If it is one thing that I have after almost 18 years of playing this game, it is a story or perhaps many stories. So Many chapters. What I am about to say may seem easy from the perspective of undetectable PSA and clear scans these past 10 years. I assure you that at the time there was nothing easy about it.
Letting go is a transition. It requires releasing perceived control over your life. Much like a 12 step program it requires giving that control over to a higher power. Control really is an illusion. We never had it in the first place. We are men however and many of us try to assert control over every aspect of our lives. We have a plan for what our lives are going to be. Then along comes cancer to relieve us of this illusion.
When I got the news at 42 I was scared $&!/less. I am 60 now. Still terminal!! Aren’t we all? I mean seriously…. It comes down to perspective doesn’t it? If I had been born 100 years earlier my life expectancy would have been much shorter. I may not have lived long enough to develop cancer. At least I didn’t get cancer as a child like some of these poor little kids at St. Jude.
Acceptance that we are not in control is the very first step of the transition. Once you have accepted your lack of control it becomes easier to be thankful for every single moment.
Maybe this is a form of wisdom or maybe it is just B.S. I don’t know. I just know that once I realized this disease might end my life and accepted it, it became a lot easier to live every moment of my life to the fullest. I became a better husband, a better father, better friend, and quite honestly a better man. Even in the depths of this miserable disease, there are blessings if we seek them.
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Todd1963
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So true. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. I went into a deep depression and even thought of ending my life. I was angry at myself for not being more vigilant with my health. Angry at my doctors for not insisting I take a psa test. But in the end it was my responsibility to look after my own health. After 3 months of going through a self-inflicted hell I woke up. I decided to live each day as if it were my last. I let go of all the bitterness and angry and decided to focus on all the good in my life my kids, my wife friends and family. I can honestly say that the last 3 years have been the happiest of my life. It took cancer to show me what really matters and actually live a much better life. I don't sweat the small crab that used to drive me crazy...Now I am grateful for whatever time I have left and everyday I wake up I am grateful for another day....
You continue to be a mentor for many men - thanks! I have been getting into Stoic philosophy lately. It served Greeks and Romans for about 600 years, both slaves and emperors. It teaches acceptance of things we cannot change, similar to your sage advice.
“Some things are in our control, while others are not. We control our opinion, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything of our own doing. We don’t control our body, property, reputation, position, and, in a word, everything not of our own doing. Even more, the things in our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unobstructed, while those not in our control are weak, slavish, can be hindered, and are not our own.” —EPICTETUS, ENCHIRIDION, 1.1–2
Today, you won’t control the external events that happen. Is that scary? A little, but it’s balanced when we see that we can control our opinion about those events. You decide whether they’re good or bad, whether they’re fair or unfair. You don’t control the situation, but you control what you think about it. See how that works? Every single thing that is outside your control—the outside world, other people, luck, karma, whatever—still presents a corresponding area that is in your control. This alone gives us plenty to manage, plenty of power. Best of all, an honest understanding of what is within our control provides real clarity about the world: all we have is our own mind. Remember that today when you try to extend your reach outward—that it’s much better and more appropriately directed inward.
Thanks, gentlemen. Wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice are the main tenets of Stoicism. It has served humankind well for almost 2000 years in time of peace and calamity.
Well said, the line I’ll remember is “Still terminal!! Aren’t we all?” Kind of puts things in perspective! As someone said, “being born is a death sentence”. PCa just brings us closer to that realization sooner.
Many thx - well said and done! That’s, why I do Vipassana meditation, you can read a brief overview here:
What is the cause of suffering? Suffering is caused by your mental defilements. You spend the whole life seeking the cause of suffering outside and trying to get rid of this outside cause. By the practice of Vipassana, you realize that whatever the external cause, suffering arises within yourself. Why has suffering arisen? Because you have generated a mental defilement within. As soon as you generate a mental defilement, suffering arises and you strengthen the habit of generating defilements. Such situations keep arising repeatedly and you keep generating defilements and multiplying your misery. How can you free yourself from this misery?
It is not wrong to try to get rid of the apparent external cause of your suffering. But it is more important to get rid of the internal cause. The habit of generating defilements within because of one reason or another results in the habit of remaining miserable. You wish to be free from suffering, and instead, you have developed the habit of reacting with craving and clinging to pleasant sensations and with aversion to unpleasant sensations. This habit pattern continues day and night. Even when you are in deep sleep and a sensation arises in the body-if it is unpleasant, you react with aversion; if it is pleasant, you react with craving. This continues all the time for 24 hours.
Everybody has their own opinion. From having a bad day-feeling like crap, having no energy, etc , to me is not a bonus. There are other days that are a bonus. But giving me a thumbs down is not very ladylike. 😬
Yes, I understand your perspective. Sorry if my "thumbs down" upset you. Maybe I should have used a "sad face". Some days, I feel like crap and I'm totally totally fed up with the SEs and my uncertain future. But I still see that day as a bonus and one that will lead to a day when I'll not feel crap and will instead be able to rejoice in being alive!
I always think it's a good day when I wake up breathing. 🙂👍
Accepting your mortality is the 1st step to living life to the fullest. Good 4 U.
In 2000 on my 50th Birthday I looked into the morning's mirror and thought - "I have likely lived LONGER than I have left to live and I WILL BE TOLD *you have cancer before I die.*
I let go on that morning and it was 15 years later I was told "You have GL10." The news did not rattle me because I expected the BIG C - just not PCa. Even chose a never been tried treatment. The PSMA PET last week showed something is back and biopsy will be in 4 weeks.
Life goes on so I went out last night at 10:54pm and rode my bicycle 50.05 miles recognizing that 50th Birthday when I told myself I will have cancer.
Lance Armstrong stated it this way, "there is a before cancer person and an after cancer person". I agree with you. It does change the person, and for me it was for the better. When I was 53 , the surgeon said I had10 years, that was 16 years ago.
well said , god bless you🙏 let go let god . I’ve been on the stage 4 pc trip for about 8 yrs . It is easier to not think about it than to worry about it.
thanks Todd- we’re brothers from another mother- diagnosed at 44 and just turned 60 - just got the news my scans were clear- looking back I realize how I little things get to me in spite of my blessings but now that I’ve made it this far I’m moving forward- better man/better husband/better father
We, here, might read the words with comfort that my pastor sent me this week when learning about my Gleason 9, Level 5 prostate cancer. The ADT coming in a couple of weeks may make me fatigued and mentally confused, and as a physically active author, this is daunting. It is a development I will resist. I am starting later than most at 84 years old, but know of authors in their 90s and a lady that entertained with her piano at 96k, two days before she left us. My goals, too.
"Cliff,
Thanks so much for sharing the hard news of your recent diagnosis. I will pray privately for both you and Ann as you request until such a time as you might want to share with the Fellowship.
I think you are pursuing your options well including the gym, the piano, medication, and treatment. You are a blessing and an example to me and others and I am sure the Lord will honor your desire to inspire and serve the needs of others in the years to come. Please keep me and Charlie (our other pastor) in the communication loop and let us know what we can do moving forward!
Thank you for the wisdom and the reminder that we need to be conscious of living every day to it's fullest. I have always thought about doing that but after losing my best friend to pancreatic cancer five years ago and diagnosed two years ago with prostate cancer I can say now that I do live every day like it's the last. Here's to everyone here doing the same no matter how long we blessed to live.
Yes. Great points. When I received word that my PSA was 24 and was trying to figure out how this happened (other than PCA) I took a trip, ran a marathon and spent time driving and camping in the back of my vehicle in the quiet of the desert. Came home with a firm mindset and faith that no matter what happens I will work with the hand of cards I am dealt. On return, every trip to the doc showed things getting successfully worse: PSA up to 37, then biopsy showing Gleason 8, then bone scan and CT scans showing aggressive PCA, next PSA up to 49. But I was ready. Got a good MO, into a clinical trial (PSMAddition), and got on ADT. Things are looking way better (PSA undetectable and mets way down). Sit back examine your hand of cards you have and play it with prudence and clarity and its possible to do better than expected.
TODD - Thankyou for this beautifullu written piece ! Told that I had 5 - 7 yrs at age 52, I have now been experiencing the anxiety of waiting for lab results, the failure of drugs and procedures, and the sorrowful frustration of physical change plus sexual and urine retention inadequacy for 31 years ... You would think that I could cope by now, but it hasn't changed much. Hopefully your advice will help - THANKS again !
Thank you for such a beautifully written post. So many of the comments are meaningful too. Nothing like a diagnosis of stage IV cancer to crystallize what is most important in your life. My husband was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer almost 4 years ago. We don’t spend as much time thinking about it as we did at first and instead try to make the most of our time together. My heart goes out to all of you here on this same journey. Thank you Todd for your uplifting words.
Well written Todd - very similar to how I see this journey. Perspective is everything, and the "right" perspective is the one that enables us to lead our best life under the circumstances at hand. This is the right one for me.
Very well said Todd. It a lesson not always easily learned for many if not most of us, but well worth one’s effort to master.
For me, I thought I understood well before Cancer that the only thing I have any real chance of controlling is my own attitude. But of course that assumes mental illness doesn’t compromise the will to choose one’s perspective.
Luckily for any of us not afflicted by a disease of the mind, we generally have the option to choose what attitude we’ll bring to each new day. Some days the will to choose a better attitude may be easier than others; but on the whole, if we make a consistent effort the rewards are appreciable. It’s much like exercising a muscle. The strength and stamina doesn’t arrive immediately but improves over time when effort is made consistently.
Your choice of attitude is clearly apparent and an inspiration to all of us. Thank you for sharing it here.
thank you for sharing your amazing story we all definitely need to hear stories like your. However May I please ask you advice about Zometa. How long have you been taking it and what side effects have you had. Read so many negative news on this but it looks like I will need some kind of bone medication soon Zytiga plus ADT and pred for 5 years but osteopenia has be diagnosed also fracture in spine and re accruing back bone. Any advice would be appreciated and once again congratulations on your journey.
I was on Zometa/Pamidronate Acid for about 40 months. That was far too long. The last I am aware of they are recommending no more than 2 years. Doctors tend to do a piss poor job of explaining the risks of the medication, primarily osteonecrosis of the jaw bone. They tell you to have any dental work completed prior to starting medication. What they leave fail to mention is that for the rest of your life you will never be able to have a tooth pulled or get a dental implant or have grafts or any other procedure that could expose bone. If you develope osteonecrosis the treatment is not pleasant. It’s nothing you want to go through. What they also fail to mention is that you may develop osteonecrosis whether you have dental work completed or not. In my opinion this is almost an argument in favor of bipolar, androgen therapy. BAT However, that line of treatment poses is not without it’s own risks. . This is an area where if I had to do it over again, I might look for studies of homeopathic therapies that have been peer reviewed. The bottom line is if you need a treatment you need a treatment however, I often wonder if perhaps studies are not taking into consideration men who respond well to treatment and live much longer lives. I have experienced no side effects from Zometa so far but what could happen down the road truly terrifies me..
What a fantastic reply thank you so much. It was full of informative and helpful information. I am very grateful for the time and effort you have taken. I will take everything on board you’ve mentioned. Good luck on your journey and let’s hope one day a total cure without side effects can be found.
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