I need some kind words please

[ADHD_GABBBY]

After years of struggling with self diagnosed depression and anxiety and “dealing” with it on my own I have finally sought out professional help. I was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. It honestly feels like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. After year and years as a child struggling through school being told I had so much potential but not enough focus or drive. Being called lazy or not caring about other peoples time every time I’m late. (I’m now learning that this is common language used to describe us.) It feels amazing to know that I’m not crazy for deeply wanting to focus but not being able to keep from zoning out. But it kinda also breaks my heart for that little girl that tried so hard and had so much promise but who always fell short. Breaks my heart to know there is so much knowledge out there and yet here I am at 27 years old just now learning about my brain. Ive become paralyzed from it. Through out the last 5 years it literally feels like my brain has been deteriorating. Trying to stay at a job for longer than six months has always been impossible. I’ve always told myself I just like new places, I have to keep moving. Knowing the reality was I’d get fired if I got one more late right up so might as well jump the gun. How do I tell my employer they should be glad I even made it because it took me all morning just to get up and ready and out the door. They don’t care about my mental struggles. So onto the next one. But I just can’t do that anymore. I’m exhausted. My financial stability has never existed. I’m knew to this diagnosis so I’ve yet to get medication or anything like that. So I’ve just been trying to learn as much as I can so I can help myself as much as I can and find tools to accomplish the next step in my journey. But it’s hard and I’m tired and I need like physical help. All my bills are pilled up I have no health insurance and I’m in between jobs. I’ve been in bed without even the will to shower for five six days now. I’m a hard worker I’ve never asked for handouts but I’m literally like at the last thread holding everything together. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the forums!

[TightlyWoundSpring]

I feel your pain... It's hard battling through the years of crap being undiagnosed throws out way... I was 30 when I was diagnosed. The medication can help to put you in a better place to address everything, and knowledge is power as far us understanding ADHD and what your looks like for you... But don't forget to get help with addressing the years of crap that have been thrown at you with a talking therapy if you can. My mental health is struggling big time at the min and this is something I have needed to be reminded to do too.However hard you might feel like life is right now though... You've come this far through all the crap without a diagnosis and that deserves recognition. So well done, you got this!! ❤️

[Hidden]

Best wishes to you Gabby. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You do not sound crazy to me at all. I understand a bit of your struggle and despair and hope you have the energy to get outside for a bit. Nature, be it the sun or the arrival of spring or the cold of winter or often wonderful. I fully understand the lack of will to shower but it does really make you feel better. It sounds like you want to take a shower. Go do it. Hot water. Cold water. Lukewarm water. Enjoy it. Cold water is especially good for forcing you to stop thinking too much. One thing at a time.

[ShortyKat in reply to Hidden]

Showers do really do help.

[jdelmonaco19]

Gabby, the most important thing…please be kind to yourself! It’s no easy task to come as far as you have! We ADHDers and/or Neurdivergents have a hard time fitting in! Try to keep learning as much as you can to understand why and how you need to do things. Personal hygiene is important and good for your mood…try to at least take care of that! Try to find others or groups that you can call your tribe. There are good resources out there, such as: ADDA, Additude Magazine, CHADD and others. The medical community and health insurance are awful for us ADHDers…so have plenty of patience, but don’t give up! God bless you! 🙏🏼🙌🏼❤️

[lovemypups2020]

Hey there! They always say that ADD is not a spectrum (is it honestly not? because that still doesn't resonate with me) but there are some things I can relate to and some things I can't. I have never struggled with being on time but I do feel you with the struggle of staying in jobs for more than 6 months. I have spent most of my career at one company but I've always constantly looked for promotion opportunities because I was so bored staying in whatever job I was in at the time. What I do know about ADHD is that it affects everyone differently and it sounds to me like you may have finally identified the source of your struggle. I would encourage you to talk to a doctor about treatment options. I am actively still trying to have a coach help me how to minimize steps to my workflow processes at work that are unnecessary in order to eliminate "noise" in my day to day professional life. The adderall has been helpful but to be honest, the MOST helpful thing for me has been lexapro to get rid of the anxiety. I'm literally a different person. I don't feel numb or high. I feel.... normal. As I said before, everyone is so different but I would encourage you to lean on your medical providers and if they recommend something, try it! If you don't like it, try something else! And don't feel any shame or stigma if their recommendations include px medicine. It has changed my life and I immediately shun anyone who wants to criticize me for taking it. It has given me the ability to be "normal" and not spiral into an abyss of anxiety. It's my life and I will do whatever I and my doctor think is going to get me optimal results.

[Dalfoor]

I'm also 27 and just recently been diagnosed as well. When you said: "Breaks my heart to know there is so much knowledge out there and yet here I am at 27 years old just now learning about my brain. Ive become paralyzed from it. Through out the last 5 years it literally feels like my brain has been deteriorating." I was thinking "wow, that's exactly how I feel about it too ".

Thanks for sharing.

[Hidden in reply to Dalfoor]

I can relate to everything in this thread. Gabby and Dalfoot, I was just diagnosed at 52 about 2 years ago and started taking Adderall. I was blown away at what a difference it made immediately. The brain fog, executive function, and most of all, my memory, all improved almost instantly. Then I went to places like this to learn as much about ADHD as I could. I continue to be blown away at how much of my life now makes sense. How I was able to get two degrees and have a great career blows my mind. I don’t know how I achieved success. I’ve learned that most of my behaviors that I thought were just me are normal for ADHD. I also take Lexapro for anxiety and depression, my new psychiatrist doubled my Lexapro dose (along with my husbands) we both see the same doctor together now. My husband was diagnosed ADHD a few weeks ago and is wanting to be formally tested. But I had no idea I was so depressed. I just work to live and live to work. The fact that it takes me 3 hours just to wake up and get moving every morning is so frustrating. I’ve learned that most of the things I do I’ve done to adapt to my ADHD symptoms. I think smart phones and texting were my downfall. These days there’s so much going on so fast and with ADHD, keeping up and switching gears every 10 minutes is impossible without medication. Took me a while to find the right medication and dose so don’t give up and try and keep an open mind.

Now I can see when my ADHD behaviors are bad at work. Medication keeps me focused, gets rid of the brain fog that affects executive function, and most of all, my memory has been restored. That’s when I noticed I had a problem. I was recruited fo a new job and failing miserable because I couldn’t remember anything, making learning a new job and product line impossible. Without medication, I would have been fired years ago. How I managed to hold the same job for 28 years blows my mind. I had 8-9 different positions during that time, but marketing is my passion. Anyway, I’m running on. Please consider trying some meds and use sites like this, it was a game changer for me. Best

[Mini-S8]

Hi Gabby,

I want to validate your experience and say that you are heard, you are not alone and you are absolutely allowed to feel everything you are feeling right now.

I was diagnosed at 28 years old after years of struggling. I ended up with an eating disorder, alcoholism, anxiety and depression and very low self worth and negative self-talk. Being diagnosed was like a double-edged sword.

It was such a relief yet so painful to process.

Try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself some space and time to process and feel all the emotions and feelings. I know this is easier said than done when you have responsibilities and it takes time.

I live in the UK so I don’t know what help is available where you are for support. Medication can be v helpful starting point, so I hope you can begin on that soon. 🙏

Maybe other people have some better suggestions on this group.

Lots of love x x

[Hidden]

Reading your post was a snap shot of my life and you’re right, be kind to yourself, Learn to begin recognizing behaviors that you can control ( like the urge to pick up my cell phone every 5 minutes). My worst downfall was the iPhone. Lol. Meds and forums like this one have taught me so much about my life and why my brain works the way it does. I can spend hours on here and not even realize it. I’m in the US and ADHD is suddenly being recognized and getting treatment is much easier and not as much of a stigma. The meds are usually a stimulant and have a stigma of their own. Don’t pay attention to that. Meds changed my life.

[Landet]

Hi Gabby, I so feel for you - I was just diagnosed too a year ago, at 55 years of age, the mix of relief, grief and newfound can-do energy is enormous. A SUPERB info-source is ADDitude.com (who publish the magazine ADDitude, that another reply suggested), I couldn't recommend it higher. It's serious, well-respected and often referred to by specialists. There are regular free webinars by big names within ADHD (that you can watch live or anytime after, or listen to as podcasts, and you can download the slides), excellent articles, help sheets, tips for tools. Also, the specialists giving the webinars often have their own websites with free blogs, podcasts, info and help sheets too, if you want more about their particular topic. Absolutely invaluable, both for help, inspiration and comfort. I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me!

[ShortyKat]

I know it is really difficult, I managed to keep my job for thirteen years, but I was constantly overwhelmed and feared I would be fired. It is a total miracle I wasn't. My only saving grace is that I fixed my tendency to be late, for the most part. I would try to pretend that work was at a different time so I would be ready. This is New York City, though so things go awry at the best of times and sometimes I would read a book and miss my stop. I like to look at people, but some people don't like that, so sometimes I put music on, but I was agitated trying to get there and very anxious. It was a big non profit homeless outreach program and I was the sole File clerk and every body needed this and that right away and I was not organized at all. Then people would refile themselves and make mistakes because different years and different subsets of the company were filed in different places. I did miss file as well. When I don't get enough sleep my letters and numbers go haywire. I am not dyslexic but when I am sleep deprived things go cray cray. Then the pandemic hit, and I have a chronic heart problem Pericardial Effusion, ironically probably caused by a virus but not really known what the cause is or was. Anyway, when people started coming up positive at my workplace my family and I got really concerned. My boss said that I should talk to someone in a higher place. So I did. I sent my boss next in line to say that I have two heart conditions the other one is a murmur. So for a while I was on furlough but they can only do that so long and I was let go. They said I could re-apply later but there was no point the HR lady didn't even return my emails until I cc'd my sister who was helping me with everything because I have a processing learning problem and have problems understanding things, especially complicated things with multiple steps. I am a very hard worker, and am upfront that things take me longer to do, other wise I will be fired immediately. Both worker and employee could end the job at will.

[ShortyKat]

As people have said showers and washing your hair really can improve your mood. Sometimes, I wear make up to improve my mood.

[ShortyKat]

Showers don't solve the problem, but it does improve your mood, it has improved mine.

[Hidden]

I’m new here too. I was told that I was rude, because I always interrupted people. I was told that I was flighty and a day dreamer. No one ever thought enough to figure out why! I was a “chatty Kathy” . The more anxious I get, the more that I can talk. Quiet in the presence of other people makes me very anxious because I don’t know what they may be thinking about me. So…I talk. I never fully lived up to my potential. I would lose interest, or feel defeated. I squeaked through. When someone would hurt me, in the past, I would feel like a volcano inside, ready to spew emotional energy. I couldn’t control it, and hated the intensity of it. I’m grateful that there’s a real reason. Our brains work differently. It feels like a disability. I’m better than when I was younger, but I need to keep trying to learn about this. Hang in there. You’re not the only one with ADHD superpowers! Work on therapy and learning to understand how these things work in your life.