Aversion to baby

[Bindy7]

I wonder if anyone has had pychosis that manifested in terror around the baby. In my case I was terrified of the baby. Could barely be near her and was absolutely terrified to be alone with her. I was not sleeping and had a belief that she had ruined my life and that I was trapped. I had severe panic attacks, and was throwing up constantly, I. Addition to a very severe depression that made me barely able to function. I live in the us so getting care was difficult and expensive. I had to be separated from my baby for several months. Just curious if anyone had this experience of not being able to be near baby. I also had visions of her in the future and they scared me, even though they shouldn't have. Imagined her walking, crawling etc. Anyone, just wondered. I feel quite alone even just experiencing pychosis, never met anyone who had this. This was my third baby, so it was all very strange.

[BronSyd]

Hi Bindy,

Sorry to hear that you had such a rough time. It must have been awful to be separated for such a long time. I was lucky only to be separated (although was still able to see him) for a couple of weeks while I was in hospital.

The aversion you describe is fairly common. I'm not sure I really even thought much about my son as a person during my PP. I was so self-absorbed. I think I just saw him as a problem to solve. Be it sleep, feeding or possible health problems that he might get. He became part of my obsession with patterns early on and then turned to being part of my religious fantasies. So he was either the son of god or perhaps the devil. It's all a rather confusing time isn't it.

How old is your 3rd child now? I find the further I get from the experience and the more I share with others that I become more philosophical about the whole experience.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello bindy7,

I just read your post and I wondered if you had come across Eve Canavan's blog - smalltimemum1.wordpress.com/

Eve suffered from PP and writes very well about the fear of her son and anxiety she suffered. It might be helpful / of interest...

Very best wishes, J x

[Bindy7]

Thank you. I did read Eve's story in buzz feed. Yes Bronsyd, I had obsessions too, about her sleep etc. when she would walk. It was not logical. Plus I was alternating between Catalonia and mania, so i was also self absorbed..

[38andTTC]

Hi Bindy7, appreciate this post is very old now but on the off chance you read this, I wondered how this affected your relationship with your baby and how you were able to move past it?

I too suffered aversion to my baby, which manifested itself during pregnancy in the form of severe OCD with psychotic features. It was terrifying and while the worst is now behind me, I’m still bothered by excessive monitoring of my thoughts and feelings towards my baby. I’m having CBT therapy, am on Escitalopram and Olanzapine and hope one day to put this behind me. But just wondering if there’s anything else I should try?