When darkness sucks you in

When darkness sucks you in

To day was one those day where the weather was perfect, 28 ' And here I am driving around doing patient visits,  the flowers are blooming  the fresh aroma of spring filled me with hope of having a good day, but for some stupid reason I felt a a good bout of depression coming on I never felt or ever had any of these before starting ADT.but I noticed that longer I was on it the more  the more it crept  in. I am no longer on ADT finish taking Bach  in Feb 2015. But I still get this god god awful black cloud that just pops into too my head. So I pulled over at this river I go to every once while it's running really high because because of the heavy heat we had this week.. But anyway. As I was sitting watching the water flow by. the sun was starting to set for the day behind the mountain , as I sat there the most incredible show was about to happen 

And as I watched it was incredible. With a second. tought. I ran up to my truck and grabbed my camera standing there I could feel the darkness in my mind leaving ,by the time I got back it was starting too change. So fired a couple shots. Not the best photo in the world but worked better than any pill I could take .. Hope you all enjoy. We are all on differ paths  in our journey. ,and when your feeling beaten down, find a river to suck all the black energy out of you. . I am a six year cancer g8 survivor and I refuse to let cursed disease defeat  me. Hang it there This is the Goat river in Creston b.c.  

16 Replies

  • I also have times when the darkness closes in on me, and the shadows that surround me seem ever-closer.      I've suffered from major depression all of my life, and then add to it the fact that I have incurable metastatic cancer, and top it off with the hormonal disturbances caused by both the medication and having had both chemical castration and then actual castration---a bilateral orchiectomy---and it causes very deep depression and despair at times.

    But I tell myself "it's only temporary," and wait for it to pass.     Fighting depression isn't easy, but it's a part of what is happening to me, and unavoidable.

    Years of depression taught me how to deal with it; to sublimate with music, listening to it or playing piano, and concentrating on whatever is going well in my life at the time.     

    And when we see a scene of breathtaking beauty, such as the photo you included, it makes us think of how small we are in the universe, and how our own existence is just a brief moment in the scheme of things.       And I feel it more keenly, with a life-limiting disease---it underscores the fact that I won't be around very much longer to enjoy such beauty.


  • On all the PC support groups I post on there's one common thing I noticed ,you mention depression and it's treated like it's tabu to discuss it,or members suggest it isn't relevant to prostate cancer and consider posting on a depression support site. When in essence it is a very common symptom or side effect of living with PCa. Most commonly associated with side effects of ADT. When I was first diagnosed the worry and shock of hearing I now have cancer was tough to digest, but once I started on ADT the despair and feeling of hopelessness slowly started creeping in every month intensifying to the point I would become practically immobilized with no interest in anything or anyone including my wife and family,feeling devoid of the ability to enjoy life .Thankfully I was able to climb out this dark hole with help from GP and antidepressants. A majority  of men going through hormone depleting therapy, experience depression and suffer silently being fearful of the perceived stigma associated with depression. I my self worried that if anyone knew how I was mentally feeling it would affect how friends,family,employer would think of me. Being lost in your own mind is a lonely place. 

    Thank you Eric for your sharing your struggle with depression. I still struggle with it on a daily basis and like you find the strength to dig myself out and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.

  • Thanks so much for sharing. My honey is getting ready to start ADT therapy and radiation . I want to help him through this in every way possible and this is the first time I read about this side effect from a personal standpoint. Your photo is beautiful and my guess is you are a pretty awesome guy to care enough to share. Thanks.

  • Yecart1977 

    I wish your husband the best on his pending treatment, how long will he be on ADT, once he reaches testosterone castrate level <20 if I remember right, can have some pretty heavy effects on physical and emotional health, not all men respond this way, but a certain number of us do. One minute were a normal robust testosterone fired male ready to conquer the world and then with the push of a needle we become a deflated balloon no energy, no libido, emotionally devoid of feelings. It's difficult to explain, one fellow told me his analogy was when hugging his wife it was no different than hugging a sack of potatoes. I new exactly what he ment but to explain that  analogy to my wife was impossible. Please understand this is in no way an absolute, just my experience, exercise, proper diet and a loving compassionate partner what more could do we possibly need.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Every day I open my eyes is a good day , when I stand up ,its even better

  • @yecart1977 It's been awhile since I posted, how are things going, with your husbands treatment hope he's handling it ok.. If your have any questions I more than happy to help if I can. Hope you're both doing well.

  • Thanks so much for asking.... It can be a very lonely world with pc.

    Yesterday he had his markers put in for radiation which should start the first of July.

    He has been on Eligard and Casodex for about 6 weeks! Just started having some side effects two weeks ago. Mild fatigue, hot flash , and mild joint pain and lack of libido.

    He is getting a CT scan on Tuesday for a spot on his pancreas which they found on his bone scan a month ago. They want to be sure it is nothing to worry about... So of course we are worring a little. We understand that cysts are common so we are hopeful that is all it is.

    Truly love reading all the posts..... Educates, awareness and makes you feel not alone.

    To anyone who might read this post.... Stay positive, laugh and enjoy the moment you are in!!!!

    God Bless


  • His post surgery numbers looked pretty good so hopefully with the ADT and RT will knock it down even more . With me the flashes became so unbeatable I couldn't sleep, so I got my to write me a script for gabapentin it helped alot for me anyway. The fatigue we went with modafinil also worked well. But later my BP started rising not from the modafinil more likely from my adrenal system being so out of wack because of the ADT. I also managed to maintain a regular resistance exercise routine nothing extreme just 15. Minutes in the morning and evening working every muscle group to try and maintained tone and strength. It was a real challenge for me because. Of severe fatigue but managed to keep with it. Didn't build any extra muscle actually lost some but kept every toned it helps, to help with the weight also. Joint pain was also helped from this. RT should go with out to many problems, the worst for me developing a bad case of proctitis about my forth week into it but no pun intended managed to get it under control with Procto Foam a hydrocortisone. Based product. Don't get wound up over the pancreatic cysts probably nothing, I had a scan a few months back and discovered a few cysts on my kidneys turn out to be benign. Best wishes going forward and keep u p your health.

  • Thanks for your perspective! Scary going into this but so hopeful! How can one word "cancer" so change your life. Some of our greatest frustrations is friends and family and aquaitences ... Prostate cancer is nothing to worry about.......oh I don't wish anybody to be in our shoes but if they were for a short time they would see the long drawn out horrors and the horrible uncertainties ... But through it all we rejoice in each minute -and moment we have!

  • Thanks for the share. It is a very accurate description of what happens to us when we have one of the dark days. The idea of a dark cloud or a screen that comes over us is so real and well put. 

    I have been on ADT for 7 years and kept track of them. I had only about one day every three months and never two days in a row. I am faced with financial uncertainty right now with the prospect of having to sell a house, downsize drastically and go to a rental. Suddenly the dark days are here more frequently. I know it is situational and will pass but I understand what you are saying. 

    The least helpful think is when those around you say "just get over it" or "things are not so bad" or "you have plenty to be thankful for". They just do not understand how the dark cloud works and consumes your thoughts. 

    The biggest problem of all of this on this and all other prostate cancer sites is that men are not willing to talk about their feelings. They are great about talking about their disease but rarely how they are really doing. 

  • DenDoc how are you making out,

  • Men still being macho .Not supposed to show weakness, be stoic..That's bologna! Most men without APC are scared to even hear about it..So only those that have PC can relate completely..Any one with any form of "C" but especially any advanced cancer can relate..to us...The depression ,anger ,and mood swings are there waiting for me close by.. 2yrs on this train and my hope is that with time I will adapt..I have no choice..Like my urologist said " I never promised you rainbows and butterflies.He saved my life but had no bedside manners. I'm around others with other cancers and I can tell you none of it is nice.Im glad that I don't have other forms such as lung or colon.Thats a lot of suffering.Buddist believe that life is suffering, so here we are fulfilling our part.In my case I was never seriously ill in 53 yrs so I considered myself lucky. Keep the faith..

  • I am doing pretty well but finding it very hard to let go of "my stuff". Selling or giving away things that were important to me all the way back to my childhood has been hard. Especially difficult was throwing out my many files from my career, even though I have not looked at them. It reminded me of the movie, "About Schmidt", where he sees his files in the dumpster when he goes back to the company he worked for his entire career.

    I have finally scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to at least talk about what I am feeling. That has been hard for me since I have always prided myself in being able to solve my own problems.

    I have put my prostate cancer on the back burner until I see my oncologist in August when this will all be done. Perhaps I can be more open to his recommendations since my PSA is slowly rising and is now about 1.5. It was yet another change in my life which I could not handle in April. Meanwhile I had a credit card number stolen, two more good friends with bad diagnoses, etc. so it just keeps piling up.

    Thanks for asking and following up.

  • I've felt like Linus with the cloud following me everywhere for 2yrs..Or "Murphey's law" if anything "can " go wrong it " will" go wrong.When your self talk is "I'm screwed" You are.. I'll try to keep my train from derailing or going off the cliff.. Hope you do the same.

  • DenDoc Its been 7 years I gave away everything I would normally hang on to, A lot of. Memories, my health was going down hill, I was self employed had a very good restoration business for 25 years after my wife passed I decided to move on, shut down the business sold the house moved on west. On moving day I had a garage of boxes full of all the sentimental things we gathered over the years. I was sitting there looking at all this STUFF through I knew I would never look at or use again. I called up a charity I knew and told them to came a get. I haven't looked back since. Peace of mind it felt good. In fact iam still burning company files, Iam on the last batch the end of a twenty five year chunk of my life. I grab a bottle of vino sit buy the fire and tost the years passed. One thing I still have is my independence and when it comes right down to it, that's all I really need. Seeking help to understand or make sense of what's happening to you right now it is a positive step forward , keep looking forward and don't look back.

  • I had depression for many years that finally drove me to counseling. I unloaded a lot of anger and grief. That was years ago. I'm glad I took advantage of that.

  • Beautiful foto.Must be good fishing..I too live and immerse myself in nature.

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