How To Communicate this “Bad News?”

[KingRasP]

Hello all, Our Oncologist called me and told “severe, advanced progression of boney mets.” ( Pet Scan results ).

Tomorrow we see the Radiologist. I haven’t said any thing to my husband. ( don’t want to tell him via phone)

I have always been pragmatic and honest with him but I need to ask a few ?, I am struggling with what to do and how to do it!!!!

(1) Would you want to know results before your Radiologist Oncologist’s office visit?

(2) How would you like to be told?

(3) His boney pain has markedly improved with new pain management.

I know we are looking at possible radiation. I am a little concerned, his last radiation upon Dx 7 years ago was horrible. He said no radiation ever, but when pain was a challenge , he was amenable to radiation.

Currently he is on Zytega, Xgeva, Trelstar, Prednisone for Ca.

Thanks for your suggestions. 💚🙏🏽💚

PS: You can be honest.

[Hidden]

Crazy news, but not really out of the ordinary for this crooked pathogen APC.. truth sooner the better, good the Boney Pain isn’t bad. That’s what we want to hear. Don’t be discouraged completely . Another obstacle.. It needs to be beaten back again.Im sending prayers for you both to be close in love no matter what. Don’t let “ your love” get too far down. That’s easy to say. One bad word but especially an down turn or any new bad development can be demoralizing.. I’m hovering in a OK status right now..but we all await the dreaded return of this animal in side.. it never really goes away, just sits in hiding lurking for an opportunity. That said. This is the expected trajectory of APC. I’ve seen here others get those eradicated. He can too. I’m sorry for this traumatic Medical lifestyle that we are in.. May god give you both the strength to endure whatever it takes to clear the scans once again.. everybody just keep loving each other and strap on the seat belts.. what a ride................

[KingRasP in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much Lulu700

[Hidden in reply to KingRasP]

Seems that at times that we are just fleas on the back of the dog. Along for the ride as long as we can hang on .. The suffering from treatments takes time to heal .. as you know. It’s no pleasure Cruise... I pray for the fog to lift and to get to better spot . Much love to you and Family. 🌈

[KingRasP in reply to Hidden]

Aww thank you Lulu700, sometimes the kind words make it seem so much easier.

[Heidabelle]

I’m so sorry to read of your current situation, but thank you for sharing. I cannot say I have experience in this department but I feel honesty is always the best policy. Face to face. The sooner the better. And keeping a strong outlook while presenting the “news” is probably best for the receiver. I’m most likely no help here but I can definitely send you all the best, lots of love, & positive thoughts. Take it slow. ~ heidi

[KingRasP in reply to Heidabelle]

Heidabelle, thank you for your comforting words.

[Dr_WHO]

God Bless you and all caregivers! Getting bad news over the phone is about the worst. We got a call at 10PM, when we were already sleeping, where the doctor not only told me I had cancer, but that it was advanced. He used a lot of words that I never heard of or understood what it meant. Words like Gleason 8, advanced, Ductal, bone and CT scans. He then hung up the phone. Hard to fall asleep after that.

On the other hand I never would want information held from me. But there are ways to break news. Instead of repeating “sever advanced progression of bone mets”, you can say that there were things on the scan that the doctor stated he/she needs to talk to us about. The issue is that you do not know what the doctor meant by that phrase. You could not tell your husband what that phrase means. By leaving it a bit open you would give him advanced warning without making him worry.

I am sorry that he had issues with radiation. (I had 38 rounds.) Please let him know that they have made a lot of advances in the last seven years. There are also other advances, like Radium 223, which he may be able to take. Again, emphasis on that things have changed for the better over the last 7 years.

Again, God Bless you and all caregivers. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders but you have to be strong for us. Please know that there probably is not a best way to share bad news. But you are human. Do not worry about finding the best way. Just be true to youself and your husband.

We are all with you. Hopefully others can offer other suggestions. Remember, we got the two of you! After all people like us we have to stick together!

[KingRasP in reply to Dr_WHO]

Oh Dr-_WHO so so sorry for the insensitivity of that Doctor. Thanks your for your counsel.

[Hidden in reply to Dr_WHO]

Wisdom as always. Dr_who , we expect no less...

[Beermaker in reply to Dr_WHO]

This is the approach I would take - give the very basic news but plead ignorance about all the details and what they mean. And it is the one I hope my wife would take.

If he does not want any more radiation, the Radium 233 is probably a good approach. There are other drugs that can help, and other therapies. Your team should be able to help. Ra233 has many good reports.

Do you have a Medical Oncologist? A Radiation Oncologist may not be up to date on all of the newer treatments. I have a MO and a PA Urologist who help me negotiate the ACP highway. So far so good. If I need radiation I can always add one.

Good luck!! We are all on your side, many of us praying for you.

[Chiquis]

Dear KingRasP,

I feel for you. I understand isn't easy for you. No one knows your husband more then you, so do what you know will be best for him. In my case, I know my husband would like to hear it from me face to face. I pray for both of you.

I send you a hug🙏💛

[KingRasP in reply to Chiquis]

Yes Chiquis I know he would prefer a face to face dialogue.

[Hidden]

There’s no sugar coating these things... so sorry , but this is not the end by any means.. He can survive this too.. Hang in there!☘️

[KingRasP in reply to Hidden]

You guys give me such hope! Thanks Lulu700

[stdcdabci]

Just a thought: since you know the news, and your his confident and partner, I think it best you not let him be slammed with obvious bad news by the doc. You somehow have to prepare him, even if it means giving him some basic benign news, to prepare him for the doctors worse case scenario stuff they inevitably bring up. Love to you both and somehow you’ll get through this like others have before you, Stan AZ

[KingRasP in reply to stdcdabci]

Thank you ever do much stdcdabci.

[JamesAtlanta]

I would want to know. That would give me time to get my thoughts together for the conversation with the doctor, maybe do some research. If you are hit cold, you can be disoriented and miss the opportunity to get everything out of the discussion with the doctor.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you both. Please let us know how we can help.

James

[KingRasP in reply to JamesAtlanta]

Thank you JamesAtlanta, your words of encouragement, they are a great help.

[Hidden]

It's always hard to learn of disease progression which we are all facing. It's best to talk in person and preferably not at night before bedtime so as to get good sleep. It's also harder to deal with things when you are tired. Make sure to give lots of support, hugs etc. It's what we all need going through these things. We do get through them, lot's of love and support makes it easier.

[KingRasP in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your insights gregg57.

[j-o-h-n]

I wish I could give you some advice but only you know your husband best...So I have faith in you and that you'll find the proper time and way...

Good Luck and Good Health.

j-o-h-n Friday 03/09/2018 9:41 PM EST

[KingRasP in reply to j-o-h-n]

Thank you j-o-h-n.

[larry_dammit]

I would recommend in person, my wife was with me at every appointment, great support as I zoned out after they said stage 4. She heard everything and has been great , we got her a councilor to help her as well. Bottom line is that tell him. Don’t delay he might surprise you 🙏

[KingRasP in reply to larry_dammit]

Thank you larry_dammit.

[DFZ4835]

I want to know what is going on with my cancer. Good news or bad I deserve to know. I agree it is better for you to tell him in person than over the phone. What ever you don't do it in a text. Tell him please don't keep it a secret.

I will pray for your family.

Dennis

[KingRasP in reply to DFZ4835]

Thank you so much, all the great counsel was noted and we spoke in person about changes. He is on radiation and pain has been better controlled....And the sun is out today.