feeling exactly as you do as I didn't recognise the person I'd become and every day, for a long time, was a struggle.

    It's good that you are meeting friends although its hard for you. Have you chatted with them about how low you feel to see if they can support and get help for you? I know when you feel helpless and hopeless it's so difficult to motivate yourself but I think if you can find that inner strength and find support you will find your way.

    Perhaps when you're feeling a little stronger you could contact Mind? I've looked up that they have an info line at info@mind.org.uk (0300 123 3393). They also have a legal line which might be helpful, the link being legal@mind.org.uk (0300 466 6463), both open Monday - Friday 9.00 am - 6.00 pm. Is it possible your mum can help access services if you're not feeling up to it? Can you approach your GP for advice or perhaps a medication review?

    I can't imagine how broken you must be without your daughter. I think you need a lot of support to help you through your recovery and then you might feel able to look forward to happier times with your daughter.

    We are all privileged that you have been so open in sharing how you honestly feel so please keep writing here if it helps. All I can do is send you a virtual hug :) and hope some of this has helped. Stay safe and take good care. xxx

  • Thank you for your kindness & support lilybeth xxx

  • You're always very welcome here Beckles. Thinking of you. xxx

  • We are all thinking of you so much Beckles and sending you so much (useless I know!) moral support. Come on here whenever you need to - you are never alone. Lots of love and hugs xx

  • Me, too Beckles. I am thinking of you. Just wanting you to know that the forum and individuals are listening. Sending you love and kindness,

    bye for now

    x

  • Thank you all (lilybeth,Kat,Jasa) for your kind words, advice and support xxx

  • We're all here to lean on if you need us Beckles.

    Take care. xxx

  • Hello Beckles30

    I hope you are ok and have found support for yourself as you are coping with so much.

    Thinking of you .... take care. xx

  • Me, too dear Beckles30. Thinking of you and wishing you well,

    x

  • Thank you guys saw my daughter yesterday which made me 😊 Also had a slight change in mood this week so I hope that means I'm turning a corner as been feeling a little bit better since Wednesday. I hope your all well and you've had a good weekend xx

  • Wow Beckles, that's such good news .... I'm really happy that you've been able to see your daughter :) I hope you continue to feel a little bit better each day ..... no pressure.

    Thank you for your good wishes. Take really good care of yourself, you're a great mum. xx

  • Dear beckles this is lovely to hear that you saw your daughter and that this went well... and so good to hear you’ve had a bit more of a positive days since Wednesday. I am in awe of everything you are dealing with and you are continuing to fight to get well, you are an amazing mum ... thinking of you and hope you continue to have better days xx

  • Hello Beckles30

    Just wondering how you have been since you last posted? I hope you are ok and feeling a little better.

    Thinking of you ..... take care. xx

  • Hi Lilybeth

    I'm ok thank you, feeling a little better but just really struggling with low self esteem and 0 confidence when it comes to looking after my daughter....can you really get bk to your old self after everything that's happened...I just hold onto hope at the moment....hope that things will improve in time. It's so upsetting! 😪

  • Hello Beckles30

    I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with low self esteem and 0 confidence. I think we can all relate to those feelings as being a new mum isn't easy .... on top of trying to recover from such a traumatic illness and cope with routine.

    It's not easy but try not to put pressure on yourself. Is it possible you could talk to your mum or a friend about how you feel so that your thoughts don't build up into negative feelings? If you can give yourself time you really will be back to your old self.

    I'm sure your daughter is just delighted to be with you. You're a great mum going through so much for her. Please hold on to the hope that you have ....... we are all here to support you.

    Take good care of yourself

  • Thank you Lilybeth, I have a counselor now which is helpful & someone neutral I can talk to. also Kat G has put me in touch with a lovely lady who has been a huge help too!

    Thank you for your kind supportive advice it's much appreciated!

    Beckles 30 x

  • Hello Beckles30

    I'm so happy that you now have a counselor to talk to and KatG has been supportive by putting you in touch with a lovely lady. It makes all the difference to be listened to and helped doesn't it?

    Take good care of yourself .... we are all here to lean on :)

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