I met my new Doc here in America

[FinalBossMatt]

I just got back from meeting my new Oncologist here in America. He's definitely different from my Doc in Thailand. He doesn't want to manage my cancer, he wants to kick its ass. He was telling me cancer isn't managed until it's undetectable so he said we could attack it at all sorts of different angles.

That works for me.

He also told me even though my Gleason was 7 and Prostate Cancer is normally slow moving, since I got diagnosed at Stage 4 at 42, it's aggressive.

He's going to put me through some PET scans to see the updated status of my cancer and go from there.

He might think differently when he starts tracking and managing my cancer. It doesn't matter either way though.

Interestingly I'm taking generic Xtandi. My PSA started to slowly go back up and my Thailand doctor said to double up on my prednisone to see if it helps. This Doc here said it wouldn't make a difference, so he does know his stuff but it sucks thinking this stuff might not be working for me anymore this soon. Or it may have crashed/plateaued. Who knows?

I honestly don't care.

When I worried, I was fucking OBSESSED reading a ton of shit about treatments for hours a day, for weeks on end.

That's no way to live.

Honestly, I still have the fight every day asking myself the question, "Why bother?" I think of the business I want to build, and I think of the woman back in Thailand I want to bring over here to marry.

What if it ends in 2 years? All that work for an eventual nothing. Why work to get my girl over here to America when I might die before I'm 50? Growing a business only for it to go down the tubes if I die.

Then I think, "What if it doesn't?" What if I wait and do nothing for 10 years thinking, "It's eventually going to happen, why bother?"

I think the longer existence doing nothing would be worse. Thinking, "I should have...." or "I could have....." is the worst torture for anyone to endure.

I'm doing good now having a pain free life. Sometimes I forget I even have it. Those are nice moments to have. At the same time I have to remind myself I have it. Be cautious.

That's where I think we all need to be to live with this shit and through it. Live a regular life, but always remember you got this thing with you. Don't let it control you, don't forget about it, just remember you carry it.

Bones heal, so do cuts, mental scars take a long time to go away, if they ever do. It's why I can relate to the Metallica song Confusion. It IS a war inside my head, and I will fight it every day for the next 40 years, 14,600 days if that's what it takes, and I WILL GO ON for the next 40 years too. Nothing is going to stop me from doing so.

I really HATE IT when people call this a journey. I know the reason why, and it's to soften the blow of the weight of the situation. When people say I'm on a journey, it makes my skin crawl because it makes me think of tootie fruity rainbows and gum drops and unicorns.

There's no harm in calling this a fight or a battle. I'm a trained fighter and it is what it is. Besides, the most important battles any of us face are in the heart and soul. I'm not giving up on that shit no matter what. It's something I will win.

I'm living longer than all you old farts. ;-P haha

Okay that's it. Here's the Metallica song I was mentioning.

youtu.be/ZChXK2rdr9M(Not working as expected?)

[Fightinghard]

Good attitude young fellow. If you keep on fighting, someday you might have earned the nickname old fart too. Lol

[FinalBossMatt in reply to Fightinghard]

You mean I'm not old yet at 45? OH GAWD! It's going to get worse? ;-P

Seriously though I do keep a young frame of mind. Sometimes forget I'm 45. I feel like I'm in my 20s.

Then there's days like this morning waking up after a 5.4 mile walk. OH GAWD MY BONES! haha

To be fair my dumb ass is over 300lbs so I gotta get moving out there because I can still heal like Wolverine, it just takes way longer haha.

[Magnus1964]

I have been in this fight for 28 years. Trust me, after decade you won't even think about it. You need look at each day as a gift, don't waste it. Your angry, give it up. I was diagnosed at 43, and thought my life was over. I'm now retired and love lt.

[Hidden in reply to Magnus1964]

Bravo Magnus!!👏👏👏👏👏

[FinalBossMatt in reply to Magnus1964]

Not that angry kind sir. I just get mad at myself sometimes when I overthink it. I was just on a roll since I have diarrhea of the fingers from time to time.

I bow to your bad assery for keeping on keeping on for 28 years! You're a superstar Magnus!

[Hidden]

“And nothing else matters” another mattalica song ,sandman was my favorite . You’ve got the right attitude to survive .. It is a fight for your life . 42? Wholly moley! I was 53 and I thought that I was the kid .. The initial treatments are the most crucial . I too was OBSeSsed with tmi about cancer . Who to follow? Follow professional advice . Great job finding HU . Live healthy .....first goal is to castrate you chemically ....no Psa .. I’ve been on constant adt over five years now . I’ve been clear of all signs over four years now . Go ahead and push that pc down and get in the unich zone with me and all others that have had a bit of success at riding this beast .. it ain’t no party ,it ain’t no disco ..most of us get diminished ..exercise often ,eat right and we could possible see the cure down the road .? You must tell yourself and believe that you can survive with this for decades ...please don’t listen to anyone speaking negative foolish bull about negative stats or survival rates . We have many here that have surpassed Drs predictions . Yah A journey? That’s one way to put it . A hellacious bumpy ride until you get on top of it .. then it’s a waiting game for the inevitable return of the pc . This is a battle of self for me . I fought hard to stay “ the man” “ in charge” didn’t like living without testosterone .. I wanted to jump offa Cliff many times my first few years . I was angry at my self for going into stage #4 at 53.. don’t hate yourself . Accepting the new you will take time ..Your youth should give you the strength to deal with whatever comes your way .. I’m on your side . I think that you can push it away ... Be proactive! You’ve got this ! 🙏💪

[FinalBossMatt in reply to Hidden]

Yeah you are right about the initial treatments. The urologist who first did the operation to stop the production of testosterone did a great job and even though I was optimistic he did keep my attitude in check too. I asked him, "How long do I have?" and he told me to completely disregard thinking like that or what I read online. He said just focus on "quality of life" and I'll be okay.

He was also funny as hell. When he first gave me my hormone medicine I asked him if I needed a prescription for it. He smiled and said, "In other countries yes. In Thailand, no problem," and proceeded to laugh. hahaha

Dude was the best.

Oh, and I don't think there will be a cure in my lifetime, but I'm sure we're close to something that retards the growth and keeps it subdued. I've said from the start. I'm controlling it. It's not controlling me.

[Hidden in reply to FinalBossMatt]

The uro was right by telling you that . You are such a young man . Anything is possible with medical advances in the next ten years . I agree! It’s better to ride it’s back then let it ride over us .

[Magnus1964 in reply to Hidden]

Eloquently said. Do all you can for yourself, diet, excersise, suppliments, etc.

[E2-Guy]

Well written post Matt; however, sorry that you've become a member of this exclusive club! I believe with your attitude you will conquer. BTW, where in Thailand were you living? I have been in Naklua (Wongamat Beach) for 15 years shortly after I had that worthless gland yanked out at UCI. IMO, that song sucks! My best, Ron

[FinalBossMatt in reply to E2-Guy]

Some people have no taste in music. It's okay. ;-P

I lived in Bangkok for 6 years.

[E2-Guy in reply to FinalBossMatt]

Looking forward to meeting you when you are finally able to return to Thailand. I don't visit doctors ever since I started using E2 gel two and a half years ago. I just go to our government hospital for my blood tests.

[FinalBossMatt in reply to E2-Guy]

Like I said in my ranty ranterson moment I do have a good woman over there that I want to marry. When things get less stupid and people don't have to come in to Thailand as if I'm going to Fantasy Island, I will be heading over there to ask her to marry me.

Or if the stupidity continues I could have a "secret trip" to Taiwan or maybe Malaysia if that's easier.

[Hidden in reply to FinalBossMatt]

Hold on to true love brother 💪

[Jrb12]

All medicine works until it doesn't. I have been thru xtandi and it worked great for awhile, then zip. My best advice get a Genome test. That helped identify a protocol that may work. The new medicine is working for me until it doesn't. Good luck.

[MateoBeach]

And it is LIFE that goes on in the meantime! Welcome to the fight. It is honorable. Winning is living your own life to the fullest each day.

[j-o-h-n]

You're going to get married? In your own words " It's why I can relate to the Metallica song Confusion. It IS a war inside my head"

A word from the wise to the wise is sufficient.....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Thursday 10/08/2020 10:25 PM DST