urgent advice needed, despearte

[noescape111]

I've had a progressive terminal illness and desparately need to have a will ( a trust specifically drawn up.) I have met with numerous estate attys and during covid attempted to communicate and do it online. I feel absolutely paniced and stressed because I have earned the reputation of being a "difficult client" by the attorney for my mothers trustee. Nevertheless, he stated he's fond of me and while unwilling to represent me, will answer questions if I write and outline. I have made no fewer than dozens of arduous attempts over several months and failed repeatedly. I have gone to or spoke with numerous trust attys. I became so desperate for help that I actually resorted to contacting attys. to see if they would/could work with me, having a "disability" which I never considered it until the past few years, when it has absolutely crippled me. I am severely depressed and paralyzed and feel I am in a self imposed prison I cannot escape. I have had adhd all of my life but at 64, I realize that prolonged extreme stress and trauma have spiraled so out of control that I am having extreme difficulty functioning. I have no family and no friend that I can ask or are able to assist me. I have stopped short of telling this one atty. that I am struggling with extremely exaserbated adhd - the one that is fond of me, despite myself being too "difficult" to be a client. He as others can pick and choose clients and having dealt with me during my deceasded mothers estate matters, he doesn't want me as a client. I can not be brief to save my life- as is obvious here. Additionally, he will only view anything I say as "excuses" which is why I haven't and feel I cannot say I have adhd that is essentially out of control for the first time in my life and crippling and traumatic because I am trapped, have not been able to extricate myself, find a therapist that's appropraite and taking new clients- all full. On top there is urgency as my physicall health has deteriorated as well as my emotional, mental health and I MUST have a trust written before I'm dead. I have one atty that has worked with me for years and knows how easily I can be derailed and has made a fortune with that knowledge and drafted trusts of which are absolute disasters and would stand if I died. I am also a trustee for my adult daughter who lives on the other side of the country and has been unable to help and clearly not an option. I have both adhd, major treatment resistent depression and my physical health condition. COPD and cancer also invisable. I have become so distressed and paraylyed that I can barely go get food or shower much less meet with another attorney. They get extremely frustrated with me and think I am purposefully "going in circles" as I seek clarification. My trust is complex as is my daughters and are not standardized. I have no one to serve as trustee, my two closest and most trusted friends, one died and the other has terminal cancer. I have no one that I can depend or trust to serve and no trust atty, that hasn't outright rejected or become too frustrated to work with me and I have tried SO HARD and it is not intentional. I have financial resources and not on disability but very disabled. Adhd has impacted my klife but I learned to adapt so well for decades that I hardly knew I had it. I am on medication and it helps but not enough, even though the dose was adjusted because it is so horrendously bad unlike ever before. After completing school I never thought of it as a disability or one that hindered me because I adapted and most would never know I have it. Now, it is so deeply exacerbated by trauma, depression, defeat and time concerns and distress that I no longer have time to "get help" and OMG, electronic communication has all but made me crazy. I cannot hear tone, see body language etc.. and I need human interaction. I have been isolated, reliving trauma that I thought I long ago had overcome. I am paralyzed and desperate and every effort and attempt has led no where and I feel like I am beyond stuck and paralyzed and desperate. I apologize if this is all over the place, I don't know where to turn, after seeking out disability attorneys that clearly don't understand or stigmatize adhd or me or both. Before, during and since covd the stress, trauma, paralysis and depression has immobilized me and I live in torment and fear over the trust not being done and no where to turn. The attroney for my mothers trustee is 82 and a sweetheart, very successful and sure doesn't need my business or difficulties. I have spoken to and or met no fewer than a dozen attys and have gotten no where and frustrate others and myself no matter how hard and many times I have tried. I need help and have neither been "diagnosed" as disabled or tried as I don't need financial assistance. I actually tried to seek advice from disability services and again, I feel like the only one in the world that has adhd and that others think I'm simply crazy- and...I feel like I am becoming so for being distressed and upset for so long and feeling completely trapped and many many different approaches and efforts, of every kind I could think of have failed. I need an trust atty that understands and will work with me and understand that I am not meaning to be difficult but having severe issues that do in fact have me unhinged, as I am running out of time. The adhd is so exacerbated that I feel imprisoned and completely dosabled but I "appear fine" to a point. which has gotten me in the door in some cases but failed over and over. I don't feel I have time for therapy to get me on track though i've tried desperately to find a therapist that is available and will meet in person. I am using electronics for lack of any options and yet, that seems to have created the most problems of all. I don't know where to turn, am isolated and no one in my life or world can understand, much less help. I used to seem normal and am so distraught that I cannot present that way except superficially with strangers. I am an emotional basket case and would rather be dead then be locked up. Short of saying you are not safe, there is no such thing as a crisis and with that I'd be locked up. I would just end it because I cannot handle it anymore but I cannot live with my concious to throw away what I have and the current trust that would stand if I died would stand and nothing short of a disaster. It would be better to die intestate but I cannot get rid of the existing trusts they need amending and critically. I have been fortunate to have been helped financially by my deceased parents and owe it to them to do right by them and the assets. My daughter is my only living relative and the few friends I have left have been terrible with their own finances and inappropriate to even discuss. I've not found an estate atty that can understand or help. My time is running out and for all the failures, I don't know where to turn & fear being deemed incompetent. Advice???

[noescape111]

Please excuse the typos and repetion, part off the problem. I can't seem to eliminate it when rereading because it goes in every other direction and is just as unsendable

[JerryMaren]

Hi I’m in England so can’t b much help but I read ur messige to the end and just wanna say I hear ur pain and desperashon. Here’s a link to a adult adhd charity (pretty sure there America too?). Ring or email them, they mite be able to help? Hope so. Good luck. X

chadd.org/for-adults/overview/

[noescape111 in reply to JerryMaren]

Jerry,

Thank you you for the resources and your much appreciated support!

Bev

[emisme in reply to noescape111]

I hope you can get some support through CHADD. If you need to connect with a real human, let me know. I can show you the basic techniques of the meditation I do and help you with some trauma-based mindfulness exercises. You can also find this info online if you prefer.

You have friends. We are out there and want to help.

[Quilter470]

Dear one, it must have taken you a very long time to write the above but I understand what you are saying. You probably already know what you want your Will to say, like who to leave money and valuables to, for example, so I'm thinking that you are perfectly capable of writing your own Will. However, you must specify names, descriptions of items and/or amounts of money. Also, you MUST sign your legal name, include the date and have two people, non-relatives, witness your signing the Will. You can ask a notary public to notarize your document, signing your name only before him or her.

You could also write your own Will and present to an attorney for advice on filing it with the court, keeping copies for yourself, or even calling probate court yourself for advice. Also, you can be as specific as you desire in writing your Will although I think it would be best if you check out on the internet your state's requirements for completing your own Will and trust.

I hope this helps.

[HopelesslyExhausted in reply to Quilter470]

This was going to be my advice. Look up how to write a will. Be specific with names, birth dates, and even addresses. If at all possible, name a friend or family member as an executor of the estate. Sign it in front of a notary (you can find them at any bank and the bank will also provide a second witness). There is no reason that you need a lawyer to do any of this.

As for the loneliness and human interaction, sometimes these days, especially for therapists, digital is the only way. You may just have to take a hit on that and interact with a therapist and others through zoom or video chat.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I hope things get better for you.

[406M]

I feel your pain and desperation. Please know you’re not alone.

[europe83]

I cannot really advise you, as I live in Eurooe and don't no anything about your legal system. I wanted you to know that I read everything you wrote and hear and feel you. As I understood it, it is not "just" about setting up a will, but something much more complicated, involving a trust. One idea I had was that there are adhd coaches out there. I think you can find and contact some through this site. Maybe they will be able to understand and support you and actually help you to do everything you need to get done. I hope this helps in any way and I assure you, you are not the only one struggeling out there.

[GatsbyCat]

Hello noescape111~

Thanks for taking the time to write the group. Wow, you've got a lot going on, all of which is time sensitive AND important.

Finding a lawyer since you have complicated trust and will issues is a must. If you are unable to deal with technology and don't have anyone to help, I would actually recommend that you go to your local library, and ask the resource librarian to help you find an elder law attorney specializing in trusts. They're a lot more complicated than wills and you should have someone knowledgable in this area. Quit randomly picking people, as they may not be the best for you.

Since you do have financial resources, IMMEDIATELY, get yourself an ADHD coach. I don't know where you live, but there is a good list available on the Magazine Additude. It's at:

directory.additutedmag.com/listing/guide/adhd-coaches

It will provide you with a list of coaches near you. You didn't mention your age? Or, maybe I did not see it, but it sounds like you are very aware of your mortality and want to get your affairs in order.

Once you get going with the coach, and as others mentioned, it maybe via Zoom, not in person, then you can get going with an elder law lawyer.

Also, no matter your age, it's never to late to actually LIVE your life, instead of just existing. Many people have flourished later in life and become artists, humanitarians, etc.. Don't put roadblocks in your own way! We ADHD'ers have plenty of our own obsticales already!!

Once you are a little more comfortable with yourself, go and see your friends in person. They can be such a comfort and make you feel good about yourself. Consider joining a group in your community. Being social helps us live longer, and stay happier. Isolating ourselves is not helpful.

I feel your urgency in these matters, and your pain. I hope that these thoughts are useful to you. Please know that you are not alone!

Best wishes on this journey called life.

Regards~

GatsbyTheCat

🐕

[NissanSkyline]

Hi,

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with so much on top of your terminal illness. Is there a reason why your adult daughter is unable to assist other than her living on the opposite end of the US? You guys can certainly communicate online (email, video calls etc.) and I don’t see a real reason why she would need to be with you in person to help with this task.

Also, it is my understanding that you don’t necessarily need a lawyer to draft up a will or trust. There are several online will writing services that you can take advantage of, or you can hire a will writer to help you draft the legal languge. Just Google something like, “will writing services” or “Will maker" online and you should be able to find one that fits your needs. YouTube may also be a great resource to help you with your search. Just make sure you’re hiring a reputable company or person by double checking their credentials.

If you need help from an actual attorney though, you can always contact your State’s Bar Lawyer Referral Service. They may also be able to help you find a pro bono lawyer if cost is an issue.

Good luck, and I hope all goes well.

[Thosta]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know all the legal, medical and financial problems have become over whelming for you and though I cannot help you in any of those areas, I can suggest you work through your emotional problems within a community where I have found support and connection. EYou can check them out on Facebook at and if the questions answers and people you meet there inspire you, you might want to continue your healing within the Achology platform itself. Best of wishes to you finding the answers,direction and peace you deserve.