Guilt

[Nicolaba]

I had ppp last year and am still in recovery. I have started to see a psychologist and we have been talking a lot about the guilt I feel about everything I missed out on in the early days of my babies life and that my husband and mum had to do the nightfeeds as I was told to sleep whilst in the mbu and for some time when I returned home.

I just wondered what other peoples experiences of medication at night is and if you too had to hand over the night care?

It made me feel so useless and I still remember how tired my husband was doing the night care and going to work everyday.

I still think my husband has some resentment for this too.

Have any mums had similar experiences? I'd love to hear from you

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Nicolaba,

Welcome to the forum where you will find lots of support and shared experiences. I think most of us can relate to missing out on the early days of our children's lives .... with my first episode I missed my son's first Christmas and when PP struck a second time I missed my second son's very early days.

My episodes were a long time ago and I also depended on my husband and family to share the night feeds in hospital and when I eventually returned home. As time has passed and since sharing experiences on the forum I have realised that although I felt very sad that I wasn't with my sons in their early days, it wasn't my fault ..... I had no choice just as you had no choice. I carried unfounded guilt for years as I wasn't aware of my diagnosis but as soon as my diagnosis was confirmed by Prof Jones and some of the APP team I felt a huge weight had lifted. Also with the shared experiences here you will find that you're not alone.

Perhaps if you share how you feel with your husband it will give him an opportunity to talk about how he feels. I don't think we appreciate how much our husbands /partners / family must have gone through to see us so poorly as they were trying to keep things together.

I'm glad you have support from a Psychologist to talk things over. Take care of yourself. There will be other mums here to share their more recent experiences with you.

We are all here for you .....

[GorillaMumma]

Hi Nicolaba

I had to give up night feeds too but don't feel any guilt about this -it wasnt my decision but was the right judement call for my family. I too feel sadness about the loss of enjoyment of my baby's early days but with time this feels less raw.

Wish you well

Gmumma

[Arabella-]

Hi Nicolaba, I had PP about five months after giving birth. My husband and I were very lucky in that our daughter slept through from three months. Before then, I used to sleep from 7-12 and my husband cared for our daughter and then I did the rest of the day.

Please don't beat yourself up, you didn't ask to be ill. Easier said than done I know.

My husband is scarred by how ill I became and will be open about it. We are currently trying for our second child, so there is a risk of more PP to come which is daunting, but it won't stop us!

Hope you have a good weekend xx

[Nara1]

My partner does the night feeds for my baby too, it is the best idea as lack of sleep was a huge part of my illness. Just think of how much harder it would be for you all if your illness was set back from lack of sleep and try not to feel guilty for doing something to help the situation, although I know that's hard sometimes.

[Revans86 Volunteer]

Hi!

How amazing to read your message. I too have terrible guilt about things I wasn't able to do. My husband also did (still does nine months on) the majority of the night feeds for our little one. When you're seriously ill, and prescribed sleep, which I was, its so important to listen!

It's what got me home more swiftly from the MBU.

I've talked to my husband about it all, and we have shared how we've both felt at different times. I think that it's so important to. PP affects the whole family, just in many different ways.

Take care. Xxx

[suzannah0]

For my second baby I got ppp 2 weeks after baby. My night care w a s the same as any other parent without ppp. Husband helped but I felt guilty about this, part of recovery I guess. I was on split dose day and nright medicine 1 mg am 2mg pm. Now I'm on 3mg risperidone at night for two weeks, soon to 2mg. Husband helped with nappy fully one night so it has affected (but I have iron deficiency at moment too). Chat to your medical team are your concerns, they helped with mine

[suzannah0 in reply to suzannah0]

For my first I had to hand over night care. And give up breast feeding. I found that really really hard. The hospital didn't help enough. telling the hospital my anger approx 1 year after the event Having a more positive experience with second baby really helped.

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Hi Nicolaba,

Yes I can definitely relate to that - I felt incredibly guilty for not being able to look after my daughter at the beginning and had to hand over night care. It is very difficult isn't it?

It's good that you are discussing this with your psychologist and hopefully will help with your recovery. It was something I discussed with my psychologist alot and helped me overcome the guilt, and that sense of loss of the beginning stages.

I have come to terms with it now - I was ill and that was what was best for our family so I could get better. I think I expected too much of myself at the beginning, sometimes we need to give ourselves time to heal. I also look at the relationship my daughter has with my husband and it's wonderful - this bonding at night would have helped create it. I am sure you did all you can in what was a really difficult time, so try not to be hard on yourself.

Sorry to hear you think your husband has resentment too, is it something you can talk about? PP can be really hard for partners too.

We are here for you if you need to talk more. Xx