Deadweight

[Starbrush]

Trigger warning*

So for a while now I haven’t been able to get to a psychologist, this is because of the lack of time... amongst other things. So because of this my safety net/ support system just doesn’t exist. Those that I consider my friends just haven’t said much and consistently tell me to stop if I begin telling them what’s on my mind, so I really need to let this out. I consistently get called dramatic.. this has made me internalize a lot of things as of lately and I guess they just burst after the events yesterday.. I just don’t want to be a deadweight for anyone around me. I’m trying my hardest to manage how I feel but.. it just never seems like I’ll be able to. I feel completely broken, and unable to come to terms with what has happened to me. Growing up, I dealt with a lot of older figures manipulating or gaslighting me and making me believe I was worthless. I was physically and emotionally bullied for years by both adults and peers. This made me a pretty insecure person and very vulnerable to being preyed on. When I was 8 I became groomed by a much older boy and then taken advantage of, multiple times... what makes me sick and guilty is that it wasn’t like I was resisting.. truth is I was so manipulated that I just thought that any attention and “affection” was good. In recent years I had fallen into an abusive friendship/relationship, where I was consistently gaslit and manipulated to the point that I just felt even more like a deadweight. No one around me knows everything I’ve gone through so when I start having an anxiety attack, uncontrollably hyperventilating or crying (which happens in some cases) everyone considers me “dramatic” and “unstable”. Back in middle/ highschool I “won” the “drama queen” title every single time there was such an award. I feel like such a deadweight and no matter what I do I can’t control my emotions and my brain. I am trying my best not to repeat the same mistakes as yesterday, I really am. It’s so hard not to feel worthless and let everyone’s expectations and opinions get to me. To those around me I’m just a deadweight, I don’t know what to do and I just... I’m helpless.

[CaityCat]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand how it feels. Instead of being told I’m “dramatic”, I have been told multiple times that I’m “too sensitive”. You and I and everyone else is entitled to our feelings—that does not make us too dramatic or too sensitive or too anything. It makes us human. Like you, I constantly feel like a deadweight and burden—Like it would be better if I didn’t exist.

Here’s a secret...It’s not true. I know that’s hard to believe, it’s hard for me to believe too, but no one is a deadweight or burden.

My friends have also told me before to stop telling them how I feel, when I start getting dark and fixating on death. Understand, it’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they don’t know how to help and make it better. Telling them all of these feelings makes them feel helpless too because they want so badly to help but they don’t know how or can’t.

I would suggest that you define your expectations of/for them. Maybe start off by telling them that you don’t expect them to fix you, change the way you feel, or even understand why you feel the way you do, but you just need support, someone to listen and to know that they are there for you— this might relieve some of the responsibility they feel to “fix” your situation and allow you to just talk to them.

I believe in you! 😘 If you need someone to listen open-minded, don’t hesitate to message me. 🙂