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Young and feeling old

I've changed, I used to be a confident human being. Everyday I would find a joy to keep me going in life. Life was beautiful... I praised the beauty of life. I was never afraid to try or fail. I had so much energy & love toward myself & for others. Until, I started working in a nursing home. My life will never be the same as much as I try I can't be that human who would faced fear in all circumstances before I saw the reality of how we all end up in life. All I saw was pain, we deteriorate slowly, organ don't function correctly, body odor turns horrible, our skin also gets wrinkled & in cases open sores. I see humans showing beauty & makeup & I just wonder how in the future they will look. We are living in a perfectionist world today & we are not near close to being perfect in this world. Every day we are creating pollution & forgetting the reality of life. Life is a living pain. Ask yourself, which person in a nursing home will you end up like.... a 100 year old, bed compounded, immobile, depend on diapers, memory issues. It all ends. I just can't see life the same anymore. I get so depressed when I surround myself in this environment. I had to quit nursing, it's was depriving me so much I couldn't even get out of bed. I'm still depressed because my mind flashes back to everything I've gone through & all the health deseases & conditions I faced. Not only that but I helped others so much, I'm so sensitive but no dumb, even though we age many caretakers were so lazy & it depresses me because someday we all will age and I hope if I make it to an old age I find a good caretaker... I just hope I don't get that far it would be such a heart break to face daily for myself. We would get patients and many would tell me "I never knew how hard it would get to be old & all the work required & I never been in my life been in a nursing home" in my head I would be like your lucky you faced a nursing home this old... being 20years old and seeing it and working in it gave a a big suck of my life's energy. I just wish I never saw this world so early... but God wanted me too it's just so sad how many don't know that saving life's is beautiful but living in tortured pain is not & being an old age there's only a few changes to get. I wish I could not think this way.

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Wxyz4, as a carer of dying people you were dealing with the sadest cases of all and it has clearly affected you badly. You were right to leave that work, it was not right for you, and you must just accept what you experienced without dwelling on it. I say they are the sadest cases because just as many people have peaceful deaths, passing on in their sleep, and many are able and compus mentis right up to their deaths. We are all more likely to fall into this category when the time comes. So, ad the saying goes, let the dead bury the dead and turn your gaze to the good things of life, the enjoyable things in life, things that hold pleasure and interest for you, Christ you're only 20, what a great age to be, life lies ahead so embrace it and give thanks that you are in good health and a whole world is waiting for you to explore.

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hey :)

I'm so sorry to hear what you have gone through, being 20 years old myself it isn't something I would wish to experience and I'm not surprised it has affected you in this way.

Did you speak to the patients and ask about their lives? I only ask this as I am currently watching my Grandad lose his memory and slowly pass away and it saddens me, gives me all those thoughts that you have been experiencing. What is the point if we're just going to become nothing? However, after I had had time to grieve, cry and panic over what happens to us in the end, I started to listen to my Grandad's stories and with each incredible story he's told me over the last few months it has helped me to realise that life is such a beautiful gift and it is in our own power and only our power to make it as good as it can be. Then perhaps in 60 years when we're in the nursing home we can tell our grandchildren of our stories :)

I agree that many people do not understand the gift that life is but that is on their shoulders and not yours. I completely understand how hard it is to look around and see all the beauty yet no appreciation. I myself worry about technology... I don't want to show my children their baby photo's on a hologram or whatever comes next!! I like having the photographs!! But you cannot punish yourself and get hung up about the way other people treat the world, it is developing and changing at a fast pace and we have to move with it and the behaviour of others is not your burden to carry.

My advice would be to try to reconnect with the things you used to love before you started nursing. Spend an hour in the park and people watch, or travel somewhere you might not usually go. If you are more concerned about the health side of things then maybe take up walking or light exercise and healthy eating. Of course there is no guarantee but you will be better off than someone who doesn't get their five a day :)

Sorry for such a long message but there is so much of the world to see, so many experiences to be had and I hope you find the love for life that you seemed to have lost. From 20-year-old to 20-year-old; trust me when I say we have barely begun, make your next 50+ years the best you could.

Thinking of you x

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I feel you. I'm a nurse, but I'm 46 and have spent 90% of my career in a Level I trauma center, 5% in Radiology diagnosing and treating people with cancer and the other 5% was spent at our state mental institution on the forensic unit. I've seen what horrible things people do to each other and themselves. I've seen devastating injuries to young innocent people and I've seen POS live through things that would've killed me or you. I've learned life is unfair and life is short. I've chosen to live like I'll die tomorrow instead of getting inside my head and letting all the negativity consume me. I do have health anxiety from time to time due to knowing too much about illnesses.

I also have anxiety when it comes to my son. He'll be 18 in the fall. When he first started spending the night with friends I'd text him constantly to check on him. When he started going to the movies, dances, etc I would think about all of the horrible things that could happen to him. Don't even get me started about when he started driving and could stay out later. As hard as it has been, I've started to realize that I've raised a good kid with a good head on his shoulders. I asked him recently what I've taught him and he said, "To always try something new and travel whenever I can". BAM! That hit me like a ton of bricks. He has listened to me and he will be a productive member of society. A lot of my anxiety and fear about him is slowly fading into the background.

I say all of this because even though you've seen the end of life, take comfort in knowing that it's a long way away for you. You may never, ever see the inside of a nursing home when you are old. Your future kids may decide to keep you at your house with a live-in sitter to take care of you. You may have the love of your life to take care of you. You don't know what the future holds so don't think too much about it. Yes, plan for it, but don't dwell on it. Death is a natural thing that will happen to each and every one of us. If you have a strong relationship with your higher power then you should have enough faith to go down the path that has been laid out for you. Just sit back and enjoy the ride!!

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Death is like passing from one room to another. There is a time for joy and a time for sadness. A time to laugh and a time for tears. A time to live and a time to die. When was it ever otherwise?

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