I live with CHAOS>

[JokerAce]

I am 64 years old and have been sober for 26 years without a single relapse. One would think that my troubles should be over and that my life would be much better. So was alcohol my problem or was it my solution to a bigger problem? I made am appointment with a board certified psychiatrist I hope will give me a better answer. When I was a child, no one knew that ADHD was a thing. no one knew. I don't even know when I began to learn about ADHD. It hit me like a brick when I asked myself, is it possible for me to have ADHD? I began to compare my past experiences with the symptoms and realize that nothing has ever fit me as well as ADHD.

I have lived with the same woman for over 35 years in a constant state of chaos. I have come to understand that CHAOS stands for Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. our home is a garbage pile of chaos and always has been haunting my happiness. It blows my mind that I have stayed in this mess for as long as I have. I am one resilient son-of -a-gun. No, I will not file for divorce. that would defeat everything I have ever dreamed of. It would be an act of admitting defeat.

The trouble is, when I reach out for help to fix what is wrong with me, somehow that places me in a position of being the underdog. Now I am in the spotlight of being the cause for all of the chaos. Now everything is my fault and that none of the responsibility is with my squeaky clean wife.

Here's the crazy thing. When I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, My wife Joined Al-Anon. we both dived into the programs and began living a life surrounded by recovery. every place except inside our house.

Now my wife is an elected official in the governing system of Al-Anon with friends and colleagues all over the world. I am just a regular member of AA with no position of title to wear as a badge of honour. I just stay sober.

To the outside world, My wife looks like the perfect angel because no one can see past the mask. No one is granted access to inside our house that is piled high with garbage. I have made a living as a long haul truck driver and spend most of my time on the open highway. I am not at home every day.

If I am not actually living in the house that I pay for, who is caring for the house? Who piles all the garbage on every flat surface in the house? Who? Is it me? I am not there. If not me then Who?

Why is it that when I seek outside help for what is wrong with me, I become the monster that caused all of our chaos. Why does everyone look down on me because I admitted that I am an alcoholic. let's not look at the fact that I have NEVER had a relapse. not in 26 years. NOT ONE. Now that I realize that I have ADHD, I am somehow at fault for causing the chaos in our home. Now I am to blame and my wife who is a prominent figurehead in the program of Al Anon who is respected by thousands, hiding behind a mask of perfection, I, once more am the monster.

I am exhausted.

[BLC89]

Hello JokerAce,

There is a to unpack there. You are up against it. May I suggest starting small and adjusting your lens on the situation?

You are looking for outside help for what is "wrong" with you, can you change that language? There isn't anything wrong with you. You have a different view of the world, you are wired differently, not broken or wrong. Just as when you were drinking too much you weren't broken then either. You were covering up the pain, most likely, caused by undiagnosed ADHD and all the baggage that comes with it. Is drinking too much a problem? Yes. Does it mean you are broken? No, it means you are misunderstood by others and you misunderstand yourself.

Since you are not at home much of the time there isn't much you can do about the chaos. You can do your best when you are home to not add to the issues but it will take a team effort to clean it up. I couldn't tell if your wife feels you are the cause of the chaos or if you feel she thinks that. Either way the only thing you can do is control you and how you view yourself.

If you need outside help to gain understanding and tools to deal with ADHD please seek it out. If it morphs somehow into a blame game of all the chaos being your fault then you are no longer gaining tools and understanding and you need to change tactics. If it is your wife who is facilitating the morphing and blame then that may need to be addressed with a couple's therapist who understands addiction and ADHD (commonly found together).

You deserve to feel good about yourself and where you live. That is not too much to expect. I hope you can find some support for the ADHD and possibly support for you and your wife as a couple in how to untangle feelings of blame and/or resentment from the symptoms and past actions. I highly recommend an ADHD Coach or therapist to support yourself through gaining understanding and helping bust any limiting beliefs you don't even realize you are carrying.

Take care of yourself and kudos to you for putting this all out there, that could not have been easy. I think you would do well with an ADHD informed coach or therapist you seem eager and ready. CHADD and ADDitudemag.com both have directories of ADHD coaches and psychologytoday.com has a searchable list of therapists - you can look for ADHD informed therapists.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am and ADHD Parent and Adult coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years. I have raised two kids with ADHD and am CCSP certified.

[Quincie]

I can only address the clutter problem in your home.

1. Blaming your wife will not help. It will make you resentful & if you bring it up it will make her defensive & unwilling to be cooperative.

2. The clutter didn't magically appear overnight. Who buys stuff the most in your house? Someone is buying stuff. Is it you? Your wife? Both of you?

3. Buying stuff you don't need & have no place to store has emotional roots. The thrill of getting a bargain, the thrill of buying stuff for a new hobby etc are pointing to some underlying needs not being met.

4. Do you guys have a household budget that you work on together? Ideally you should sit down & figure this out & allocate spending money for personal stuff etc. The shopping habits can be controlled by the discipline of agreeing to follow a budget. See Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University for budget info if you've not done this. It can eye opening to see how money is frittered away.

5. ADHD ppl are messy because we are easily distracted & bad at follow through & being consistent. Is it only you that has this, or does your wife have ADHD also? If she doesn't have these tendancies. she has most likely given up because nothing she has said/done in the past has changed anything.

6. The involvement in external interests & succeeding there is probably compensating for the failures at home. I fully understand the Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. I suffer this myself & I alternate between being busy outside the home to avoid it & staying home to try & fix it.

7. Let go of resentment & step up to be a leader of this situation & start to sort out the house. If you consistently show up to do small consistent new habits your wife will notice & she will be open to helping you.

8. Small steps to changing your home means attacking the clutter & the cleaning as 2 separate tasks that are connected but still separate. If you only focus on cleaning there's no energy/time left to declutter. But you must declutter to solve the problem. If you need to tackle the dishes in the sink & get those under control then you probably need to declutter excess mugs, plastic containers etc in the kitchen cabinets. If you need to catch up on laundry then you probably need to toss out anything old & worn so there's more room in your closet. Pick an area that will have high impact for you & get to work. Using a timer is helpful to get past the initial reluctance to even start.

As you have ADHD you need to remember to put things away. Putting things away & picking up trash immediately (like shipping boxes) will help with messiness. The more you do this the easier it gets to remember to do it.

[PinkPanda23]

Oh my. First, let me tell you that I am an alcoholic in recovery for 32 years. I also have ADHD, which was diagnosed when I was 54, and I will be 68 this year. So I know a bit about your circumstances. I also have had a problem with clutter that got bad enough that my husband is convinced I'm a hoarder, although my therapist knows it's the ADHD. I don't have sentimental attachments to most of our stuff, and there is no garbage or unsanitary conditions involved.

If you are working the AA program, I would suggest a book called The Twelve Steps for ADHD. The tools will be familiar to you, and you can "practice these principles in all your affairs."

The first thing that will bring you relief is untangling your symptoms from your wife's. You have admitted your powerlessness over alcohol and your life's unmanageability. She has done the same. But while you have removed the alcohol and dealt with underlying causes, it appears that problems of power and prestige have remained. Do you feel less than because of her current prominence in AlAnon, or does she throw that at you? We only clear our side of the street. If you are feeling inferior, working with a sponsor and helping others are great tools that rarely fail to lift us up.

My AA/Adult Child of Alcoholic husband and I often use Traditions to help us navigate our marriage. Our common welfare comes first. Personal recovery depends on unity. You have every reason to ask your wife to bring the principles into your home life to help navigate difficulties. I have worked several rounds of steps around specific issues in my marriage of 29 years. Taking inventory, owning my part, and making amends were really helpful.

Now they throw ADHD into the mix all these years later! Honestly, I was so relieved to discover it wasn't my fault any more than I'm to blame for blue eyes and blonde hair. But unlike alcohol, I couldn't abstain from ADHD. And found over the years that I don't tolerate ADHD medications. But educating myself, my husband, and slowly removing the words "fault" and "blame" from our conversations has helped tremendously.

Hubby still gets frustrated by my ADHD - I don't listen well, forget things, and can't prioritize like he can, but he tries to be helpful instead of chastising me at least 50 percent of the time. I try to give him full attention and ask for his help in planning where I would be all over the place.

You are not your alcoholism or your ADHD. These are conditions you work on. Use the Serenity Prayer to help you accept with courage and wisdom.

Please feel free to contact me for venting and to talk through specific issues. Best wishes! You can do this ODAAT!💛💙