The other day I was talking to my wife while we were returning from the Mayo after a vertebroplasty procedure to repair a cracked T12 vertebra, when I mentioned our up coming vacation and holidays. My wife said I haven’t had time to think about them, because I’ve been thinking you and trying to get you well.
It struck me at that moment how much this disease affects our caregivers and the stress it puts on them. They accompany us to appoints, do additional work around the house when we are not able, make sure we are comfortable and take our meds. They truly are the unsung hero’s in the fight against this disease.
So to everyone please say thank you and give your care giver a big hug today and let them know what their care means to you! You are the reason we fight this disease so hard.
Written by
Jackpine
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I know I inadvertently didn’t appreciate what my wife was going though!! I thought “this is my problem” and these were some of my mistakes.......
Back story;
I love them all BUT her family are drama queens and chronic gossipers!! Seems as though, many of our social friends are as well!!! This and the fact that I feel that PCa is one the most emasculating thing that can happen to a man, caused my decision to insist on keeping my dx very private and not tell anyone except those absolutely necessary.
As my side effects worsened to include my mind, with things like, not recognizing people I knew, not being able to come up with spontaneous conversation, loosing my train of thought in the middle of a sentence and add that to anxiety attracts and emotional meltdowns, caused me to become somewhat of a recluse.
We didn’t see our friends or much family for months!! We’re both 63 so we would go shopping during the day when people our age were at work, go to different restaurants too so I wouldn’t run into them etc.....
My wife and I have done mostly everything as a couple (for 46 years) so, thus, the torture for her!!! I unknowingly, put he in some sort of prison.
This happening through the winter months (which in hindsight, likely added to my depression) made it worse! She couldn’t go out and do yard work and stuff like that!!!
Also about that time, I found HU / Malecare to bitch, comment & complain and no longer did any of that with her so, if she didn’t ask about anything, we didn’t even talk about my cancer between ourselves! So now I unknowingly, added solitary confinement to her sentence!!!
What an a$$hole.......right?!!!!!
Add this to the fact that her brother-in-law has cancer (much worse because of the drama thing) so her sister was constantly venting on her and she couldn’t say anything about her situation!!
It got to the point where she just about begged me for us to get together with some friends. Coaching me “you can do it”. Started prodding, short of nagging, which is not her!!! I heard her on the phone turning down an invitation and the disappointment and tone of her voice was a slap in the face!!!
It was at that point where it started to dawn on me what I was putting her through. I insisted that she go out with friends alone, but she wouldn’t. She said “they’ll want to know why....” and she was right, again!!! So, being joined at the marital hip, but standing fast with my decision for privacy, I expanded my “circle of trust” and after I made them pinky swear, we started confiding in a few very close friends (not the chatty ones above).
Being someone who’s never been afraid to speak my mind, but I’ve have never really been one to beat my own drum. So doing so now, especially regarding the topic was more difficult than I anticipated and my ADT emotional meltdowns made it impossible. However, my knowing that I was sort of taking a bullet for her was quite the inspiration!!! Its no longer about me. So instead of making a complete jackass out of myself time and time again for friend after friend, I limited my conversations regarding what was going on, the nitty gritty about my condition what I’m going through, to e-mails so the ugly scene could be behind the curtain of electronics!! So when we did get together, it was easy to get the elephant out of the room and it went well!! Now on to groups!!!! If things are stopping you, find a way!!!
She now had a few people that she could vent to!!
We continue to expand on this as best I can or as she’s not so reluctant to push me!!
So, despite my mistakes, I can advise other men, to keep in mind that she is going through EVERYTHING that you are feeling and more. When you’re dead, you’re just dead....... she only gets to be alone!!!!
Yup, bawling my eyes out and still punching myself in the face but I can’t undo it!
That was Jim.... don’t be a Jim!!!! HUG & ASK HER / HIM “TODAY”, “RIGHT NOW” (if you’re lucky enough to have them with you) IF THEY’RE ALRIGHT AND WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM!! REPEAT DAILY (at a minimum).
Awesome post and one that I know relates to many in this battle!! Your post will be a great reminder to me and others to make sure we make sure our loved ones mean to us.
Thanks for sharing this story and give your wife a huge hug from all the fighters!
Today is my wonderful wife and caregiver’s 60th birthday! I bought her beautiful flowers and planned a nice dinner with the kids tonight. Somehow based on how my treatments are going I feel like I may not be here on her next birthday so I want to make today special.
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