I am a new person

[misslibra_joy]

I have been feeling so miserable lately. I am 27 years living with my ex boyfriend and our 3 1/2 year old daughter. I feel like I am one big failure and I also blame my ex and having a child for not being as successful as I want to be. My relationship has been troubled for so long and I also witnessed my parents troubled relationship. I grew up seeing physical and verbal abuse. Me ex boyfriend has at one point been physical and verbal. I feel like I have turned into a monster myself. I get so angry and built up frustration turns until anger. I take it out mostly out on my ex but I also put our daughter in the middle of our problems. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I feel so bad, I feel like the worst mom to my child.

[Ashlyxo]

I have been in a similar situation. I took control of my life. It is not too late. I have started school again and got a job I loved, even though my ex didn't want me to get it. It is ok to be selfish and focus on your own life and health. The only thing I would be cautious of is putting your daughter in danger. If you feel that you will ever hurt her, seek help immediately. Otherwise, try to find ways to make changes in your life that will make YOU happy.

[misslibra_joy in reply to Ashlyxo]

Thank you for your feedback! I definitely believe it's not too late and I need to find the right help and take it step by step.

[Windy101]

You've got a lot to deal with and it sounds like a really tough time. But a 3 year old child being put in the middle of all this anger is going to wind up damaged and very possibly physically hurt. If your ex has been violent before. he is at risk for being violent again, and all that anger has to be terrifying for your daughter. If you won't get help for yourself, please do it for her by reaching out to your local women's shelter, domestic violence center, or suicide hotline. You may be very surprised at all the free or low-cost resources available to women in just your situation. No one has to stay in a house where there has been abuse, and no child has to live around so much fighting and anger. Also, your depression is not going to get better in such a negative environment. I promise you, life can be better. You do not need that kind of man in your life, and your daughter needs you to be more calm and focused on being the mom that you want to be. It's going to take courage and strength, but you can do this, for your child and for yourself. Many women have gotten themselves and their children out of similar situations. You can, too.

[misslibra_joy in reply to Windy101]

I am not trying to put a horrible spotlight on my ex, he is a great father. In the past, many years ago he at one point got physically abusive under the influence. Since my daughter came into our life he has tried to show good conduct and is always improving. I feel the past has damaged me psychologically and mentally. I decided almost two years ago that him and I will never have a loving and peaceful relationship. The damage has been done and we can work together to be the best parents. The thing is it's hard living under the same roof with him because I am a person who needs constant affection and attention. It's not like I can date and move forward. Now that we are not in any sort of love relationship it's hard to live with him and make a normal life out of it. I can not afford to live in my own yet. There are days I feel miserable and I know I am the one who has the problems. I get angry and frustrated in a matter of minutes. I take it out on my ex because I do feel the things he has done in the past has damaged me a-lot. I have also been through a lot of other things that maybe have cause damage. So it's a mixture of me feeling emotionally damaged, not being financially capable of being on my own, struggling to pay bills now, and having to be around him but not being able to get that affection. It's almost like we are co-parenting, putting up with each other because we have to, and working pay check to pay check to survive. My daughter is not neglected and is not abused. I love her more than anything in this world. She has witnessed us argue and I sometimes think I am not fit to be a parent because I can't provide more, I am struggling emotionally and financially. I have put her in-between our issues twice and I don't know the reason. I am trying to figure out what the true roots of my problem are and why I have put her in between our problems. I want to definitely grow and over come these feelings. I have contacted a counseling office to meet with a professional to help me. Thank you for your honest message, it does help to hear other peoples views.

[Windy101 in reply to misslibra_joy]

Good for you for making that counseling appointment. It sounds like you have been through a lot and could use a kind and suportive person to walk through this with you. Living with an ex has got to be extremely difficult and it's understandable that you want to move on to other relatonships. I think counseling can help you figure your way out of the situation and into a happier life. Our past can come back to haunt us, so a counselor will be helpful with that, too. You can make it - during bad times I try to tell myself that I'm just experiencing the time before things get better!

[misslibra_joy in reply to Windy101]

You've been very helpful in communicating your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it Windy101. I definitely feel I can over come this and when I do I will be fearless. My friend dowloaded this app called Headspace on my iPhone. It's a meditation tool and so far day 1 went great. I will be seeing a professional hopefully in August. So far every office I call is booked but I am not giving up hope this will all settle and I can find peace in my soul to live the healthy life I strive for. xoxo