Lost in my Brain

[MarsandVenus]

Hey all!

I just joined and am trying to figure out what I am looking for here. Support, help, pretty much anything. Anyway, here is my story. If anyone has experienced similar, I would be interested to hear recommendations for how to cope and be generally more content.

At 25, I had already been living with severe anxiety and depression for 10 years. Treatment effectiveness has varied wildly, and typically, I end up back where I started. Sad, feeling alone, not wanting to die but struggling to live.. At a very low point, I was hospitalized and that is when the ADHD diagnosis came. Suddenly, I understood my entire life up until that moment. I think some people would find this comforting. I did not. It is like I was trying to build something my entire life without instructions or even knowing what it was. Now I know that thing is a rocket, for example. Which is great, I guess, I know what I am building now, but I still have no idea what I am doing or how to do it, or even where to find the instructions. In fact, I often set out to find those instructions and end up somewhere I have never been before, and then immediately, I feel like a failure because I couldn't even do that one thing. Suddenly, my whole life has been pointless and I fail at everything I try. How could I be so stupid that I couldn't even build this dumb rocket I didn't even know I was supposed to be building?

It is a vicious, never-ending cycle of "you should do this" and then actively not doing that thing while the voice in my head is screaming and screaming and screaming. And I do hear it. I just can't make my body react to it. Every tiny setback is the end of the world. Someone gives me the tiniest bit of feedback and I feel attacked, I start crying, and I get defensive. It causes problems at work, at home, and socially.. I am being told I am disrespectful constantly because I can't make my brain stop for 2 seconds to think about what I want to say.

Please help if you can. I feel like I am drowning.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the forum and the community we've got here.

Your frustration is definitely understandable. When I got my ADHD diagnosis, at first I was relieved, because my whole life made sense. Medication helps, but it took 6 months before I got onto one that has been very effective for me. However, I still struggle with a lot of daily tasks, planning, time management, etc.

This forum and other ADHD forums have definitely been helpful, at the very least so that I know I'm not alone. The encouragement and understanding, plus the information sharing, have helped me tremendously.

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Are you taking medication for your ADHD? If so, how well is it working for you?

Have you figured out what your particular ADHD traits and symptoms are, and what you struggle with most?

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We will do our best to help you out with your questions. We will be here to support you the best that we are able to.

[MarsandVenus in reply to STEM_Dad]

Hey! Thanks for your response. It does help to know that I am not alone. I am a combination of hyperactive/impulsive and inattentive. I am in therapy and I am on Methylphenidate at the moment. I take it three times a day along with sertraline and buspirone.

The methylphenidate is effective in helping me find the motivation to get things done, but I usually end up in a 'rabbit hole' of getting things done, and then nothing gets done. It works better on some days than others. Sometimes, I don't feel like it helps at all. I've been through many different antidepressants and I don't really feel any relief from them, but at this point, I feel like there is no point asking to try new ones. That is why I haven't tried a new ADHD medication. I don't believe anything would work.

What I struggle with most is emotional dysregulation, focus, sitting still, talking too much, and being too blunt.. you name it. For the life if me, I can not have a conversation without having some extreme reaction to it. I get in trouble at work because "I don't have thick skin," or I am mean. I struggle to get things done when they are boring and I mean really struggle. I feel like if I am not stimulated enough 100% of the time somehow that means I am terrible at everything and life is pointless and everything is the worst.

My therapist and doctor say it is pretty severe, but I have no frame of reference.

[Lioness817]

Hi, MarsandVenus,

First of all, I found my mid 20s to be a very difficult time emotionally (I did not have an ADHD diagnosis yet then), and learned of the concept of a “quarter life crisis,” similar to a midlife crisis, that occurs during this period. In fact there are a few books about it.

The depression, anxiety and emotional over-reactivity, can all be associated with ADHD, as if one or the other weren’t enough. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to consider treatment with a stimulant (if appropriate given your overall situation). When the ADHD is treated, the other stuff - mood, ability to deal, etc - often improves as well.

Another suggestion is to read up on ADHD, visit this and other blogs, and realize that there can be good stuff that goes along with ADHD, such as high intelligence. Once the ADHD is under control, you will be better able to tap into your natural gifts, maybe build a rocket or two.

One last thing, of course, is to get help from a behavioral specialist to work through everything that you’ve been struggling with.

Hang in there, better days lie ahead.