I don’t wanna here. And I don’t want to hear about all the things I can do to practice gratitude or the people I will be hurting.
My panic attacks have me by the throat. I fight every fucking day to just make it through. I do it all. Medicine, therapy, breathing, walks, talking about it with family, completed an IOP… all of it.
I was in the hospital for 2 weeks a couple months ago. Got that support.
NOTHING IS HELPING. I hate waking up. I hate putting on a front. Nothing brings me joy. I’m completely numb. Wish I was exaggerating, Really wish I was.
This sadness is slowly tearing me apart and feeding the black hole inside of me.
Sending love and the biggest hug who might be feeling any of this too.
Written by
teal_tacos
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I know it's hard. I won't dare sugarcoat that in any way. You're going through a tough time right now, and I know it doesn't seem like it will pass but it will.
Yes, every time feels like the first time (for me at least).
One of the exercises I do tells me to think about how I've dealt with these emotions before and have gotten through it. My psychiatrist tells me that I've made it through tough times before.Here's something I learned from yesterday's mediation session: let everything come, don't fight them, don't try and push them away. If you just let these emotions come, they might ironically dissipate to a manageable level (or even all the way) on their own.
I haven’t been able to feel my anger either. That’s one emotion I’ve never been able to express growing up. Kinda scared of what it would look like now after 32 years of being ignored.
Hugs it is a daily process and work for all of us. You are not alone. I started taking better care of my colon with prebiotics and miralax and it has been helping with anxiety levels as well now that I have leveled off a bit after 5 days.
I know how you feel. I have been feeling like this non stop for the last two and a half years. I have a husband and two children and some good friends. I have usually been the supportive, happy and upbeat person that cares about everyone and is known for her sense of humor.
I don't recognize myself. It's hard to want o be around others when you don't even want to be be around yourself, eh? Ridiculous as it sounds, I am so envious of my husband being able to be happy that sometimes I just can't be around him because it is hard to listen to small talk when you feel so blue and anxious. I have done the meds, am doing the therapy, but can't take enough of a therapeutic dose of SSRIs because of severe, severe sweating and dry eye. Eight different meds I have tried have done the same. I have been to endocrinologist, gynecologists and my internist. I treat with a psychiatrist. I go to the gym three times a week.
I had cataract surgery 1 and a half years ago which was also to correct my distance vision. They overcorrected my eyes which led to the wrong field of vision being corrected. I had corrective lasik to try to fix the problem. This has left me with super dry eyes.
I am with you, I am tired of fighting, but I don't have a choice. I have a family that needs me, so I soldier on.
I am grateful for the things I have in my life and those who love me, and I wish that was enough to lift the cloud. I am going to try yoga but all this stuff gets expensive.
So, I extend a hand and a heart to you and every one else who is stuck in the "hole".
My bliss is my dogs, they give me so much comfort. I did find a therapist with a big ole slobbery and hairy St Bernard that sits on the couch with me while I pour out my heart to my therapist. I will say thinking about how I look like a white fuzzy chia pet when I leave their office does make me smile. I always bring Sadie (the dog) some turkey sausage, lol.
Peace to your heart and let's hope the little hamsters running overtime in the wheels of our minds take a vacation.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate to most. The exhaustion is causing such a numbness, my suicidal thoughts are coming back. Such a vicious hamster wheel. Sending love.
During the week, when I am doing volunteer work, I am so anxious. My normal response is to try to be funny. It fails miserably and seem to always end up making myself look like a jerk. Maybe I am a jerk. I just have this fear that they will humiliate me or worse if I become angry. In my family, I got my butt kicked every time I showed any type of anger or discontent. Lots of times I have panic attacks in the form of chest pains. They don't even scare me anymore because I have learned to just dismiss them as panic attacks and nothing else. Believe it or not, I have found that if I stay away from anxiety meds, the chest pains get better over the long haul. But I still do have the increased worry and anxiety. But being online here and focusing more on all of you folks does seem to help get me out of myself, and I am glad to have all of you. I used to go to group therapy but haven't in over 2 years now because of covid. I am either at home or at church volunteering. Fortunately, the people I help at church have already gotten omicron and recovered. If that were not the case, I wouldn't even go there to church. I do not go on Sundays at all though because of the risk of infection from being in a big crowd. But during the week, when I am volunteering, I see all of the "normal" interactions between staff members and it makes me wish I could somehow socialize better. Thank you for listening to my rambling.
I understand where you are right now and it is tough, frightening with no resolution no visual end to the constant stuff that affects us, I have experienced this.
For me felt there was a need to understand Why? like why I felt like it, what was affecting me, what is causing these issues, what is going on in my mind, it took time, it was fustrating but I pushed through.
I kind of thought something was troubling me, how do I find an answer?
I researched the area around Fear, found Fear or anxiety is common, after all it is a natural human response a protection.
I paid private for hypnotherapy to establish what was in my subconscious mind, and seperately psychotherapy to try to establish what was going on with me, where are my hang ups, what are my fears and gradually came to an answer. From here I could start to take control, with tools and therapy life started to improve.
Throughout the whole time and even now, I do use the coping mechanisms, breathing etc, they are again a saviour, to again take control, they enpowered me, grounding is I find the simpliest and post powerful,
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exhausted from anxiety 
Stressful and exhausting day
I’m screwed up. :( 💔
Exhausted and alone
Exhausting but Worth it
