Imposter Syndrome in my own life

[rvbhakta]

I gave been going to school/college. But my symptoms of not being able to focus and being easily lost the research for projects. I have been trying to get stuff turned in but I always end up turning it in a day late. Sometimes I feel like am not the perfect south Asian girl that is supposed to be the "perfect" student. I am the oldest so I have gotten a lot of pressure from my own family to do my best. I don't know how to be perfect when I have never been the perfect student. I have always been the student that just get by and the one that participated the most. I wish that I can be myself and not want to be perfect.

[FindingTheAnswers]

Hi. I was in the same situation, but under different circumstances. Whatever I thought, said or felt (feelings? What are those?) didn't matter. I had a tremendous amount of dysfunction in my family, which felt like Gas Lighting. You're in a tough situation with your families expectations. Does your family listen/care when you try to explain how you feel or just tell you basically 'This is the way it's going to be'?

"Sometimes I feel like am not the perfect south Asian girl that is supposed to be the "perfect" student." Is your families culture adding to the problem? "Perfect" is unattainable for anyone. What does rvbhakta want? What would make you happy? What dreams or desires do you want to pursue? Is the degree you're pursing now, what you want? Or is it more of the pressure from your family of you not being 'Perfect' the big part of the problem?

Education is great. No matter what life may throw at you later, no one can take your education/degree away from you.

Have you spoken with the counselors at school? Hopefully one can help you deal with this, or can lead you in the right direction. There needs to be some balance of what you're doing, what you want to do, and what you're capable of doing, and to make it work. The college may have some ways to help with your difficulty in focusing or to keep from getting lost (overwhelmed?).

You're in college, so you must be doing something right - without being perfect.

[rvbhakta in reply to FindingTheAnswers]

I have been working with a counselor to succeed it's just sometimes I get stuck. I feel like it is a constant cycle of good and bad. It feels like a rollercoaster but I want to be able to just be good enough

[FindingTheAnswers in reply to rvbhakta]

I understand. Keep moving forward. But try to not let it burn you out.Good thoughts and prayers to you.

[Aruchi]

I know it’s hard. All we can do is our best. Practicing self-compassion helps and being honest with everyone that you are doing your best and sometimes we fall short but we keep trying. That is perseverance, true strength, doesn’t mean not falling but it does mean getting back up. I recommend finding a good therapist and reading “The Self-compassion workbook” by Kristin Neff. You are not alone.

[Gettingittogether]

Do you have friends or connections among other South Asian students? I interact with a lot of South Asian young people in my job. Some report the pressure that you're describing here. But others don't shame themselves about not being perfect.

You may have to connect with people outside your family. This is the grown up move you will want to make. Basically, at a certain point, I had to accept that my parents influence (as wonderful as they were) was toxic and destructive. So I stopped trying to meet their expectations. Instead, I basically looked around and found friends I really respected and I started to use these friends as parents. I would bounce ideas (like career choices and so on) off these friends.

I also did tons of therapy ... that helped me separate emotionally from my parents and their expectations ... Any chance you can get to therapy. Therapists can quickly help people struggling with the issue you're struggling with. A south Asian therapist might be particularly helpful, but even a really good non-South-Asian therapist that you bond with could be immensely helpful.

Stepping into your own power and approval takes time. But you want to start that process, and it's important for you to do so. Here's the irony: you step into your power and stop letting yourself feel bad about not meeting your parental expectations ... and over time, you'll create your own life you like ... and THEN ... your parents will come around ... but even if they don't, you owe it to yourself to live your own life.

Let go the idea that your parents are perfect and that their ideas are perfect .Nope. Sorry. No parents are perfect. None! ... and often even the most loving parents simply aren't good at helping a child (even grown-up "child") who is different from them.

Here's a challenge and a start: identify some good qualities that you have or interests that you have that your parents don't have. Start there! Can you afford therapy?

[rvbhakta in reply to Gettingittogether]

I have tried to talk to people but I always feel like an outsider in the conversation. But yes I am in therapy and it is hard but I just seem to be stuck

[Gettingittogether]

You might need to try a different therapist. Do you REALLY like your therapist? The answer should be an overwhelming yes! ... But good job to start with therapy. There are people in the South Asian community who feel the same pressure you feel ... I'm hoping you can connect with some of these people.