I posted the following on this forum some time ago and think it might be beneficial to post it again. To let people know that there is light at the end of the tunnel that anyone can recover from anxiety when they understand that trying to get rid of it, trying to make themselves think or feel differently is likely to be the reason they are not making progress and still suffering badly. This doesn’t apply to a few hardy individuals with great courage, it applies to anyone who feels as though they are going round in ever decreasing circles with no hope of recovery. Recovery will happen when you stop trying to do anything about it.
“When I unwittingly developed my anxiety disorder, I just wanted to relax. I craved relaxation and did all manner of things to try and achieve it and to stop feeling extreme discomfort all day, every day with no respite (except when I managed to sleep). I tried hypnotherapy, I tried meditation, I tried listening to soothing music, waves gently lapping the shores of a golden sun kissed sandy beach. I bought a bicycle and rode a stupid amount of miles every week. I swam huge distances. I was as fit as a butcher’s dog but none of these things provided prolonged periods of relaxation or peacefulness. By the next morning, my mind and body was wracked with anxiety. Back to square one. It was like Groundhog Day but far worse. No matter what I tried to do to get rid of the anxiety, it was back the next day. Relentless stuff. Depression followed.
Don’t get me wrong, exercise is a great for stress relief but having anxiety brings a whole new dimension to stress. It’s in another league. If only people could understand the emotional and physical pain we were feeling.
Sure, exercise tackles the symptoms of stress but does not address the root cause of that stress. For chronic anxiety sufferers, nerves that have been battered into submission need time to desensitise, to heal but that won’t happen if I fill my day trying to make this “thing” go away and stop dominating my life, I was stuck in a never ending fear-adrenalin-fear cycle. I was anxious and stressed about feeling anxious. I was scared of the feelings of fear. It just keeps producing more stress induced chemicals, inciting more fear. I would fight the thoughts and feelings to feel right, instead of allowing myself to feel the symptoms of anxiety and let myself come out of it naturally. That’s what people without inappropriate levels of anxiety do. They don’t do anything. The feelings just go away by themselves because their focus is on other things, probably the reason that drives that particular emotion and not dwelling upon how they feel. Anxiety sufferers are frightened to death about the feelings and try to force themselves to feel better. This is the same as pouring petrol on a fire and expecting the flames to be extinguished. Fat chance.
Getting to the crux of the matter, to no longer feel these feelings, the trick is to allow them to be there and not do anything to change the situation. This stops pouring fuel on that fire. Struggling to change your feelings or mental state is a fight you will never win and simply fans those flames. Try feeling happy when you are sad. Try feeling sad when you are happy. Try feeling full of energy when you are dog tired. See what I mean? You have little or no control over how you are feeling but anxiety sufferers are constantly trying to do this. Trying to control anxiety has the opposite effect. By giving up trying to control anxiety, you eventually regain control!
Allowing or accepting (it’s the same thing) is not a technique or some method. I mean, it is not something you try for a bit and then say, “Aaarghh, I’m still feeling very anxious and hate it. It’s not working!!” That is missing the point entirely.
It is about letting go, developing a relaxed attitude towards the symptoms and allowing yourselves to feel the way you are feeling at any time. Let yourselves fall into any state and do nothing to try and change it. It is not about your mind or emotions being calm, it is about you being calm towards the crappy thoughts the mind is spewing out and the grossly exaggerated emotions that turn pimples into Mt Everest. It’s about being ok about not feeling ok. It is the resistance to emotions that cause the majority of suffering, not the feelings themselves. Acceptance is made easier once the mystery of anxiety is understood and the symptoms completely harmless. Fear is the only thing keeping the cycle going. It’s a natural reaction that is designed to protect us in the face of danger. To fight, run away or freeze (playing dead). Anxiety sufferers have become afraid of the symptoms of fear.
To be free from inappropriate levels of anxiety you have to allow every aspect of it to be there and learning to observe instead of fighting, suppressing, avoiding etc. I stopped hiding from it, stopped trying to suppress it, stopped avoiding things or doing things to deliberately try and feel different. I still cycled and ploughed up and down the pool but didn’t do it with the expectation that it would free me from anxiety.
Recovery is not about managing or coping with anxiety. I never had to manage or cope with it before I developed the disorder so why now? And it wasn’t something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. To recover, you don’t need anything, no techniques, methods of coping or safety behaviours. You just need to be more accepting with anxiety being in your life and be open to it.
The only thing that I changed was my attitude. There is no magic medication to make it go away. Medication does not remove fear. It just masks the symptoms of fear which will still be there if you haven’t learnt how to cope and pass through fear the right way by facing and accepting.
I just stopped fighting with myself and trying to escape or change the way I felt. I just carried on living my life and doing things, regardless of how I felt. You see, for normality to return, you have to carry on doing normal things. Go to work, socialise, take that holiday and take the anxiety with you.
When freedom from anxiety came (it’s a gradual process, progress often going unnoticed and doesn’t happen over night), there was nothing left to manage or the need to keep doing things to find relief and that was always my target. Just like I was before anxiety and how things are now. Recovery is not exclusive to a few brave souls. Each and every one of you has what it takes to recover. You just need to know what to do to recover. Absolutely nothing.”
Wishing you all the very best for Christmas and 2021. Peace and love.
Beevee ❤️
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Beevee
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True! For any feeling acceptance is the kay and that goes for anxiety too. But, in severe form it needs both ways to deduct and build the acceptance process, I think.
Thank you for sharing this insightful post and your journey. It is a brave story.
Happy Christmas to you too. Cherish your time. 😊😊
But what if it's so severe and debilitating mentally and physically that you can't live normally with it?
I see what you are saying here, accept what you are feeling, but in a previous post you did not accept that what you are saying is what I’m doing, I run, I invite a friend over, I play with my kids, I watch movies, I clean,... that is life. I still deal with anxiety I won’t lie but I am handling it the best I can. In my case it runs in my family and I just have to do my best with what I have and keep trying yes trying to do what works for me. I’m tired of people thinking they know me better than I know me. Sorry if it seems I’m coming down on you I’m just tired of people thinking they know and I do not. Thinking I am a bad person who needs God when they obviously don’t even care to know me. I’m tired.
Hi Starrlight. No offence taken! I’ve replied to your other message. You are right, I don’t know you but I do know that that the root cause of anxiety and related disorders is fear so the cure is the same too. Overcoming those fears or the feelings of fear which is the issue for many on this forum.
Acceptance requires a change in attitude towards the symptoms. Doing nothing about them instead of trying to do stuff to make you think and feel differently. I stopped striving to make myself feel better and just carried on living my life, regardless of how I felt. Gradually, all those symptoms died away. Peace of mind and body returned.
What if you seriously don't even KNOW what is causing your anxiety? I mean, I think of possible reasons for it, but I'm STILL not sure. Mine gets extreme on the weekends-when I am not working. Yes I have it all week, but weekends are just unbearable. It happens from the moment I open my eyes, and fizzles out a lot in the evenings.
I was exactly the same. Thick anxiety on waking, tapering off during the evenings, only for it to start again the moment I woke.
Take my advice and don’t bother trying to work any of it out. It gets you nowhere. It just tires an already tired mind that just wants some space and time to recuperate.
It depends. There are 2 types of anxiety sufferers.
1, Those who have some overwhelming problem that is causing them a lot of pain and or sorrow. For example some sort of trauma. That issue needs to be resolved before moving forward and dealing with any anxiety issues caused by stressing over the problem.
2. Those who have no overwhelming problem other that anxiety itself. Something or things are likely to have caused the onset of anxiety but now long forgotten. Their main problem is coping with the symptoms of anxiety e.g. scary thoughts, physical sensations. In my opinion, the majority of anxiety sufferers fall into this category.
For a while, I was convinced that I fell into the first category and spent along time trying to figure out what that deep seated problem(s) was. There wasn’t one.
My anxiety thrived upon this and filled my head with so many fears that I soon lost count. I had thousands of problems, or so my anxious brain kept telling me.
Over a period of time, I learned that I was in category 2, not category 1. Anxiety was playing tricks on me all along and started to get better when I stopped falling for those tricks.
Thank you. It's just hard to understand the concept of getting over the anxiety feeling, without any meds to help out. But they only help for a little while anyway.
I developed a different way of looking at the symptoms, all based upon the fact that to get better, I knew i had to feel the anxiety. There’s only so much adrenalin the body can produce! The same adrenalin that people thrive on when jumping out of a perfectly functional aircraft. The only difference is that anxiety sufferers fear that feeling whereas skydivers love it ( heart beating out of your chest).
So I went towards those fears and did things even though I was sh1ting myself! The brain only learns that there is nothing to feel anxious about when you go towards those fears and dispel the myth.
Same as flying I suppose. You can read all about how safe it is to fly but you won’t lose your fear of flying unless you go up in one, time and again and realise there is nothing to worry about. I just did the same with my anxiety. I took it with me everywhere I went.
Hi Beevee at the moment I am in number 2 and trying baby steps to resolve my problems so it’s really hard to accept all these feelings as well as dealing with the problems.You say carry on working, this I struggle with because I am a manager of 14 people all now working from home. I struggle to sit still and concentrate let alone sit at a computer for 8 hrs a day and manage staff.
Any ideas how I can overcome this as I really need to get back to work because not working is adding to my problems both financially and I have too much time on my hands
Yes, I absolutely agree. If there is a specific issue causing anxiety, that needs to be addressed first. Developing a different view point to the problem, for example.
My post is aimed at those who may have had a problem causing anxiety which over time has since been forgotten about. The new problem keeping them stuck on the anxiety hamster wheel is having anxiety about the symptoms of anxiety.
Mine started when I did not recognise the symptoms of stress (young family, thinking about my own mortality etc etc). I then stressed about being stressed which eventually shattered my nerves and developed into very high levels of anxiety, all day, every day. Anxiety ( intrusive thoughts) then became my problem and spent along time trying to feel better but to no avail. I was fighting instead of accepting.
I would add that acceptance can still do the job because anxiety is very good at creating mountains out of molehills and can make those problems seem insurmountable. Anxiety blows a problem all out of proportion.
Hi Beevee great post as ever, I know you say it’s about keeping calm when the crappy thoughts and feelings are there but I just can’t grasp how to accept and allow them when my thoughts are so random and filled with worry and fear, how do you not give them your attention when they come so automatically and bring with them additional thoughts of ‘why me’ and ‘why can’t I be like others’ etc etc. The thoughts and feelings are so strong that they change me inside and out so physically in my mannerisms that it feels impossible not to let it affect me
Thanks JP26. Let the thoughts affect you. You have no control over the them coming which are just bursts of negative energy being released by sensitised nerves (healing process) and completely normal under the circumstances. This is what I mean by letting yourself fall into any state. If you feel crap, so be it. If thoughts race and shock you to the core, so be it. If they change your mannerisms then so be it. Accept it all. It is the mind and body’s way of healing.
You mention those thoughts. Why me? etc. I’m going to get a bit technical here and try my best to describe it in the same way as Dr Weekes did in her books. Those why me thoughts are called “second fear” which keeps the anxiety cycle spinning round. You have no control over the first fear which might be a random scary thought that pops into our head uninvited, scaring you. You do have full control over how you choose to react (which swiftly follows that first fear flash) and will determine how long a sufferer stays in the anxiety cycle.
If you react to the first fear by adding more fear (second fear...what if, why me, why, why why???) this just adds more stress and keeps your nerves sensitised and those anxious thoughts coming. You are fearing the symptoms of fear. Second fear can be recognised as a “What if?” question. This also includes why me or any other reaction that is not passive towards that thought or physical feeling. This takes time to master whereby a thought will still shock you but you just learn to acknowledge it’s presence, observe the content and then let it go/move on. In other words, change your reaction from “What if/Why me?” to “So what?
When second fear is no longer being added to the first fear, you stop feeding the first fear and it dies away.
During times (small windows to begin with) when I wasn’t feeling anxious, I noticed that those thoughts just weren’t there. I thought about them but never got the same fearful reaction and therefore concluded that it was anxiety creating those thoughts and feelings, not me. This made it easier to accept all the crap and just let it be there and not doing anything about it. The same applied to the physical feelings too. Those thoughts and feelings will still be there for a time even when you are fully accepting and no longer give them the respect they need to survive.
It doesn’t matter how strongly they may come, accept them and question none of it. I too thought I’d never get better but I did. The symptoms just faded away and without me noticing that they had gone. There weren’t any fanfares or feelings of jubilation, it was that gradual. A natural adjustment, if you like.
The mind and body are amazing; anxiety sufferers just need to stop interfering with the natural healing process and step out of the way by learning to accept instead of trying to maintain control. It is us that has a firm grip on anxiety, not the other way round. Let it go.
Thanks Beevee it does help and it does explain the pattern/cycle so well what is happening within me. I’m stuck at the point between where the first fear and second fear comes in, as soon as I have a thought/worry I don’t like I want rid of it immediately and can’t accept that I’m having it hence the fight and struggle. This pattern repeats over and over all day long and sleep is my only escape.
Was there something you said to yourself or used to interrupt that second fear from kicking in? Even by asking you that I feel like I’m misinterpreting what needs to be done as that could be classed as a technique to use, it’s such a fine line between dropping everything and not using a technique to allow and accept. I hate the thoughts and fears I have so it’s so hard to accept/allow them and not let it affect me.
So true Beevee and Dolphin I do think (although anxiety for me is part hereditary) that there is another cause and I am working through it these days with a therapist and on my own and I need to talk about it more. It was when my brother killed himself and I saw him there and I don’t want to disturb anyone so I won’t go on but it was terrible and I still am healing and I’ll never be the same but I hope to get better and better as time takes me onward. I believe now he is in a good place and I’m trying to forgive myself for things that could have contributed to his death. I tried to help him as I knew he was in trouble but I couldn’t stop him.
No they may not disappear completely but over time, you may develop a different view, a view that is easier to accept and be more at peace with yourself.
I grew up that same way. I'm sorry you experienced it also.I never realized I had trauma from childhood. I thought it was " normal"
EMDR did help expose many of my issues. There was definitely a pattern showing a lot of my behaviors were from the trauma of childhood.
I would say give it a shot. Having someone walk you through your painful memories helps take away some of its power. It's a tough draining therapy I will say that.
After EMDR I moved into IFS which is helping me learn more about my emotions. I'm learning how to work with them. Learning how to express myself etc
I wish you the best of luck if you decide to do it.
Thanks Dolphin I appreciate it, although I’m an adult now I still feel like a child in my mind in many ways, I worry what others will think of me, worry about situations and struggle to stand up for myself all of which stems from my childhood.
I understand everything you just wrote. These are the wounds we carry. The " inner child" is in pain. I have a strong fear of rejection, being judged, feeling unworthy. I was raised to belief my words and emotions were not important.
I apologize for not explaining. IFS=Internal Family Systems. It's a form of therapy where you visit your " parts". You learn to work with anxiety, rejection, fear etc. By talking through and feeling the part you begin to see why you react in certain ways to things.
Example... for me anxiety is actually a warning, get ready... as a child of emotional neglect I lived on " egg shells" anxiety was the warning signal for me to be prepared. Anxiety is now something I work with. When I feel it I have been taught to sit with it, tell myself I'm in no danger. There's an actual process you work through to learn to live with your parts. You revisit the past and the core of the emotion.
Google it. It sounds kind of "out there" but once I learned to work the therapy I became more confident in handling myself.
There are books and workbooks on the subject. An IFS therapist is specially trained.
Thanks Dolphin I’m that’s really helpful, I can totally relate to growing up walking on egg shells and feel like i still am in many ways particularly when the anxiety comes.
Let me know if you have any questions about it. I would be happy to help you based on my experience. The wounds are deep and painful. Just remember it wasn't about you. There was something wrong with them. They had problems and they caused the damage. We were innocent children and had to carry a heavy burden. We can set ourselves free from this.
So sorry to read about your brother. May he rest in peace. One of the guiding principles I learned [Dr Weekes’ books] was that time is a great healer. Anxiety magnifies the emotions so any feelings of guilt, no matter how small, can feel unbearable but I’m sure you did all that you could.
Good to hear from you, Beevee. More than ever are the words of enlightened folk needed here: those who understand the path to recovery, as every day more newbies arrive, some very young, seeking to regain their quiet minds.
Did you know that the biography of Claire Weekes, whose teachings on Acceptance have made such a difference to our lives, has been published. Its title says all: "Claire Weekes: the woman who cracked the anxiety code". Great title. The blurb on the back, written by David Barlow, Emeritus Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at Boston University, claims that over the years her method has brought recovery to over 2-million people! Hopefully we will add a few more to that number before our work is finished.
Christmas will be different for all of us this year but I wish you and those close to you a happy day and better times ahead.
Thank you Jeff1943. I didn’t know about the biography but very glad that highly regarded professionals are picking up the baton.
At first, I just couldn’t relate to the content of her book, probably because I was too scared and frantically searching for the answer to all my suffering.
The answers were staring right at me all along and over time, I began to relate to things Dr Weekes mentioned in her book and started applying those 4 basic principles. It took time to fully grasp it all and to just let it all happen and can’t thank Dr Weekes enough for showing me the path to recovery.
I still had to walk that path but her books were definitely my guiding light, along with Paul David’s At Last a Life which is all about acceptance too.
It’s a bit like reading the Highway Code (those in the UK will know this guide) but expecting to pass your practical test first time without having any driving lessons! It takes time for all that braking, acceleration, gear changing, mirror checking and signalling to knit together and to be able to do it blind folded. Not the mirror checking bit, mind 😂
It becomes second nature, in the way that acceptance became second nature to me. Don’t overthink it either. It boils down to putting one foot in front of the other and continually moving forward regardless of how you feel. The mind and body will catch up and right itself, sooner or later.
Jeff1943, I’ll raise a glass to you and your loved ones this Christmas and to a happy new year!
Where I live, we are fortunate to be encircled with a natural border (the sea) and the government was able to control the flow of people and eradicate the virus. As a result, we have been COVID free in the community for several months now and, other than those returning home having to self isolate for two weeks, everything is back to normal. The few cases we do have ( there were 4 the last time I heard...population is 85,000) are people who contracted the virus off island and self isolating at home so the risk of it being spread in the community is virtually non existent. Those who flout the strict rules around isolation are detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure for 4 weeks . A couple of recent examples made the tabloid press, including one love sick person who bought a jet ski and made the 17 mile journey to the island before walking another 15 miles to see his girlfriend. The police soon caught up with him and is now spending Christmas behind bars.
I don't think I will ever get to the point where I don't care whether I have anxiety or not. Even if it's in my subconscious. Also would seeing my therapist be considered fighting my anxiety instead of accepting it ?
Beevee your post makes a lot of sense to me, I am not the one with depression. My daughter is, consequently she does not answer the phone, or the door or letters to me. You do not give a time line, but I presume it is a long time, we have been this way for at least eleven years. A lot has happened in our lives, it concerns my ex. her father. She tried suicide before she fell for her daughter, we thought she seemed so much better after the birth. Then when her daughter was almost school age, she would not let her go. The upshot was they took my grandaughter away, she was away for two years. My daughter did not want any of the family to look after her. I re married moved away, they seemed ok, when her daughter was eleven she actually came to stay with us. She was ok at first, very concious of her hair and make up, so a typical almost teen. But every night she called her mum after four days of really trying to put her at her ease, I gave up. I took her home. She was rude to me when she got home, I was angry, tired and over rought. It seemed better when we left them, but I never got another call. Still trying, this is a long story as I said. Sorry to anybody who gave up half way. I am still her mum, I still love her, but no idea how she is.
Beekeeper, I don’t quite understand. Is there a book or something that would walk me through this. I am pretty desperate right now. Thank you so much for your article.
I recovered by following the teachings of Dr Claire Weekes and her booked called Essential Help for your Nerves. The title of the book may vary depending on where in the world you live. I also believe there are podcasts and other material out there on the internet, as well as her books. I think she was the first to advocate acceptance as the way to recover and there have been a few authors who have followed in her footsteps but would recommend anything that advocates acceptance as the way to recover. I also found another website called anxietynomore co.uk very helpful and created by Paul David who recovered through accepting the symptoms instead of fighting with them. Hes also written 2 books. I bought the first called At Last a Life. I didnt need the second book!
I'm afraid that there are no quick wins and that the journey to recovery is a bumpy affair but well worth the wait!
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