Feeling hopeless

[ChristinaO777]

Hi there, I almost died due to complications giving birth and it took a toll on me emotionally. I ended up on additive sleeping medications and that led to a downward spiral of fear and I ended up in a mental institute. It's been eight months and my symptoms have not improved. They want to hospitalize me again. I am very sensitive to medications and have tried all kinds and end up not being able to take them because of the side affects. My fear induced pychosis episodes are very scary. My mom has had to move in to take care of the children. I can't hold it even look at my baby and my three year old daughter tells me she is afraid of me. My heart is broken and I'm really afraid and discouraged.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Christina

I'm so sorry you are feeling really afraid but please don't despair as we are all here for you.

It's good to know you have your mom for support. There's no shame in reaching out to those around us for help. Years ago following my first PP I moved in with my parents for a while. It's a shame the medical team haven't yet found a medication to suit you. Is it a mother and baby unit they are offering? Perhaps that might be a good idea for you at the moment ...... taking time out for yourself to really heal after all the trauma you have experienced?

There is always hope, Christina, and eventually with the right professional care and good family support you will get through this difficult time and fully recover.

Take very good care of yourself. Please keep in touch if you can.

[ChristinaO777 in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you so much! Being on this site is the first time I have ever heard of a mother and baby unit. I was put in the hospital with out my baby and after a week they told me to pack up and to go home. I told them I wasn't ready to leave and they said that there was no reason for them to keep me under 24 hour care. As soon as I got home I had thoughts of killing my baby and myself. It's been quite a battle. My whole family was killed with the exception of my mom and as tuff as that was this is 100 times worse. My husband who is my rock has broke out in shingles at the age of 41 due to all the stress. I just want this nightmare to be over

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Hi Christina - I really feel for you! Don't despair and don't give up. I'm guessing you might be in the US? I realise how hard it can be to access appropriate healthcare there but keep pushing. Have you been in touch with Postpartum Progress? They are a great non profit organisation, who can support you and point you towards local groups and services.

Good luck! Kx

[ChristinaO777 in reply to Kat_at_APP]

Thanks for replying and for the info. No I have never heard of that organization. I will look them up. Thank you and God bless

[jessieh APP]

Hi Christina,

I'm glad that you've found this space. I've found it very helpful to read in my recovery and I hope you will too. We are all here for you.

I remember how afraid I felt when I had psychosis, it took a while for the doctors to work out which medication worked best for me and my mum did a lot of caring for me and my little boy.

I hope you find the right medication that works for you soon, keep asking for support.

Love Jessie X

[ChristinaO777 in reply to jessieh]

Thank you so much

God bless you😊

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Christina

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Are you in the UK? We do have mother and baby units here in the UK so I just wondered whether you live abroad. The hospital care you have received seems very poor not recognising how ill you were.

I'm so sorry to hear about your family, that must be so heart breaking on its own without PP to struggle with. I think it's probably more of an ordeal for you at the moment because as you say, your fear induced psychosis is very scary. I know how frightening that is because it's very hard to explain to other people who can't understand our behaviour and we can't control the thoughts in our head.

I was sectioned to general psychiatric care twice following PP and slowly began to recover. It's very hard for you at the moment to see light in the darkness but it is there. I'm sorry your husband is unwell, hopefully he has medication to help him recover. It's a very anxious time for everyone ....... and as you describe "a nightmare" for you right now but with the right medical care and interventions the thoughts in your head will fade and you will eventually be well. I'm sure your mom will be there to ask for help if you are not strong enough to do this yourself.

Take very good care. Please keep in touch if you can to let us know how you are.

[ChristinaO777 in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you! I live in the U.S. And I haven't heard of any mother baby units. That sounds amazing!

[Maxi0501]

Hi Christina

I'm sorry I don't have any advice besides you can and will get through this, but I just wanted to send a big hug and some positive vibes your way. Thank goodness for this page, these beautiful ladies will support you xo

[ChristinaO777 in reply to Maxi0501]

Thank you so much 😊

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Christina

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I've had a quick look on the site and Jennifer Moyer, who lives in the U.S and had PP, suggested Postpartum Support International (PSI) website postpartum.net to see what resources are available in your area. She can also be contacted via jennifermoyer.com. Another mum also mentioned Post Partum Progress in the U.S. which might be helpful.

Take good care. Although far away, we are all here for you.

[ChristinaO777 in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you so much

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Christina0777

Thanks for your reply. Are you able to access support in the U.S via any of the links? I hope your husband is making a good recovery although I know it takes a while. It's good that your mum is taking care of you and your children in the meantime.

Take very good care of yourself. We are all here to lean on.

[ChristinaO777 in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi there! I sure was. Thank you for the referrals. I actually got to speak to Jennifer. It was a real blessing.

Thanks for caring 😊

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Christina

So good to hear that you have spoken to Jennifer for support.

We are always here to help if we can.

Take very good care of yourself.