Today was a really hard day. I knew my wife and son didn't really connect with the issues that I deal with on an everyday basis. ADT can really fuck you up. Sorry for the foul language, but I'm at a loss as to what to do. I keep getting told it's because I drink, but we all do here. I try not to booze it up too much, but sometimes it happens.
I'm six plus years now into this fiasco, and I get blamed for my emotional outbursts. Of course I am supposed to control myself, right, I'm Dad. But, I can't. I continue to ask my wife when we can talk serious, and there is never a good time.
But, if no one ever talks to you anyway, when is a good time?
I know exactly what you're going through, and I feel for you. It's so hard to deal with this---not only are we dealing with the depression of having prostate cancer and affecting our sexual function, but also the hormonal disturbances really contribute to our emotional roller coasters.
And many individuals don't want to even hear about the negative experiences and emotions that we go through, friends and family sometimes don't understand, as you've experienced.
At least here you have others going through the same thing, and you aren't alone in what you're not the only one. We are in the same boat.
I can't even drink, with my pain meds, so I just have to try to cope during my bad times, and don't have anyone to talk to----I live alone----and my friends don't like hearing about them, but they like hearing it when I have some progress or good news, though.
ADT is certainly a real pain and can take us to previously unknown places both emotionally and physically. Two strategies that I adopted that certainly helped were, firstly, increasing my exercise program to include some gym work and secondly to provide my wife ( and son ) with some relevant reading materials designed for partners/ families by placing them at strategic locations around the house such as on the Kitchen Table. Above all of this, identify that it is the ADT that takes you to these places, acknowledge this fact and don't beat yourself up. Yes I do also enjoy a drink or two. Good luck.
It can be really lonely. I am the wife, and deal a bit with the opposite, I want to talk about real issues and things.
As far as people around, well, I have to practice reminding myself about all of us human beings, and, mostly about people who are not inclined to be givers.
So many disappeared from my life. Many people are afraid of 'cancer'... they try to distance themselves.
It's a rough road, the hardest road I've traveled.
I'll just share what I know about myself and my life. I am greatly loved, even if I don't feel it. Each moment changes for me. I practice letting my emotions and thoughts keep moving.
You aren't alone my friend.....
There's a joke I saw recently.
The LIFE you ordered is out of stock... it made me laugh....
Almost all of my friends are gone from life, too. It's either the cancer or the bad mood from ADT. I have one friend who sticks by me through thick and thin, as well as my loving wife. (I feel for the caregivers.) God speed!
Flyingphil nailed part of it on head, you have to look after you body physically with healthy diet and exercise. adt plays havoc with us, I lost so much muscle while on ADT I felt like I had the strength of a wet noodle. And the fatigue was brutal, so much so that it started affecting my emotional dimension of health. I did and still suffer from depression that dark hole where you just just don't give dam and feel there's no way out. Alcohol and depression do not mix it only intensifies it and feeds on your already diminished emotional state . Yes I drink but only when I feel I can handle it and away from my wife I don't have kids. I find absorbing myself in something I enjoy in my case photography I call this my spiritual therapy, it allows me to experience the world around me and focus ( no pun intended ) on the simple beauty of the world around me. And not worry about negative things. My wife to this day still does not grasp how this destruction of my inner self affects how I think and feel. She is severely frustrated and a bit depressed because I don't show her much attention any more. It's not that I don't want to, it's because I don't feel anymore. Kind of hard to explain its like my sense of touch is disconnected from my brain. I guess you have to find a way to let her and your son know it has nothing to do with them. your brain is haveing trouble trying to adjust to all the adrenal and hormonal insufficiencies that's happening from the dam adt. Add on top of this the stress associated with having cancer. Don't beat your self up accept the fact this is the new normal and take each day as a blessing knowing that you are here today and your wife is the love of your life and your both fighting this and it should be a common goal and take each day as it comes.
Every day I open my eyes is a good day when I stand up its even better.
I am sorry that you've had a bad day. I believe the most important thing you can do when you make a mistake is to treat yourself with compassion as a necessary first step. Using words like "I'm supposed to..." can lead to unhelpful self-recrimination and a downward spiral of guilt, depression, and more of the same. Society places a lot of pressure on us men to be the Rock, the Provider, the Strong One. I don't think that's helpful. The strongest men I know are the ones who have learned to be vulnerable and unashamed to ask for help in the face of adversity. Real men are allowed to cry, too.
Of course, this does not excuse one from fearlessly acknowledging and making amends for hurtful behavior towards others, but acknowledging your frailties and imperfections is a powerful statement. It means you're human, in every sense of the word.
I hear the hurt in your post, and I understand. Most of us here are trying to adjust to our "New Normal," and for some, the goalposts keep getting moved before we're even halfway there, and on an on.
Please- let everyone know- especially yourself, that we're all doing the best we can. Nobody but the most hardened psychopath wakes up in the morning deliberately planning how to make life miserable for others.
To me, you just sound like any guy in trouble, learning how to live with a life-threatening illness and all the discomfort that comes with it.
If what you're doing now isn't working for you, then force yourself to do something different, something life-affirming. I am a runner- a very slow, out of shape runner, but I lace up my shoes and get out there as much as I can because it has helped preserve my sanity many times during my journey so far. Maybe the best you can manage right now is a walk around the block. Try a walk in the woods. Try turning off the TV (maybe even keeping it off), making a nice cup of tea and listen to your favorite music in a darkened room. Come here and vent. We can't fix what's wrong, but we can listen.
Allow yourself the bad days, and celebrate the good ones.
I walked with my brother and he would dismiss me regularly because I could not relate. But I kept coming back because I loved him. Let your family love you in their way. No one has a map to figure out this path. Do not allow the darkness to hide the light of love
ADT places your emotions right on the surface. I try to meditate twice a day for a few minutes and like many on the board I excercise. I've been on and off ADT for 15+ years, it does get easier. Hang in there.
I'm afraid that some of you have missed the point---it's a relationship problem with a man and his family that cannot be solved by running or walking.
He cries out for understanding here because he can't find it at home, and he's not the first individual who I've encountered with this problem. Many individuals still see prostate cancer as a slow-growing "old man's" disease, which doesn't need treatment, and isn't serious. Others are afraid about cancer, almost like it's contagious, and don't like to talk about it. Sometimes friends and family avoid those of us with advanced cancer and it hurts deeply.
I've found that others admire me when I overcome the adversities that I face, but don't really want to hear about the setbacks, which are inevitable. It's difficult to face this alone, and I just don't talk with anyone when I'm going through the worst times.
Alcohol won't help---it's a depressant and frequently makes bad situations worse.
I used to be a heavy drinker, and gave it up more than a decade before the cancer, and my life has been better without alcohol.
Counseling would help, I see a psychologist at the cancer center regularly, and when I'm too ill to see him in person we have phone sessions. It's an essential part of my treatment. And the online support groups are also very helpful---at least we know that others are going through the same thing, and no matter how bad things are, there is always someone worse off than we are.
It is all so difficult. My husband is going on 8 years with Stage IV. At the beginning we found ourselves numb and in a daze. We would often drink but soon found out it didn't help. He still has to remind me at times what he is going thru. I want us to be like we were and there are times it feels that way. Then something happens that throws it in our face that this is our new normal. He is not the same guy, but he is still my guy. You have to sit them down and explain how you feel. Hand them the material and ask them to read it. Share with them this site. This site has made it easier for me to understand what my husband is going thru. My husband has explained what he is going through with both of our sons so they have a better understanding. They are older and don't live with us. Like Genie most of our friends have disappeared. He tires easy, he is always in pain and he moves slower, but he walks daily and finds enjoyment outside. Please take care.
Oh, yes, ChuckBandChar, how very right you are. All of us wish that our lives would be the same as before the cancer, but cancer is a life-changing experience, both for the patient and for his loved ones. And yes, most of my friends also disappeared, and I have no immediate family, so I find myself alone much of the time. I also have a few new friends, especially some online friends who have been so very supportive.
The lack of communication and understanding is so sad, and we can only try to increase cancer awareness by sharing our experiences.
Our lives are forever changed, and we can only try to live from day to day and make the best of it.
I agree, I have been on ADT for nearly four years. Go see your PCP or a Psychiatrist. I have found Cymbalta helps with the outbursts and depression. The fatigue and loss of muscle mass is substantial. Most people do not understand. The depression does not go away, even with meds, but is tolerable. Find things to occupy yourself with, develop a hobby. Exercise is reported as helping, but I can not find it in myself to get exercise, especially with the arthritis in my feet. Best of Luck.
It is hard and for many who do not have the direct experience it is difficult to really understand. Have you managed to find any other men to meet with and share face to face to issues and feelings?
If not, there is a feature in this group that can help you find some group members that might live nearby. Perhaps coordinating a gathering for coffee or lunch might help you.
Thank you everyone. I've had a good cry while reading all the posts. The support is wonderful, if I may use that word. So, last night my son beat me up, again. You see, he thinks I'm a tough guy. I tell him, and he knows, that I have no strength. But, he doesn't get it. I'm now going to divorce my wife, who is just the same as sonny boy. And my daughter, who is like mom, doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I'm in a totally messed up situation. There are many problems we had before the cancer, and now it all comes to a head. I have no idea how I'm going to afford a place to go on SS disability, but I have to move on. Somehow, someway, but I have too.
I can relate, my first wife was not supportive at all. She just did not know how to deal, or did not want to deal with my cancer and everything I was going through.
Be careful, going it along can be tougher yet. I met a great woman who is now my second wife. We have been together for 20 years. She is my advocate with doctors.
Sounds like you are taking charge of your life and that is good. If you want to talk there are people there you will be able to share with. Also check with your local hospital to see if there is a Prostate Cancer Group where you can talk to other men traveling the same road. Find yourself some outside interests whether it be singing, dancing or whatever and enjoy the rest of your life. Lastly continue to post here as you need to as it will probably help. Best wishes for a better life.
I've been on ADT and other treatment for 8 years. It is tough no doubt. About 3 years ago I started taking 10mg of Zoloft daily. According to family and friends it has improved my attitude and I would agree
@ Joe when you say your son beat you up I hope you mean verbally not physically, you're in in very toxic situation, and I do hope you are able to source out some support from in in your local, I can't imagine the emotional load you are dealing with, I would be a total basket case. Go and and leave the garage behind.
OK It took a bit for me to reply but, physical it is. A few months back, he broke a couple ribs, in support of Mom. This time just soreness. I have little girl tits, LOL, but I do. I got slammed into a wall, chest first, my little girl tits hurt like hell. But, they know now I'm finished with it.
But were getting off the real issue of the disease. No were not, it's part of it
WOW!!! My heart is breaking for everyone who has posted on this topic. Depression and fatigue can rob a person of everything joyous thing, a tiny joy is all and sometimes it is so hard to find joy. My husband is currently in the hospital again, feeling awful does bring on his depression and when he doesn't feel well the world is dark for sure. I also fall into the darkness when my love sinks there and I really have to remind myself not to go into the hole with him because he needs me outside of the hole to pull him out. Eric I do not know how you are surviving alone, and Joe life is very tough for you right now but making a decision to choose the joy will only benefit you even though it is so darn hard. Tears are flowing down my cheeks after reading all of this and I must go now and be with my Love. We are NOT alone!!!!!
Elgie say's he would rather be alone in an apartment than to be unhappy in a relationship. He so much loved having his little apartment alone until we got married.
It's odd how a lot of men regress into the fight to flight mode, like a wounded animal wants too do, when injured, just wander off and find a safe place and not want to be disturbed..
I don't understand how I should respond to your post. Positive or negative. I am not a lot of men, I am one man, me. I have had so many disturbances in my life, I could write a memoir. And, that is before the disease.
So, maybe I am finding my own little rathole to alleviate my pain. Just don't be there, you're not invited.
That wasn't directed at you personally Joe, sorry about that, it's kinda how I feel at times . I would much rather be alone in my own cave than be around someone.
Cool. I wrote that in the heat of the moment. I certainly didn't mean to start what I started. I struck a nerve, and people responded. I'm quite over my head about it. If that makes sense form a guy from NJ.
@jonlaco be strong find the strength and take care of your self, at this stage its so important you maintain your health ,you won't be able sustain the level of care needed of you if you allow your self to become run down physically and emotionally. I sincerely hope your husband recovers from this set back and you both get an over due reprieve.. I've spent over twenty years caring for my parents and two past wives who lost their battle to this insidious disease Cancer. My heart goes to you.
Joe, we're all in this over our heads.....and it's up to us whether we sink or swim.
The guys with supportive families and partners do have quite an advantage, and those of us who fight this thing alone can get some help and support from the support sites, like Health Unlocked. There are other groups, some face-to-face support groups in some areas, which also can be helpbul.
But you've had the worst situation, a toxic relationship with family who are not only unsupportive, but antagonistic, as well.
I'm proud of you for deciding to end the fiasco, and you have the courage to establish a new life, and move on. The individuals like your family are in the minority---most individuals have care and compassion for those of us who suffer from cancer. And when it comes their turn, they may finally realize the error of their ways, but it will be too late for them to make amends for what they've done.
At least you can take some satisfaction in that.
CERICWIN
Thanks for the support, CERICWIN. Just how is that pronounced? I'm looking, but I can't figure out a real name in there.
That said, I'm having a great day today, and I hope you are having the same.
We had plans to go out to Pittsburgh for my nieces graduations, but I'm staying home. It'll be a ten day reprieve for me. My kid will be here, but he has the second floor of the place. He ignores me anyway. So, this will be nice. ERIC! Maybe?
It has several meanings; "CERICWIN: See Eric Win!" It's based on my initials and names: My full name is Charles Eric Winter, and my few friends call me Eric. I'm having a quiet, restful, peaceful day today after the last radiation treatment yesterday. I'm so very tired. It's been a long haul with the 20 treatments, but now I can have some blessed rest for awhile until anotherappointment on Tuesday for a hospital-acquired infection. I'm glad that you're getting a break, too.
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That's why I think Joe needs to try and find himself happiness....soon. 
Howdy folks!
My Take
Slowly rising PSA
How do you deal with a Partner that is threatened by you illness?
Ductal Adenocarcinoma, Gleason 9 , tumor has invaded bladder up to urethra ridge and metastasize to sacrum. Can I ask some questions?
