I just got back from meeting my new Oncologist here in America. He's definitely different from my Doc in Thailand. He doesn't want to manage my cancer, he wants to kick its ass. He was telling me cancer isn't managed until it's undetectable so he said we could attack it at all sorts of different angles.
That works for me.
He also told me even though my Gleason was 7 and Prostate Cancer is normally slow moving, since I got diagnosed at Stage 4 at 42, it's aggressive.
He's going to put me through some PET scans to see the updated status of my cancer and go from there.
He might think differently when he starts tracking and managing my cancer. It doesn't matter either way though.
Interestingly I'm taking generic Xtandi. My PSA started to slowly go back up and my Thailand doctor said to double up on my prednisone to see if it helps. This Doc here said it wouldn't make a difference, so he does know his stuff but it sucks thinking this stuff might not be working for me anymore this soon. Or it may have crashed/plateaued. Who knows?
I honestly don't care.
When I worried, I was fucking OBSESSED reading a ton of shit about treatments for hours a day, for weeks on end.
That's no way to live.
Honestly, I still have the fight every day asking myself the question, "Why bother?" I think of the business I want to build, and I think of the woman back in Thailand I want to bring over here to marry.
What if it ends in 2 years? All that work for an eventual nothing. Why work to get my girl over here to America when I might die before I'm 50? Growing a business only for it to go down the tubes if I die.
Then I think, "What if it doesn't?" What if I wait and do nothing for 10 years thinking, "It's eventually going to happen, why bother?"
I think the longer existence doing nothing would be worse. Thinking, "I should have...." or "I could have....." is the worst torture for anyone to endure.
I'm doing good now having a pain free life. Sometimes I forget I even have it. Those are nice moments to have. At the same time I have to remind myself I have it. Be cautious.
That's where I think we all need to be to live with this shit and through it. Live a regular life, but always remember you got this thing with you. Don't let it control you, don't forget about it, just remember you carry it.
Bones heal, so do cuts, mental scars take a long time to go away, if they ever do. It's why I can relate to the Metallica song Confusion. It IS a war inside my head, and I will fight it every day for the next 40 years, 14,600 days if that's what it takes, and I WILL GO ON for the next 40 years too. Nothing is going to stop me from doing so.
I really HATE IT when people call this a journey. I know the reason why, and it's to soften the blow of the weight of the situation. When people say I'm on a journey, it makes my skin crawl because it makes me think of tootie fruity rainbows and gum drops and unicorns.
There's no harm in calling this a fight or a battle. I'm a trained fighter and it is what it is. Besides, the most important battles any of us face are in the heart and soul. I'm not giving up on that shit no matter what. It's something I will win.
I'm living longer than all you old farts. ;-P haha
Okay that's it. Here's the Metallica song I was mentioning.