Tired of people taking everything about me wrong. Now son is rejecting me because of my symptoms.

[ADDgoodbad]

Certain people take my ADD symptoms wrong. It causes problems. Now my son is rejecting me because he thinks the symptoms are personal failings. I am tempted to walk away from the relationship because it's just too painful to deal with. Tired of being beaten over the head with things that I have no control over.

[DefinitionReclaimed]

Wow, that's rough. How old is your son? I'm thinking that your situation will look different for a 13 year old versus a 33 year old son, with the former being more likely to have angsty, immature reactions and perspectives they will later grow out of. (I'm guessing it's probably closer to the latter since you said you're tempted to walk away from the relationship, but I don't want to assume.) Which symptoms in particular does he take issue with? Why doesn't he accept ADHD as a valid explanation for them?

[ADDgoodbad in reply to DefinitionReclaimed]

Thanks for your reply. The world has never accepted me for who I really am except one coworker who has the same symptoms, my parents and my doctors. My son just turned 34. He thinks Im lazy, he thinks Im intentionally malicious when I blurt stuff out. He is simply unable to understand and he's been getting somewhat cruel about it. Thinking about disowning him if he keeps it up.

[DefinitionReclaimed in reply to ADDgoodbad]

The way I see it, both parties in a relationship (whether familial, romantic, or working) should be putting in the effort to make things work. If you're already doing everything you reasonably can to manage your ADHD symptoms and better yourself (self-education, medication, therapy, etc.), but your son is not putting in the effort to understand you, then he's not holding up his end of the bargain. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a 34 year old to be capable of learning more about something that affects his own father so profoundly, and at least trying to see things from your perspective. Have you already shared information with him on how the ADHD brain works differently? Just wondering if he's only heard ADHD explained by you when you are both upset with each other, or if you have tried sharing information from ADHD experts (Barkley, Hallowell, etc.) at other times.

Trying to imagine myself in your shoes, I think I would want to ensure that I've exhausted all reasonable options before using the "nuclear option" of cutting him off. Otherwise, I (/you) may wonder later if there was something else I could have tried to fix the relationship. Are you seeing a therapist? If so, what does he or she say about your situation? Having that professional third-party assessment of your situation should help you sort through what your best option is here, and if you are sure you want to resort to the nuclear option, you can minimize any doubt or regret over your decision later on. But hopefully, you will find a way to get through to him instead!

[cidermill in reply to ADDgoodbad]

I hate sitting down and having long honest conversations about feelings with my father (he has ADHD too and I'm 25), but when you're being hurt by someone you want to keep a relationship with you have to talk about it to them. You can't know the extent someone truly understands something or what it is about "blurting things out" that bothers them without a couple hours invested in talking and possibly tears. I'm in a rough patch with my own father right now, because I've been confronting him about ways he casually hurts me. It's a hard conversation, and the answer may not be the one either of you wants. But you can't get that answer without that conversation.

[Loribird52 in reply to cidermill]

Really well said! I hope your relationship with your father strengthens.

[Loribird52 in reply to ADDgoodbad]

Your son may not understand your disorder and it is up to you, as his Mother, to get the help you need (doctor/proper meds) so your symptoms are not harming others when you "blurt stuff out". That's difficult under the best of circumstances. As someone who has a mother with severe ADHD, it is has been difficult to deal with at times and takes a professional to understand the behavior even though I have it. If you are under a doctor's proper guidance with therapy AND medication, blurting things out should be a minimum.

[Hidden]

Being misunderstood hurts. I hope that you figure it out. My dad misunderstood me for a long time and I didn’t know how to tell him that, but ever since I got my ADHD diagnoses, he’s made an effort to learn about it. I hope your son will.

[Carolinepink]

Educate your son, if he will listen. Send him some reading material on add or take him with you to your dr. Hearing our reading it from a professional may help. In addition He may suffer with some himself, and is in denial. Don’t give up.

[IgnoranceWasNotBliss]

This is a tough situation and I have a few random ideas to throw out there. Some of them may definitely not apply and some might. I’m just going to say all kinds of alternate views that you can ponder on.

I am ADHD diagnosed at 40 which then diagnosed my mother, 2 sisters, 2 nephews, my grandfather, MANY aunts, uncles and cousins, MY HUSBAND and one day, I’m positive, my son. One thing is for certain…. ADHD looks completely different in all of us! And it’s extremely hereditary. You son has about an 80% chance of also having ADHD, except undiagnosed. Has he had any addiction issues? Is he an over achiever or workaholic? Does he have OCD tendencies? Does he over react in sometimes? Does he travel often or have money issues? Does he sleep very little and seems to be able to accomplish an unbelievable amount of things? Does he quit often? Is he extremely intelligent and enjoys learning? A lot of these things can seem like good things…. But could also mean he has ADHD. He just may be pretty high functioning like my mom and one of my sisters. Quite a few in my extended family have lived pretty normal lives…. To us! But absolutely are ADHD like the rest of us. So…. What if your son has ADHD? Even if he doesn’t realize and fails to admit it, you should definitely take this into account and then afford him the same luxury you want. Someone to not blame you for your ADHD. Someone to understand your symptoms.

More food for thought, my husband and I have TOTALLY different personalities! Like, totally! Honestly, we’re a bad match now that life has gotten difficult with our ADHD. I am the more depression type ADHD that tends to blame myself for everything. I work really hard to “fix” myself to make others happy and it causes anxiety and depression. Not good. My husband has ZERO of these traits. What I’m about to say about my husband is HOW I INTERPRET what he says and does and maybe or maybe not is correct (though it seems correct to me!!) His ADHD presents much more narcissistic. I think of others all the time, to a bad degree, he thinks of himself all the time. To a bad degree. I blame myself for faults and get depressed about it, he blames everyone around him for everything and takes zero responsibly for any faults. He will even lie (though he says he’s not lying) to cover mistakes (that he says he didn’t make) and then doesn’t worry about it and doesn’t take a single persons advice and can just block that advice out and forget about it because he is sure he’s right and he’s perfectly fine and everyone else is the problem. When my husband takes his medication (which is hard for me to get him to do) he magically starts considering other people’s feelings and gets out of his own head and his own needs and gains the ability to hear what I may say to him, even regarding his faults. Do you know what type you are? There are million different ways we with ADHD end up. Try to be sure you’re not the type that doesn’t want to grow. We all need to be able to see what we’re doing wrong and try to fix it.

More thoughts, how is your treatment going? Prehaps a different treatment approach can help manage your symptoms better. If many people are having a hard time with your ADHD, prehaps your treatment plan needs revising??

Another different view that I have from many others here, dealing with someone with ADHD is DAMN HARD!!!! My husband legit almost drove me to the big house. I can’t tell people enough that the advice and recommendations that put the onus of change on the non ADHD person is very unfair. Saying the non ADHD person needs to learn more or be more understanding or forgive more and help you manage reminders and life more is a way of blaming the non ADHD person for our shortcomings and chances are these people HAVE HAD IT!! I think many spouses of ADHD’ers, parents or children of people with ADHD have been dealing with things for A LOOOONG TIME from us and we can only expect so much from them too! Even non ADHD people have limits! They’re not Superman. We’re not easy to live with and deal with for a life time. Sometimes, people just need a little break.

I hope something here helps or makes you think of some different severities. Like I said, these things don’t necessarily apply to you. Just good for thought.

I hope it wasn’t too pessimistic.