I cannot stand being touched or hugged sometimes

[sherrylynnsimoes]

I am 56. We just took custody of 2 children aged 7 and 8. My hubby hugs them, and sits and snuggles on the couch at night but I just cannot. It is not just that it feels uncomfortable, It makes me have anxiety through the roof. They know it too. They give me a kiss on the cheek goodnight and I am ok with that but he gets a minute-long hug. I take care of them well but I just cannot go the touchy thing. And it makes me feel like a horrible person, Anyone else have this issue?

[STRgirl]

yup, not with my daughter, but with my husband. Just started my adhd meds. Low dose, but I am feeling less emotionally overstimulated, and I think that allows me to be less physically overstimulated with touch.

Are you going through menopause? That can exacerbate things.

Also, raising younger children in your 50’s (I’m 55 with a 9 year old) can be really overwhelming and overstimulating, and you might be reacting to this by distancing yourself from them to cope?

Many of us with high functioning autism have this phenomenon also.

If you are able, find a therapist who specializes in ADHD to help give you tools.

[STEM_Dad]

My mom has issues with being touched unaware. She's especially reactive to being touched on her back or from behind.

She does give hugs, but I've noticed that she doesn't like anyone wrapping their arms around her shoulders or back.

When my brothers and I were little, she would get wide eyed if one of us gave her an impromptu hug, but she was okay with initiating hugs (not that she did so frequently). She seemed to be okay with little ones hugging her around the legs or waist.

When I was a teenager and young adult, she would give me a side-hug, with one arm across my shoulders, and the hand of the other arm cupping my near shoulder.

Her reactivity to being touched from behind or on the shoulders extends to when she's sleeping. (My dad would get an elbow in the ribs if she was asleep and he touched her from behind.)

-----

Perhaps "adverse childhood experiences" (ACEs) are a factor. Perhaps anxiety, bipolar disorder, or autistic traits are factors.

I know that my mom experienced some ACEs, though not nearly as bad as many people have. (Her only known trauma was that her dad went to jail for a week for "poaching on the sabbath", when she was 3 or 4. But there was a lot of yelling; her dad was overbearing, a bit verbally abusive, and a "functional alcoholic".)

She has Bipolar II, and her dad likely had Bipolar Disorder, too. She quite obviously had anxiety (though I don't know if she was ever diagnosed with it). And she has some traits similar to people with Inattentive ADHD.

[STEM_Dad]

Fortunately, there are many ways to show love. Words of love and encouragement, acts of love and consideration, thoughtful gifts, and quality time.While hugs and physical touch are highly important for some people, not everyone needs frequent hugs in order to feel loved. Yes, it can be important for a newly blended family.

My younger brother was adopted as a baby. My mom wasn't very keen on physical touch. But she learned about a study that demonstrated that adopted children have a strong need for hugs and other caring forms of touch, so by the time my brother was walking, our mom had made a "hug a day" rule for herself...she would make sure to hug my baby brother at least one time every day. She had to set that expectation for herself, because she was not much of a hugger, but knew it was important for my brother. (Since I like hugs, I took my mom's change as an invitation to ask for hugs more often.)

The important thing is to show those kids that they are loved, that they matter, and that they are accepted just as they are. Show them that you love them in ways that you and they are comfortable with.

[Poppy234]

I don't have this but I can say when they hit age 12 you will be golden. Cuddles disappear and you need to put effort in to retain that connection. Perhaps try massaging eachothers shoulders or whatever. If you have tight trap muscles that can be relaxing, there is a barrier to break through perhaps.

[Rodster]

Yes, I feel overwhelmed most of the time so adding in a hug or touching is too much

[Maghdalena]

I have that sometimes. Sometimes I'm OK with being touched, but sometimes, I'd just as soon pass. I thought I was just associating that with my folks who only really touched me when they wanted to say "No", but that it was in church, but I always associated it on growing up that it was done when I was doing something they didn't approve of like "cracking my knuckles" (a form of fidgeting?), or when my husband was "in the mood", and I wasn't. It's not as bad now, now that we are communicating better, and I am past menopause, but there are still times I don't like being touched or held. I'm just learning that it's an ADHD thing. I still don't know what to do about it. I haven't been "Officially diagnosed" yet, though.