I have all the tools, but fail to apply them in my relationship

[mobius171]

Hi, this is a long post so forgive me if this isn't the best post you read. This will be a long post. So TL:DR at the bottom.

I am in a relationship as the partner with ADHD. For the past 3 years I have been struggling in areas of (including but not limited to) mindfulness, emotional intelligence, critical thinking, executive functioning, spacial and self awareness, memory retention, attentiveness, assertiveness, rsd, understanding social ques, and more. My partner doesn't ask much from me, and has been as supportive and patient as one possibly can, however when it comes time for me to be emotionally available, or when she NEEDS me, I either freeze up, have an emotional spiral that can last up to several hours. Throughout our time this there's more regression that progress. When I'm doing what I need to be, it feels like false hope to her. This is because once we finally manage to have a semi-okay discussion, it feels like false hope. And then when she finally tries to allow herself to be vulnerable... she gets hurt. And more so when I say I understand what I do is wrong but fail to apply what I've learned.

I have all the tools (Adderall 30mg, anti anxiety meds, CBT therapy, worksheets, reminders, alarms, meditation, working out, better nutrition,self help books, I could go on. However, even with all those tools I fail to apply what I learn and come to understand.

Every failure is a new emotional scar for her, and as time goes on she's feeling more alone and burnt out. It's to the point she can't put her trust in me anymore to do simple tasks (eg. Them:"Can you grab my water for me?" Me: "here you go." Them: "that's a potato.") There have been times where I accidentally leave the burner on the stove or forget to lock the door. Essentially she's put in a position to think and act for 2, like a parent/child dynamic. I cant offer to do things anymore because it's like a false promise that I'll pull through.

I feel like a burden to her rather than a partner. I love her, but when your partner is doing everything to try and make it work, and I have trouble reciprocating and meeting her needs (which is the bare minimum), how can it work when I can't figure out or remember how to apply the tools to our relationship?

I'm trying to find DBT specialists, and learn to become more of an independent "adult" figure in life (at 27yo) in hopes that I can help myself in the problems mentioned in the beginning of this novel. I feel like such a failure, unreliable, sometimes a monster that doesn't deserve the love she brings. Even though I feel this, I know my actions have hurt her more, and are toxic to her. Her feelings are more important, and she deserves to see change I promised.

Are there other means of coping or aid that can help with applying myself? Is there anything in what I typed that could reveal something else affecting me? Let me know what you think because I feel like I'm running out of options or means of making ME work.

TL:DR

[Chispi]

Hello. Don't get overwhelmed, that's the worst thing you can do. If you are putting all your effort on your part, that is already very positive and really incredible, because not all couples make that much effort. Don't just look at all the good that your wife does, also look at all the good that you manage to do, because for you it is a great effort.

In my case, my husband and my son have ADHD and although I often feel alone, because they are in their world, I try to see the good and positive things they have. Do not be discouraged and focus on the good that you also do.

Good luck and good luck.

[BTV65]

Wow. I so feel you. My wife and I went to therapy years ago before I even knew I had ADD. We would work out issues, come up with changes to work on. I would do them for a few weeks, then they would fade and I would forget all about them. Over and over I would let her down. Fail to hold up my end of the agreements. She felt burned, betrayed, let down, and basically gave up hope that I could ever make lasting changes. I felt like such a failure. Heck I still do in many ways. It's taken me literally decades to figure out that I need a long time to implement changes. Years. I can do it. It's just not quick or easy. In fact, I find it better for her to not even tell her I'm working on something. When I can finally get to a point where I can say "When is the last time that thing happened more frequently than 'very rare'?", then I can tell her about it. So she can see through my actions, rather than my words. Then I'm not giving her false hopes.

I hear you though. I wish I could offer you some advice or insight. Give you hope and tell you it will all get better.

I know this sounds bad, but it's honestly how I feel... I feel sorry for our partners who have to put up with us.

It's not that we don't care. It's not about a lack of love. It's not that we don't have wonderful aspects to who we are and what we bring to the relationship. It just feels so broken looking at certain parts. Being there for them when they need us most.

[sharkticon]

I read through all the replies hoping someone would have some really great insights. Your story sounds like mine. My wife keeps feeling like I let her down all the time, or can't count on me. She knows I mean well, but she feels like she has to make up for so much. It's funny every time she is sick or in the hospital, or is going through something tough it's like my brain gets foggy and my emotions turn off. I wonder if that is similar to when you say you spiral or freeze.

There is a reason that the divorce rates for ADHD folks is much higher almost double.

One thing that has helped me is to learn all I can about ADHD. Which sounds like something you are doing. Maybe I can share some things I have learned.

Have you looked much into emotional dysregulation, and rejection sensitivity? ADHD people have a hard time managing their moods and are easily triggered by the smallest every day things. When a wife says she is struggling with something you are doing, it is common for someone who is ADHD to become flooded. They often feel rejected, which could make them feel angry and yell, or cause them to shut down and become defensive, or in your case it could be why you feel like a failure, unreliable, a monster that doesn't deserve the love she brings. I doubt that any of that is true. ADHD is notorious for black and white thinking. It's all good or its all bad. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle even if it doesn't feel like it. But now imagine if you repeat these things to your wife thatI'm such a failure and a monster, I can't understand why you even stay with me. Over time she could start feeling similar. Or she might get frustrated and think you are overreacting, or not listening to her. Sometimes she might just want you to acknowledge the hardships she is facing. She might need your shoulder. It feels like it might be all about you, but it might be her.

Have you tried thanking her for all the stuff she does to make up for you? Admit, you do all those things. Tell her that you admire all that work and know it must be hard, and how loved and important it makes you feel for staying with you and doing that. Giving her that admiration and gratitude might be all she needs.

My guess is she is doing all those things because she does love you and wants to be with you. And when you marry someone, you do hard stuff because it's worth it. So just make sure to return the favor in the ways that you are good at. ADHD people are so creative, and can bring a lot of spark and fun to a relationship. Take her out for dinner, or do something novel with her. ADHD people love novelty. And remember ADHD is just a part of who you are. Focus on some of the fun stuff and not just the bad. You are an adult, and most all adults have their flaws. Most ADHD people think their flaws are much worse than they are and in turn it can make things worse.

Also I have found cold showers and meditative walks help to bring things back into focus.

Hope some of my thoughts and experience help. ADHD is a struggle, but todays research assures me that ADHD folks can have happy marriages too.

[BTV65 in reply to sharkticon]

"ADHD is notorious for black and white thinking. It's all good or its all bad."

Really? I never realized that. I thought it was just me.

Also, the shutting down/brain fog. I totally get that. I feel like an idiot when I'm arguing with my wife. I can't remember anything or think straight. What she is saying sounds wrong, but I can't tell her why or give examples of anything. It's so frustrating. It's the same way if I'm put on the spot. I'm not a quick thinker to begin with, but put me on the spot and I can't even tell you how to spell my name. My brain just locks up and I feel even more stupid. Ugh... Again, didn't realize this was ADHD.

[HxaroClo]

I also read through the replies hoping for a silver bullet. It is exhausting having ADHD. The amount of work I have to put into living. Pots left on on the burner, doors left open at night, ( and I live part time in Chicago y'all). Living with someone else is even more exhausting. I can leave the cabinets open, but my guy HATES it! I live through acceptance, breath work, Franklin Covey, Alexa, slowing down life to the extent that I can, not always possible when others rely on you, lots of water and walks. Therapy and medication hasn't always worked for me. But there are folks here who swear by it and so that's a tool for many.

If you find the magic pill come back and tell us?

[STEM_Dad]

(Let my preface my response by stating that I'm not a trained expert, and I'm sharing what I understand, how I understand it. I'm making some assertions here based on my own logic.)

The "shutting down/brain fog" is probably flooding. That's when emotions rise too much and too fast for you to be able to respond appropriately. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is another intense response.

Flooding and RSD seem to me that they are reactions to stress. Stress triggers anxiety. Anxiety is a response to fear. The classic responses to fear are: fight, flight, or freeze. So, RSD is the fight or flight response... while flooding is the freeze response.

Now, think about this...

There are people whose occupations involve facing stressors at any time: ER doctors and nurses, paramedics, firefighters, police officers, members of the military, air traffic controllers, etc. How do they handle it without becoming overwhelmed at the time when they need to control their response, to respond in the right way? They train, they develop a mindset to respond in certain ways. ("When something like X happens, respond by doing Y.")

From what I understand about DBT, it is a way of working with the therapist to develop ways to respond to emotional triggers, instead of becoming overwhelmed when triggered. It takes months or even years of work.

But we're humans, which means we have the ability to reason and to learn, to teach ourselves, to train ourselves.

Here is something you can try. Sometime when you are not in a state of overwhelm, sit down with a notebook and write about something that is a known trigger for you. Use the mindset that you are writing a script for a scene in a movie. You want the character to respond in a way that you wish you had. Write out what the character does.

To guide yourself in writing this, use the key words WHEN-THEN. ("When X happens, then do Y.")

(Note: this is like the IF-THEN statements in computer programming, but our brains are too smart ... we automatically know that when there's an "if", then it's not a definite thing, there's too much wiggle-room. The cue "when" is more definite. Think about when you're driving and get to a traffic light. WHEN the light is green, you go. WHEN the light is red, you stop. IF the light is yellow, you don't have one response, you have many... Should you coast through or speed up to get through before the light turns red, or should you slow down and prepare to stop? That depends on many conditions...your speed, how much traffic there is, distance to the intersection, how long the light has been yellow, have you ever gotten a ticket for running a red light, does this intersection have a red light camera, etc.)

[...to be continued]

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

Stick with the scriptwriting concept, but keep in mind that you are also the actor and the director. (Also, keep in mind that the other actors are sometimes going to improvise, they may not stick to the script. When someone else ad-libs, you should stick to the script. If you are going to ad-lib also, use the technique from comedy improv..."YES, AND..." I'm bad at improv, but maybe you're better at it, maybe you're even a natural at it.)

So, pick a "scene" to start with. It could be something that happened recently. It could be one that has played out much the same way again and again.

* How would you like it to go, instead? *

Remember: YOU are the writer and director, but you are also the lead actor. It's got to be within your ability to deliver the lines and the performance. You may want to write a pencil, so that you can erase. You may want to write with the red pen next to you, but that probably has a negative connotation, so skip that. Maybe write with a black Sharpie marker, so that you can "redact" all the things you want to remove from the script.

Then... Rehearse your lines! Read them over in your notebook at least once a day, picturing the scene in your head as if it's projecting as a hologram in front of you. Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse! Practice, practice, practice!

And the next time that you are in that "scene" in real life, think of it as a "dress rehearsal", or "Take One". There will be plenty of time for reshoots, rewrites, "Take Two" through "Take 57"... As many "Takes" as you need, since you're the Director, too. (But don't be one of those directors that actors never want to work with again... Be that director who they WANT to work with again, the one who listens to their feedback and gives them appreciation for the energy and input.)

"We're not doing this in One Take, we're going to reshoot this scene again if we have to. But not today... we'll do it tomorrow. ... CUT! That's lunch! Great shoot everyone! Where's the catering? Do your want some water, would you like me to get you some water? Hey, what do you think this needs? I'm meeting with the head writer after this, and I'd really like to know what you think this needs... By the way, love your 'work', that one romance that your did, I replay my favorite scenes again and again..."

(Okay, now I'm just going down the "rabbit trail".)

....

So back to how emergency responders handle their work... They practice. They look at scenarios, master their response, add a twist, assess what they would do in response to that. And they work with expert trainers.

In our case, the experts are therapists, mentors, authors who are experts on the subject of ADHD, etc.