9 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 PCa, PSA 571.
At that time, I spent many nights worrying about what the future would hold for my wife when I passed. Would she be OK financially, would she meet someone else who was only after her money?
All those wasted nights. On Christmas Eve my darling wife passed away from Small Cell Lung Cancer, after a year of treatment. She finished up using all the things we’d bought all those years ago for my (we thought) impending demise.
A very tough Christmas Day (which also my birthday). My fight continues against this terrible disease.
Martin
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, after four years since diagnosis, have generally built an (perhaps faulty) assumption that I will go first amongst my loved ones. I take comfort in knowing that you and your wife no doubt treasured the days you had. DougNOLA
Words are of little comfort at the moment, but to hear of this is truly sad, so very sorry to read of your wifes passing. Know one knows what the future holds for any of us. All I can say is please look after yourself, prayers sent for you and your family . As Rob posted above life can be very cruel .....
My wife has looked at my problems and stated I should not worry for her acct. she will pass before me. She feels she cannot continue if I am gone....I hate to think I may one day be in your condition with the love of my life gone....Peace and love to you.
Extending deepest sympathy over your terrible loss. Unfathomable that life should throw you such a dreadful curve ball. Know that many here hold you in their thoughts & prayers.
So sad. Christmas Eve, to lose your wife. I can just feel the heartbreak reading your post. Hopefully someday we will understand why things happen the way they do. My deepest condolences and a hug
Thank you for taking the time, especially while you are grieving, to share this sad news with us. You are teaching us a valuable lesson, which I interpret to be: Try not to over-think the future. Try to focus on enjoying today.
I am so sorry, Martin, but you wasted nothing - you are human. That you have the strength to reach out to this group to provide this post is humbling to me, and I will not forget it - it comes at a time when I need to overcome my own "what ifs". So, thanks.
To echo dougnola, I hope that you and your wife made some memories that will help get you through this difficult and unfair time in your life. - Joe M.
Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. I have similar concerns and often dreams about my wife. May you find some peace and solace in being there for her until her end, I am sure she was grateful to have you.
Oh God ! It is so very difficult to understand how life can give such a cruel blow to one's life and rob every bit of happiness- deadly cancer for both husband and wife! ; ending the life of the beloved wife so soon! ; marring the beauty of the Christmas Eve and the birthday falling on the Christmas day which otherwise could have been very special! ; taking away the hard earned wealth and virtually everything! But life should go on! Martin, I admire your courage and resolve👍.
That you will continue your fight against this terrible disease. You are not alone! We are with you. Cherish the memories of your beloved wife and let us pray for her soul! Please accept my deepest sympathies for your loss🙏.
As difficult as it is to share, you somehow give all of us the gift of realizing that we can never know what the future holds. So we must embrace the present. So sorry for your loss but your wife would have been proud of you for sharing.
I am inexpressibly sorry. Life is hard enough, why does it also have to be so harsh? And what a time for you to enter such a transition into...into what? You must grieve, and you must also know your wife wants you to keep her alive in your memory of the love and smiles you had together, saw in one another's eyes year after year, even as you had to let her go. This is when we feel most powerless, but love is omnipotent even in death, and we have ways to know this, but only as we learn, in time, to live on with our sorrow, because our love now abides with that sorrow, and is never lost.
I am sorry for your loss, its of small consideration that at least she will not have to see your eventual demise as that is something I do not wish on my wife.Its your job now to live the best life you can for the both of you .
I have a friend whose mother is dying with heart troubles the docs can't fix, and she can't communicate. Her husband is alive, and he told my friend that he was so lucky to have a good wife's love for countless years, and for him she'll never die because he will feel her being right there with him always. Its a sad time for that family, and tears have flowed, but the husband had the best answer. We can go on to live without loved ones because we do know so many do just just that, with a great memory. I know it would not be easy, but Nature just takes its course, and we have no control over that. I saw my mother live for 38 years after my dad died at 60 from melanoma. For most of that time she did very well and had more friends and happy gatherings than anyone else I have ever known. But if you had only 2 good friends they may make all the difference to how you feel about life.
I hope you soon adjust to loss soon, its what your wife would want, but let the tears flow because that is part of recovery.
I have had Pca since about 2014, but diagnosed with Psa 6.3 in 2009 at age 62 and I had an inoperable PG, and Gleason 9.
I still have a fight to get on with, maybe using Ra223 to last a few more years. I didn't manage to meet the right lady who could not leave me, so I got used to real independence about 43 years ago. I would have fared much worse if I didn't make friends along the way, and some left town for various reasons, so I made new friends. Most of these are married, but often they don't have too many friends because their family is all they have, which is fine, but they do like to see me often enough, so I don't suffer loneliness.
With luck, things may get better for you, so take good care of yourself,
Tommy, what a painful, dreadful event you have had to endure with the loss of your wife. We are here for you in the weeks ahead as you manage your life without her.
You have given her the most precious and painful gift of surviving her. So that she had you there with her, supported by your loving care for all of her days and her passing. I honor you and am holding you in your grief. May the rest of your time and life be filled with blessings and peace.
Well, I imagine you are like the rest of us humans, you would have found something to worry about anyway. It most likely connected you closer, caring for her and then in her final year. And she loved you so much more for all your care, you were her sweetheart and will always be, and into the next chapter! never ending lifeNow you need someone to take care of you. Best wishes Martin
Sorry for your loss and for your pain. Losing a loved spouse is something nobody should have to go through but that half of everyone who is in a couple will be going through at one point. Better be as late as possible. One must hope she is at rest now and in a better place.
I’m so sorry for your loss Martin. What a lesson yo have given me. Don’t waste a minute because you don’t know what lies ahead. We see the oncologist today and I was fretting.... bless you and your family❤️🙏❤️🇲🇽
Your story is heartbreaking Tom yet it has given my wife hope as your battle has lasted 9 years. I like you and many others on this site relate to how tenuous life is and how precious the time is with our loved ones. Thank you for sharing this unconsolable experience.
My sincere condolences - there is no 'fairness' in life - at least from the outside looking in.
I have often thought that my wife would last much longer than I - she's much younger and I am the one with PCa.
Yet, I am aware of some instances where the wife passed before she was 'supposed' to.
The remaining widower was caught by surprise in some cases - how could THIS be ?
There is no 'real' answer - just a bunch of suppositions.
I know ONE thing - there is longevity in my family genes. My mother is 85 and going strong. My uncle is 95 and still 'lucid', but physically done in by arthritis.
My Grandfather died at 92. Another uncle made it to 91 - and in THOSE days, there wasn't the medical equivalent of what we have today - so in terms of predictions, who knows?
My wife's parents died sooner than they should have (her mother - quickly - from unexpected colon cancer) - so I might remain behind after all is said and done, if she follows in their footsteps.
You can eat well, do all the right things and when you'd think all the bases were covered, a cancer Dx comes and upsets the apple cart.
Genetics is something we humans have a lot more 'research' to follow up on - often enough, I'd say that predictions are a fools game.
You will be flying 'solo' for awhile - perhaps forever - but do try to find some happiness somewhere - look for it - think outside of the box if need be - discover a new hobby or passion or 'finally' plug into something you never thought you would find the time to do it.
We only have ONE life to live and it would be a shame to leave this mortal coil in self pity (I'm not suggesting that you are expressing that sentiment) .
Discovery is still an option and I'm sure you have some loved ones or close friends that still have something to offer - and vice-versa.
We are spiritual beings - there IS enough evidence out there to prove it - and it doesn't ALL need to come from Religion(s).
My vocabulary is inadequate. My heart is touched by that which you have to bear.
I have heard that, "He never gives us more than we can bear". Somehow it doesn't seem that way at times.
You have to be one strong man.
One never "gets over it". We "learn to live with it" and it takes time. Time--Time with friends and time with family--time when you need to be alone--times--when you need to remember because the the memories can strengthen.
An uncle often said that he could not live without my aunt. He cared for her for years as her illness progressed. Our family expected him to perhaps follow her soon but he found new reason to live through his grandchildren and church and lived quite a few years.
It has been said that one side of my family chooses the Christmas season as the timing for their death. The one who said this chose just after noon time on the day before Christmas. He was walking and suddenly slumped dying within a minute. Why the Christmas season? Perhaps a subtle reminder that sharing their life was a gift to us?
So sorry Martin; how cruel.My own wife's sister is dying from that same disease in London right now. My wife is about to lose the only person from that time who has the same memories as her.
Keep battling the beast that we share; there is hope! I pray for you in the loss of your love.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been worrying about my husband going first. He's 11 years older and with PCa and CLL. Your message serves as a reminder of Tall_Allen's belief that mindfulness is the way to conduct every day. May God bless you.
I am a writer, Tommy...but I cannot find adequate words to soothe your aching heart. My wife and I are at almost the same crossroads. She says she won't be able to carry on if I die first, but I know she's hiding some ailments from me and I'll be the one not knowing what to do next.
But we are going to share a bigger hug tonight -- for you to carry on.
My heart goes out to you and I am so Sorry for your loss but also you should still be wished a happy belated birthday. Wish there was more anyone could say to ease your pain.
First, allow me to offer my condolences for you wife. You've had a tough journey and I can only imagine how much tougher it is losing your wife who was likely your biggest support for all those years.
I hope you realize that your posts are very helpful to me and many others in this forum. I am not a regular poster but who knows, maybe someone else will find benefit or start another conversation.
What really caught my attention was your psa of 571 because that was exactly my reading on January 22nd, 2020...and the beginning of my journey. I had a Gleason score of 9, metastases to many lymph nodes and 4 bone mets. Since then, I've been taking Firmagon monthly, had 6 infusions of Dosetaxel (along with Lapelga and Zometa) and 6 high dose radiations to my prostate (MRI-LINAC). After all of this, my PSA is down to 8.5 (and still dropping I hope) with all mets either smaller or the same.
It's been a very tough year but trying to remain optimistic. I continue to get Firmagon each month and the Zometa every three months and those side effects are like the flu for 3-4 days...chills and aches. The aches in my legs never really go away and they are accompanied by neuropathy in my toes. The problem is, every time I feel something uncomfortable, I worry that it is coming back.
Having said all that, I push myself to workout almost every day (love my Peloton) and have a very healthy diet, mostly plant based. And overall, I feel pretty good.
If you are comfortable, can you tell me what you did over the last 9 years to combat this awful disease? Lifestyle, medical, etc.
To you and all our warrior brothers, I wish you well.
Hi Greg. I was an early taker of ADT combined with Zytiga (Abiraterone) in the STAMPEDE trial. Although my PSA was high at 571, my Gleason was 4+3, but spread to a pelvic lymph node, and seven major bones (skull, shoulder, two ribs, pelvis and both femurs, plus numerous small mets).
I’ve done nothing in respect of diet or other so called therapies. I eat healthily, all meat except fish which I’m highly allergic to, and have alcohol as and when required. I take my Zytiga with a cup of fresh coffee every morning at 11 am. I’ve been kept busy running my company, but fewer hours so less stress.
Most importantly I’m a very positive person, my cancer is a nuisance but manageable. 9 years has given me hindsight - I no longer worry about ‘what if’s’, what will be will be. The dreaded feeling of driving around with a gun pointed at the back of your head which might go off at any time has pretty much disappeared thank God.
I mentor many newly diagnosed on a FB group, in particular wives and partners. My longevity goes a long way to allaying their fears of losing their loved partners. They’re only words, but mean so much at times.
Oh I am so sorry to hear this! Life really throws us some curve balls. I hope you find strength in yourself to carry on just like she would want you too. You must be a fighter to be managing your disease for as long as you have. I hope you have close friends/family to help you thru this very hard time. Prayers are being said for you.
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