In the late evening of Monday, 23rd September 2019 after having moved back into university halls of residence for my second year a week prior, I basically watched lewd stuff (obviously with adults in) for around about 2-4 hours intermittently when my depression was as its worst height. I'd already experienced false memories by this point.
I would go from lying on the front of my chest and push into the bed (an awkward way of doing it that I developed when I was in my early teens) while watching the lewd stuff on my phone, to then sitting up and watching random videos on YouTube.
The second to last video I watched was a video of Kurt Cobain and his 2 year old daughter, that appeared on the homepage after going back from and sitting up in bed again. At this point, I remember thinking that if I were to watch this video, I shouldn't watch another video afterwards, purely ''because this YouTube video had a baby in it'' - even though I knew deep down that the two videos were entirely separated by tabs on my phone, not to mention obviously by content.
Nevertheless, I watched the interview video, scrolled through the comments and paused at a specific point then went back to the lewd stuff, and only then did I kneel down again, but with a video loaded.
Finally, I remember sitting up again and going back to the YouTube homepage and the first video shown was a slideshow of Cobain's daughter through the years and I remember feeling so much guilt for having watched the prior stuff. The reason for this is that - as best as I can describe - seeing her (as a baby, the pinnacle of innocence) exemplified the essential humanity that we all have, including the adult performers I'd been watching.
As a result, I felt heavy guilt (that I now realize to be misplaced) for being what I considered to be ''anti-feminist'', and an ''evil person''.
Perhaps I overthink the morality of things, I don't know.
My brain at the time immediately started to go into overload and overlap what would otherwise be two separate actions of watching YouTube then lewd stuff. I remember going to the sink afterwards, and dry-vomiting.
With regards to the actual first-person recollection of possibly staring at the Cobain video, I have no explicit sensory memory of this. The 'image' in my head is grainy at best. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself were this the opposite, and the image only arrived in May. Yet, I still feel like a liar and fraud who shouldn't live, and has been lying to himself for 11 months.
Declan, YouTube's whole model is to get you to watch more and more videos and to make it as seamless and effortless as possible. They have tons of people working for them, figuring out ways to get you to stay on as long as possible. You fell down this rabbit hole because that's how YouTube is designed and you're a human being. Because of the way you're wired, your mind is connecting lots of dubious dots. This wouldn't have happened if you had grown up in my era, where you had to leave the house and pay money (and be over 21) to watch porn films. People at home used magazines like Playboy and Penthouse.
Worrying endlessly that you're an evil person or a terrible pervert could be a sign of OCD (the "doubting disease"). Please see a therapist who specializes in OCD or anxiety disorders and tell him/her. You will be surprised: your therapist won't be a bit shocked. You don't have to suffer like this. Truly evil people are not tormented by their thoughts--they think they're just fine.
I hope that with time and help you learn to let this go. You did nothing wrong. We can't control our thoughts, but we can certainly make ourselves very miserable trying to do it. Please message me if I can be helpful.
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You're right, I know that YouTube's whole model is to get my attention. That's true, the easy access is definitely a different variable, but I wish I'd realized how bad porn was as a coping tool for emotional distress. I feel as though after 3-4 hours of watching it back to back made me become desensitized to the female form, and that I might have crossed a moral line, seeing an 18 month year old as sexual, which is repellent to me and I've never ever had those thoughts. That's probably right, I've always had obsessive compulsions, and I'm seeing an OCD therapist on Thursday. Having Asperger's also exacerbates these worries.
I can't live with this guilt, but I'm weirdly committed to getting better because as much as I think that I might have 'repressed' it, all the worries and stresses in the days/months afterwards had the same OCD-ish theme, but never this. And thank you for your help and offer, I might take you up on it. My mum and brother and friends keep telling me how I 'could never' do this, but the more I've ruminated, the more my brain has built a massive image/sequence of events in my head which is hard to refute. Hopefully, this isn't the end. Thank you.
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I'm glad you're seeing an OCD therapist. That should be really helpful. My therapist used to ask me a lot, "What does your wise mind tell you?" What also helps me is asking myself: "What would I say to a friend who told me this story?" Declan, would you think your friend was a pervert? Hang in there!
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Thank you so much, I'm still scared I might've done it, as the image feels so real, and I've tended to project my worries now back to last October, but I don't remember being worried about this. I don't think I could've repressed this into my subconscious, but we''ll see how the OCD therapist goes. Thank you again so much for your help.
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Coming back later this week
I didn't see this one coming...but I should have.
I have just been discharged from the hospital
I think that its good to distance yourself from toxic people👻💀👻💀👻💀🙏
