Understanding my girlfriend

[caretoknowalot]

What are some tips for understanding your partner who has ADHD? (been a few month since discovering her ADHD)

[lemonspeaks]

first off—kudos for wanting to understand your girlfriend! Some general tips: read up on it with books, blogs, and listen to podcasts. With that, ask her about her experience, especially the good parts. Like when she does super focus on something and enjoys it, what that’s like? And how does it feel different than when she isn’t stimulated by something? Approach it with curiosity. Your girlfriend is not broken, but experiences the world in a way that is different than others. Lastly, if her adhd symptoms are frustrating to you, I highly recommend working with your own therapist to talk about it and learn your own self-regulation since that can impact a relationship too. Hope that helps!!

[ADDandMe in reply to lemonspeaks]

great post and reply 👍🏼

I’m reading Women With ADHD on Audible by Sari Solden. I’m not all the way through but it might give you a deeper understanding of some of what your girlfriend experiences and perhaps might open some compassion dialogue between the two of you.

I’d love my husband to ask me what I struggle with most (organising my environment) and to help me find a structure and manageable way to achieve this never-ending and demoralising task. I had suggested paying for a professional declutterer/ organiser pre-diagnosis.. and I’m thinking I should broach this conversation again, now, knowing what I know.

[caretoknowalot in reply to ADDandMe]

Thanks alot for taking time to share your insights.

[caretoknowalot in reply to lemonspeaks]

Thanks alot for taking time to share your insights.

[Jozlynn]

Hi caretoknowalot! I'm really proud of you for approaching the situation the way you are. I know that might seem silly since I don't actually know you, but it's a fact nonetheless. Many partners try to figure out ways to get their ADHD partner to adjust so that they behave in a neurotypical way instead of working with that partner's ADHD. The fact that you've come here asking what YOU can do is huge. Your girlfriend can learn strategies and methods for addressing the aspects of our ADHD that affect others (time-blindness, blurting things out, etc.), but like lemonspeaks said, your girlfriend is not broken.

The diagnosis doesn't change who it is that you care about. She's still the same person, she just now has a label that will allow her to learn and grow instead of being controlled by the ADHD. I hate that it requires labels for that to happen, but honestly - being labelled ADHD was wonderful for me. I finally had an answer for all the things I didn't understand about myself, and I was able to access resources (meds, therapy, and coaching) to help me learn to understand it and take back a little of the control I had felt I'd lost before the diagnosis.

I totally agree with the advice to read articles (CHADD, ADDA, and ADDitude Magazine are great resources for bite-sized chunks of information), listen to podcasts, etc. Learn what people with ADHD experience, then ask your girlfriend what her experience with ADHD is like. We all have our own "brand" of ADHD. I love all things admin and organizing for example - a very NON-ADHD trait - but I can hyperfocus on that for hours on end. Everyone has their own "hyperfocus" topics and sometimes it'll be frustrating that she can focus so completely on one topic, but seem to completely disregard another one. We cannot force ourselves to engage when our minds simply refuse.

Above all else, don't try to convert your girlfriend to neurotypical ways. Not that you would do so on purpose - you obviously care deeply and want to do right by her - but that is one thing we deal with a lot. "Just" try a little harder, "just" work harder at it, etc. One, neurotypical methods don't work for us. Two, that's not who we are - so it's an uncomfortable place to be. It's important that your girlfriend learn to work with her ADHD, not find ways to be more neurotypical. That's a hard thing to determine the difference between what's working for an ADHDer vs. what's neurotypical. It's easy to feel like you're just trying to help them fit into the world, but asking them to be something they're not just puts them in a position to fail. By being patient with the times she forgets important things (we don't mean to...and it definitely doesn't mean we don't care - it's just how our brains work), find ways to gently let her know if she's talking over people or interrupting, and don't take it personally. By "it" I mean whatever she does that might feel like it's because she doesn't care or she just wants to talk about herself (we're just trying to show people we understand, but it comes out as dominating the conversation sometimes). Love her for who she is, ask what she can use help and encouragement with, and spend the time to read and listen to educational topics about ADHD. It'll go a LONG way, not only knowing you cared enough to dig into it - but the tips and techniques you'll learn will help you two to interact with less chance for conflict.

Wishing you ALL the best!

[ADJB]

It's laudable that you want to help your girlfriend in this way, but I would encourage you to keep it simple. The most important thing to remember is that you probably already know her very well, and part of that knowing includes the ways in which ADHD has influenced the person she is, and that you've done this without knowing it was so. This kind of direct personal experience is more relevant and personal than anything you might read. However, reading still has a roll to play and I suggest you ask her which of the things she has read resonated most with her. In this way you will also have something to discuss and in so doing have a chance to work closely together to forge a strong and shared understanding of the condition and how it bears on the relationship.

[caretoknowalot in reply to ADJB]

exactly! we are preparing a personal liste of her features to arrange the coordinating or probable responses