Illness sucks

[Bumblebeeee]

Hi sorry just having a moan. Why did we have to get ill after having our babies? It’s so unfair! I was looking back at photos from when she was born, as she’s turning 2 next month! And it makes me feel sad. I would love to have a baby but I wouldn’t because I know I would get I’ll again. And I can’t go through it all again. I’m just so sad. Why couldn’t I stay in that lovely bubble when she was born? Everything was so magical and perfect when she was born. Why did it all have to go so wrong after and my brain became so delusional. I would love to have a baby and enjoy all the time after. Not be standing in the window waiting for the funeral directors to come and get me! It’s so unfair 😩

[Frankieb Volunteer]

Hi there

I remember feeking exactly like this. I had PP in 2004 and then 2007.

I remember thinking the hurt, loss and pain would never go away.

What I can tell you is that it lessens, becomes less important.

When you see your child grow, talk, make all those milestones it starts to heal you.

Now for me, 16 years on from the first time, I can talk about it fairly freely.

I get a nice feeling when I can come here or talk at meeting or events to try and raise awareness.

I promise you, you can get through

I promise we will help you all we can because we understand

Don't feel alone, don't feel you need to apologise for your thoughts.

It will be easier

I never believed it, but it's TRUE

Xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Bumblebeeee

Good to hear from you .... having a moan is good to get your thoughts out into the open I'm sorry you're so sad. I think we have all wondered why. Like many here I had never had a mental illness. I was so happy in my pregnancies and for the first weeks after my sons were born.

I think it is unfair but on the other hand it gives us a unique insight into mental health. In some ways we are drawn to helping others, just like you have here with your inspiring verses and replies. Also your recent thoughts about working in a mother and baby unit in the future where you will have great empathy with mums as you know first hand how they feel. That's an unexpected 'gift' .....

What a lovely age your daughter is, coming up to 2 next month, such good company even in such a worrying time! I am so much older and can assure you there are lots of happy memories yet to be made which will far outweigh your years of sadness.

Please don't think about waiting for funeral directors to come .... you have so much to give and I think you just need to believe in yourself and find your confidence. When you think about it, two years on from such an awful illness isn't long although I know the effects seem never ending.

I hope you will be able to celebrate your daughter's birthday .... despite all the ups and downs of such an awful trauma, as Elton John said, we are all 'still standing'. It's not easy looking back especially with birthdays triggering memories but you are an amazing mum so please be kind to yourself. Take care ..... thinking of you.

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi sorry prob didn’t make sense in my post, but the bit about the funeral directors was about when I was I’ll. I used to stand in the window for hours watching them over the road thinking I was going in there. Was all very delusional at the time x

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Bumblebeeee]

Sorry I misunderstood Bumblebeeee ..... I remember my delusions being very dark at times. I hope you are having a better day today. Take care. x

[Teresa_K_S Volunteer]

Hi Bumblebeeee,

Illness really does suck. I can't look at photos and videos of that time. You won't be alone with how you feel on the anniversary of your daughters birthday. But as others have said that pain will disappear and happy memories will replace it.

My middle child, my daughter, is 16 now and she is a lovely friend as well as a daughter. You have much to give from all that you have experienced. Just allow yourself time. I was diagnosed with bipolar after PP and it has taken such a long time to learn to manage this illness. It hasn't stopped me achieving the things I wanted to but it has meant I have had to learn look after myself and treat myself with kindness. One day when you tell your daughter what happened to you, when she was born, she is going to be the proudest daughter for having such a strong and caring mum

Keep Strong

T x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Bumblebeeee,

I agree its good to vent, and I think everyone here understands where you are coming from. I also had my daughter and pp in 2018, she is a bit younger born in September.

I also feel robbed of the experience of the first months of my daughter's life, and the trauma that pp was.

Your posts here are so beautiful, like when you shared the picture of you and your daughter sleeping holding hands. It shows how having gone through one of the most difficult starts, the love between you and your daughter grows and strenghtens every day.

I agree with Lilybeth, this experience has given me an increased insight on mental health and a great deal more of self awareness. Those I feel are quite valuable tools.

We have just enjoyed a small part of what our daughters lifes will be, more fun is yet to come. Take good care and be kind to yourself

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you. I just feel so guilty at times, I still can’t remember what time she was born or how much she weighed. My memories still awful. Even when I look at the photons to remember these things, I seem to forget again by the next day. I really want to get a picture or something made with all the details on so I can look at it every day x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Bumblebeeee]

Oh my dear, don't be hard on yourself. It is your wish to be so much for your daughter that makes you bring up such high expectations. Like somebody has said here in the forum, would you feel guilty about having been in a terrible accident or suffering from a grave physical illness? What we endured after our little ones births was not our fault or anyone else's, so how can we feel guilty about it?

Your daughter will be proud of you for having such a caring and compassionate mother. But compassion has to start with one self. Be kind to yourself, pat yourself in the back when you have had a good day, because you have endured a lot and you are still there fighting it everyday.

That is such a lovely idea for a project, Bumblebeeee. It would be amazing as something that grows over the years as more gorgeous new memories of your family make it into it.

Take good care, I hope that the weather is nice today wherever you live and that you can do something you really enjoy this weekend.

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you. It’s my husbands birthday tomorrow so I have made him a cake today and me and the girls blew up lots of balloons ready for the morning. It’s made me realise how much better I am, as I’m actually looking forward to it tomorrow. I haven’t looked forward to anything for so long and just been stuck in a bad place of not enjoying anything. I think I’m finally finding my way out of this dark tunnel ❤️

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Bumblebeeee]

How fun! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, enjoy it lots!!

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Bumblebeeee]

What a great surprise for your husband on his birthday! So glad that today will be one of those unforgettable memories made. You're amazing ❤️

[Bumblebeeee]

Thank you everyone. Just needed a moan I think. Was having a ‘why me’ day x

[Bellebenbow]

I’m still poorly and reading the replies your post generated has been a comfort to me. You started a discussion that I really needed to read so thank you for having a moan x

[Bumblebeeee in reply to Bellebenbow]

I hope you feel better soon. I was having a moan lol but it really does get better. I’m in such a better place now than I was 2 years ago. Just remember, every day is a day closer to recovery ❤️