Hope, Shame, and Terror at 46 - “Crawling Back Up”

[TonsOfPlans-but]

Just joined. Only learning now the “whys” and effects ADHD has had on me, my life, and those around me for my 46 years. I’m so glad to know I’m not alone.

Filled with hope, excitement, and relief. But so overwhelmed with shame, guilt, and terror at both my past and the prospect what the future looks like for someone who knows what to do, knows how to do it, but never gets it done.

I am terrified for myself, my family and relationships, my career. The burning chainsaws I’ve somehow always juggled began dropping a few years ago and I’m trying to “crawl back up."

Feels good to express this to those who may understand.

[Gettingittogether]

Well welcome. Glad you finally got to a diagnosis---and the revolutionary new understanding (and loss and disappointment and confusion for some) that diagnosis brings.

[FindingTheAnswers]

I understand-all of what you wrote. Hang in there. (Never Give Up!)

[MrQuest]

Welcome! I used to be obsessively guilt ridden about all the mistakes I've made in my past. The more I live life post-diagnosis, I'm surprised how much that chainsaw guilt starts to disappear -- I love your term juggling burning chainsaws!! I feel that!!

Before I was so confused about what went "wrong" so many times in my life. Now, being able to see some of those events as meltdowns, or overloads, or brain paralysis, or so many other common ADD behaviors...

It makes it so much easier to see those items for what they were. "Oh, clearly I had a meltdown there". For me, it frees the obsessiveness and lets me focus on how I can handle those situations now. "You know, I need a little 5 minute sit down. I'll catch up with in a few minutes".

[Slmndrs]

Life is always terrifying, just sometimes we're more aware of it than others.

The best book I've found that hugely impacted my life is "Loving What Is". It may seem corny , but it transformed me. It didn't make my problems go away, but it helps me lift away the extra pointless layer of fear, guilt, anger, etc., that makes everything worse.

[UpCycled]

Right there with you, I learned a few months ago at 53. It took most of my life falling around my shoulders, crashing, and failing miserably to rebuild to figure it out - still on the mend and learning.

At least I understand better and am getting help for the host of issues that come along with undiagnosed ADD - MDD and GAD, regrets of past, fear of future, will I ever be able to reach my past abilities again - just to name a few. I try to stay present and positive, it is hard though and I can’t say I do a great job with it yet.

I hope you get the support you need and your journey helps you grow in new and wonderful ways!