Losing my child after suffering from Postpartum

[Giomommy]

I was diagnosed with bipolar at a young age, and raised in foster care. I aged out at 18 being unsuccessful at living in my first apartment on my own I went back to live with my bio mother. Despite the fact we don't get along, my mother is always there for her children when needed. At 19 I got pregnant with my first child and did great off of my medication durning my pregnancy. I had a full term healthy beautiful baby boy. Whom I named Giovonni. He was the best thing that's ever happened to me. After returning home from the hospital I started having symptoms of panic attacks and mood swings. I made a appointment right away with my mental health provider and reached out for help. Unfortunately they didn't understand how quickly I needed help and my symptoms progressed within a week or so. One night I went for a drive to meet up with a friend and brought Gio along. I made it to the ER seeking help for my mental health and made a decision to place my child in protective custody to keep him safe and get the proper help I needed. It took 6 months before I got any stability back. Lost momentum in my case plan for the return of my son. And almost 2 yrs. Later after a lot of hard work and heart ache the state has chose to file permenant custody of my child. I have no real lawyer money and my public defender on my case is not the best. And to put more icing on my cake I'm currently pregnant with my second child. If I stay in my hometown and fight for custody in a trial against the state. My lawyer feels I am likely to loss and also have the risk of them removing my second baby right out of the hospital. As a very young woman who has been through one tragic loss or another. I really wanna start to experience joy and stability in my life for once. I have a tremendous amount of gulit as a mother who will not be apart of my sons life. It breaks my heart, but it was never because I didn't want to be, my main focus has always been on what is best for him and keeping him safe. I have made arrangements for me and my new baby to stay united. And I also am very proactive in preventing any future episodes of mental instability. I am not perfect, but I am a good person. Who loves her children. I hope my story may help someone going through similar situations and I pray that as a woman. You never stop receiving a chance or opportunity to grow, learn, love, or help someone or yourself. God bless ❤👣💔

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Giomommy

Welcome to the forum and thank you for writing your story here. I'm so sorry that you have had such a difficult time with your first child, that has resulted in your being separated. That is heartbreaking, but none of it was your fault, it sounds like you were ill and needed support. It's so good that you are working hard to have a positive life for yourself, that is really strong and courageous, like you say you want some joy and stability now. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I do hope that it goes well.

Were you diagnosed with postpartum psychosis? I was psychotic very acutely and suddenly when my son was three days old, usually symptoms do happen very quickly and acutely within the first 2 weeks of giving birth. As I'm sure you know you are at risk of postpartum psychosis if you have a bipolar diagnosis.

You may find our guides helpful - there is a guide for pregnancy if you are at risk of PP which should have lots of useful info in it, and a recovery guide. Information here: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

Do you have some good professional mental health support? Are you in the UK or another country?

Take care.