Struggling at home

[Jamjam9204]

Hi Im 23 year old fully medicated for adhd and having problems at home were ambeing horrible towards my fiance and his mother and i dont mean to be. can anyone suggest anything please

[STEM_Dad]

First of all, welcome to the forum!

Secondly, it's good that you're reaching out for help. It shows that you really care about how your behavior is affecting the people who are close to you.

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Before I get into the input and suggestions that I have, I just wanted to state a couple of things that I've had to learn multiple times in the last several years:

• Most people don't think about your behavior as much as you think that they do.

• Your feelings are like a gauge or a bell or an indicator light. They tell you what your internal state in your heart and mind are in that moment. (Feelings are like dogs and small children...they are completely honest.) (Anyone who tells you that your feelings are wrong either doesn't understand this, or they might even be gaslighting you. Hopefully the people that you're close to don't do any gaslighting, but it sometimes happens unintentionally. It's the people who do it intentionally that you might have to put some boundaries up with.)

• Perceptions can sometimes be wrong. It's the perceptions that the feelings are based on that might need to be called into question, not the feelings themselves.

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From my understanding and my life experiences, acting out often has underlying causes, which can be internal state and external triggers.

ADHD very often includes emotional dysregulation issues. That means that it can be much harder to control our emotional state and our emotional responses to things than for non-ADHD people.

• Anxiety and/or depression are very common comorbidities with ADHD; these can come and go, or might be persistent.

• We are also very prone to being sensitive about our perception of what is right and just and fair (which one heard as a "sense of justice").

ADHD impulsivity can also cause acting out in sometimes unpredictable ways. The impulsivity can be helped with medication, behavioral modification training, and probably by getting into a meditation or mindfulness practice. (Studies show that getting regular exercise is also helpful with managing ADHD. But even taking a walk when you need to calm down can be helpful in the moment.)

If you can get therapy, counseling, or ADHD coaching, it should help.

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One thing I've learned to do that helps me with changing my behavior is to think about a time that I responded in a way that I didn't like, and then imagine how I could have done it better. I will play this line a scene in a TV show, with the "better me" response.

I will then make a sort of script for myself using the keywords "When" and "Then". Like how I got in a habit of taking my ADHD meds... "WHEN I start eating my breakfast, THEN I will take my medication."

You can also ask for feedback from your fiance and his mom. Ask something like: "When I got angry just then and was yelling, I lost control of my emotions. How do you think that I ought to have responded better?"

Accept their feedback even if you do not agree with it. (If you disagree with their input, then just take it as a suggestion, but you don't have to do what they suggest. Take it as a hypothetical alternative, but use it to help you think of other ways that you can respond.)

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Also, try to find out about any resources that are available to you, like help lines. You don't have to feel like you're a danger to yourself or others to call and ask someone to just listen.

I went through a divorce a couple of years ago, and called a help number that I found. I was distraught and couldn't wait for scheduling a counseling appointment. The person that I talked to listened calmly and patiently, and asked questions to help me process my feelings in that moment.

(I've only had to make that call once in my life. In retrospect, I think that I was starting to have a panic attack, but the person on the other end of the line gave me the opportunity to get my feelings out into the open, so that I didn't lose control of myself in front of my family.)

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Just know that feelings are feedback from the body and mind. They tell us our state in that moment.

While the perceptions that the feelings are based on might or might not be accurate, the feelings themselves are always completely honest about your present state.

Other people cannot know exactly how we are feeling, and so it is up to us to tell them, if it matters to us that they know.

Be self-accepting.

Know that it is important to be self-advocating, too.

So, if other people's words and actions are triggering unpleasant feelings and behaviors in you, know that it's totally alright for you to do something constructive to address those triggers. (Tell them what sets you off and why. If they aren't receptive, that's on them. They have as much right to receive or decline feedback as you do.)

I hope this helps.

If you have more specific questions, feel free to lay them out. We will be as helpful as we can be.

[Mamamichl]

Talk to your doctor. Anger can be a side effect of some adhd medications. See if you can take a gene site test. Also, it took me years to find ways to walk away instead of lashing out. Tensing up and snapping my mouth shut helped, but you may also need a physical outlet. Exercise helps (cardio especially), and some people say journaling helps get out other issues with brooding in the brain.