Help with parenting anxiety

[Missy84]

Hi I’m new to this. I’m struggling with letting my 14 year old have independence. Letting him out alone makes me ill. How can I cope with this? Does it get easier?

[b1b1b1]

It depends where he is going and what he is planning to do. In the US 14 year olds cannot drive. I assume the UK is similar. This is good as it limits what he can do. You should be familiar with his friends. You should also set a curfew.

They do begin to need more independence, but it is a gradual process. All parents have to be aware of any possibility of drug and alcohol use.

[Missy84 in reply to b1b1b1]

Thank you for your reply. He is a very naive 14 year old with Asperger, not very street wise at all. However he’s had the same group of friends most of his school life and they’re aware of how he is. He only travelled 20 minutes by bus into a town 3 miles away. I guess it’s just hard letting them be independent.

[Gunshipmusic26]

Missy84 two parter; first off, you’re going to have to do someSerious work to reset your outlook and worryin brain to one that has prepped your child as best it can and deals with the fact that being over involved or overprotective does way more potential damage in the long run to your child’s development than good. It’s coming from a good place, but the only truly life altering lessons learned in our lives are those that we made on our own and then dealt with the results of said decision on the back end of things and were able to grow as a person from. Your child will eventually leave hole on his own for good and will be forced to fend for himself then, so why not set out to educate and refine his ability to process and choose wisely based on available information at the time, aka what life’s like once you graduate high school. If you do a good job in discussing life and living with your son in a way that seeks to inform and assist in decision making but stops short of telling him what is right/wrong/good/bad, you’re affording your child the space to become comfortable making his own decisions and navigating life’s ups and downs in a way that parents like mine that would declare you do this and don’t do that because we said so and while in their minds looking out for me, we’re creating a space for long term resentment in my head borne of the feeling that my parents stifled my social life and free time being too strict and creating a real problem for me when on my own; I assume that anything my parents didn’t allow me to do, learn about or discuss all became things that I saw as being things I wanted to do and experience myself before accepting that piercing an ear or smoking a cigarette were vile sins and acts of hethens. Smoking was bad for you and forbidden since my mom knew it was bad because she smoked for a week in college and an earring would ruin my mother’s reputation in her friend group if I got an earring, which became things I was looking forward to doing once I graduated. Terrible, just as bad as having no rules by having too many. Kids need to be able to evaluate and process things on their own and then make an informed decision about something because those are adult life skills happy well adjusted people possess. Maybe slowly but surely take steps to allow a gradual and increasing amount of freedom to your son while you make it a point to have in depth discussions around what you feel a good moral son of yours would know and stand for on his own when all grown up. Kids are exposed to all the issues that are uncomfortable

To discuss, drugs, sex, suicide, etc, so I say don’t be shy jump right in and have an open chat about major issues and preach morality and make sure to allow him to make his own decisions along the way, will have him prepped to take life by the horns. Insulating from potential harm only serves to restrict growth as an adult by limiting exposure to bad AND good at the same time. It’s the first step out of ones comfort zone that is the key that unlocks knowledge and wisdom as a man, so give him a little push after you’ve filled him with facts and he’ll be killing life.