Surviving

[Kat_21]

I haven't been on here in a while. I've had a lot happen in the past couple years, and lately I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. I have a beautiful son who means the world to me, and I've been blessed enough to not have to work to support us both due to past circumstances.. But it feels like I'm running in place.

My son spent the majority of the time with his grandparents, my parents, when I did work. When his dad passed, and i stopped working, we tried to keep his schedule the same. Eventually, they just decided to keep him through the weeks, making it very clear that my son is miserable with me and is doing worse when i have him.

I live with my boyfriend currently, but I'm not even sure about that anymore. I met him when we were both struggling and we quickly moved in together. I should've known I wasn't ready, but I just wanted someone to want me, I guess. It was a lot of me being insecure for no reason, and invading privacy, and just toxic behavior that made it really hard on both of us.

I have worked through the majority of this time and time again but it seems like it always comes back to me feeling like I'm not good enough. Not pretty, intelligent, or strong enough to live a 'normal' life. I have nothing to really offer anyone. I don't have any friends, I'm not especially good at anything.

I'm worried that the one thing i do have going for me, a steady, guaranteed check every month, is the only reason he's here. I don't want to think about these things. I guess I would rather deal with it then be alone.

I feel like everything would just be less complicated for my son if it were me that had passed. I feel like I'm not able to give anything anymore. I'm just here doing literally everything just to get through another day. I'm not sure anymore.

[litethatnevergoesout]

Keep living for your son, even if it’s all you have left to do. He needs his mom and will for a very long time.

[Kat_21 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I know you're right, but there's that voice in my head saying he would be better off without me. I'm trying though.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Kat_21]

of course that voice is there. keep ignoring what it says to you. keep trying!

[Hidden]

Why? You are his mother and he will have that - enough for someone his age. He may be struggling with so many emotions and at the end at least he has you. Let him get his emotions out and you stay with him because that is what he really needs, you his guidance, suviour and punching bag I am afraid to stay. Win this, you give it your best go

[goldieoldie]

Your still very young and to be able to live a good life you need to find something you enjoy doing-dont say your not good at anything as that defeats the purpose--you Can and you Will find that something!!!